The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Juggling Five at Once (Poorly)

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently found myself caught not in a love triangle but something far worse. I met “Matt” online and we hit it off, now he wants to take things seriously (wants me to move from the US to England with him). While my best friend “Jay” wants to marry me, and we are currently engaged.

After quite some time I realized that Jay isn’t the “one”. Then the plot thickens.*Dun dun dun…* Before Christmas I met “Mark” who is really great but sometimes I feel like he’s not completely honest with me. Then finally my newest problem, “Kaz”, who I’m not quite sure of yet but we both want to date each other, and despite my better judgment have really fallen for. I have another good friend who wants the same but I don’t share his feelings at all. Help, I’m know I’m definitely in way over my head, and it sounds like I’m a teenager again, I should know better, but alas, I’m here. ~Teenager All Over Again~

Dear TAOA: Really? Get thee to a nunnery TAOA. (The BSG and The Bard are like, tight) Are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? In summary then:

1.       Matt is in the UK and wants you to move and marry him.

2.       You’re currently engaged to Jay, but he’s not the “one”.

3.       You’re dating Mark, who may not be completely honest. (have you been completely honest about Mark’s competition?)

4.       You have met Kaz and want to date him.

5.       You have another good friend who also apparently wants a piece of you, but you don’t have the same feelings for him.

TAOA, the BSG has to ask what the heck is happening here. Let’s all imagine for a moment that the BSG writes a column about home improvement projects. You TAOA, in this fantasy, would be the compulsive home-project-guy writing in to say that he’s started five different projects and now doesn’t understand why he lives in a construction zone.

OK TAOA, the BSG hereby declares you unfit to manage your own romantic life and he requires you to do the following:

1.       Matt in the UK: call him (emailing is tacky, even for exclusively online relationships. If you’ve never actually spoken live and he’s asking you to come to the UK to live with him, the BSG doesn’t even have time to rant about that.) and tell him that you think he’s a great guy, but that you’re already engaged (no need to mention the other men you’re juggling unless he pushes) and so are breaking it off with him. Then break if off with him.

2.       Your fiancé Jay: Break up with him. The BSG already realizes that you tend toward wishy-washiness and he believes this will result in you sitting at your kitchen table after ten miserable years (for you and Jay both), telling your best friend (as Lucy would tell Ethel at the kitchen table) that you never believed Jay was the “one”. Don’t wait to be miserable; you and Jay are done.

3.       Not-Completely-Honest-Mark: Be completely honest with him. You’re engaged, you’re seeing several other people, tell him everything. Not-Completely-Honest-Mark, if he’s like many not-completely-honest people, will freak out at the idea of your dishonesty and will flee. He’s the lucky one so far.

4.       New Guy Kaz: You’re not going to date Kaz. The BSG doesn’t care how much you both want to date. Don’t you SEE the construction site you live in because of all these other projects?

5.       Your good friend who has feelings for you: Geez TAOA don’t make the BSG come over there.  Tell him you’re happy to have him as a friend, but that you’re not interested. Then be sure you’re not sending him mixed signals because the BSG doesn’t think you can be trusted not to entice men into dating you.

TAOA the BSG has great compassion for you and is pleased that you (finally) recognized that things had gotten a little out of control, but he also believes that sometimes firm boundaries have to be set. SET them. The BSG thinks that the best thing that can happen to you for awhile is to be completely unencumbered by relationships so you can learn how this got so out of hand.

The BSG is also concerned for the karmic debt you’re incurring by keeping all these men on the leash. If this were a home improvement advice column, the BSG would have you give away all your tools and learn to live happily in your home as it is before you picked up a hammer again and started breaking things.

~BSG~

Tags: Honesty, love triangle, Online Dating

Disappearing Men

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating this guy for about a month and recently I had been pretty busy (finals, holidays, and work), so not a lot of time was made for him. My phone was broken for a few days, so I sent him a friendly email asking him to send me his number. He read it and didn’t respond. I got a new phone today, and received a text sent a few days ago asking me to let him know when my phone was working again. I texted him and we made small talk for a bit. I asked him if he wanted to get together tonight and he didn’t respond.

Before I went MIA for a week, everything was great. He seemed really interested and then all of a sudden he wants nothing to do with me. It’s not the first time, so I kind of have to wonder if it’s me or if it’s just men? If it is me, what is so difficult about being a grown-up and telling me that we shouldn’t see each other anymore? Why be a coward and make me wonder what happened?

P.S. What would you become if you started dating someone? Would it be Bitter Taken Guy, or would you not be bitter anymore? Just curious, I had to ask. ~Disappearing Act is Getting Old~

Dear DAGO: To your last question, the Bitter Single Guy, like many of his readers, wanders in and out of Relationship Land. But he can say without hesitation that he’s never been Bitter Taken Guy. Scary.

Next, the BSG has to tell you that with the exception of a ownership of a penis, there isn’t anything that is true about all men (and some would argue the penis point). So, if you have a pattern of men disappearing on you, the BSG will go ahead and tell you: yes, it’s you. Or at least part of it is.

Regarding your Cold Chap, the BSG doesn’t think he acted very maturely. Like you, the BSG believes the world would be a better place if people would be able and willing to simply say what’s going on for them. But in this case, the BSG doesn’t think that Cold Chap would have said he didn’t want to see you anymore. He thinks it might go something like this:

Hi DAGO. I really enjoyed my time with you and thought we had something going, but when you disappeared for a week after we had just been going out for a few weeks, it seemed that you weren’t interested in dating me anymore and that kind of hurt. Yeah, I know that you contacted me after you got less busy and got your phone back, but while you were gone I went through a whole cycle of anger, denial, sadness and acceptance. You see DAGO, the time it takes to go through all the stages of a breakup is a direct reflection of the length of the relationship. Sadly, for a one month relationship, I had pretty much grieved and gotten over you in about a day and half. So, I’m glad you’re ready to date again; I wish you luck in your next relationship.

Nice guy, eh DAGO? The BSG thinks that this is what he MIGHT say if he was willing and able to be honest with you. Maybe there’s a tiny bit of this that you have some responsibility for. Just maybe. ~BSG~

Tags: Honesty