The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Needing Space after Being Cheated On

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Do you have advice for staying together after infidelity? How can I trust my partner again?

You always tell people that if their partner asks for space to DUMP THEM. In this case I really wanna stay with my guy, but I fear that if I stay with him while I’m working on my issues (BIG issues–depression, anger, insecurity), I’ll mess it all up. Do you think it’s ever a good move to ask for space with the intention of being together again? I’m trying to learn to control myself…but change sometimes takes time. ~Hurt and Out of Control~

Dear HOOC: The Bitter Single Guy thinks there are two things going on here: your partner cheated on you and you need some space to work on your personal issues. Let’s take those one at a time, shall we?

Staying together after infidelity: The BSG has to admit that he’s skeptical, but not completely without hope. The key question here is whether the thing that led to the infidelity is still true or not (your partner isn’t attracted to you, your partner is a serial cheater, you live far from each other and your partner has no impulse control, whatever). If the situation, perspective and feelings that led to the infidelity still exist, well then there seems to be a good chance it will happen again.

The BSG thinks that if you want to stay together after someone has cheated, you have to both REALLY want to be together and you have to be committed to moving past the Cheat. The Cheater has to be ready for some bitterness for awhile from the Cheatee and the Cheatee has to be ready to be forgiving. Again, not hopeless, but the BSG doesn’t know what the success rates are for situations like this (although he’d like to.)

Getting space to work on your stuff: The BSG doesn’t think that asking for space in your relationship to work on yourself is a bad thing. For the record, the BSG also thinks that people who don’t have the backbone to break up when it’s necessary will use this “temporary space” request as a way to pre-breakup with someone. Only you know if this is you, HOOC.

The thing about getting space to work on your depression, anger and insecurity is that both you and Charlie Cheater will spend time living your life without the other. This could very likely mean that you decide that you’re done with the relationship (or Charlie Cheater could come to that decision. A probably conclusion in the BSG’s mind, referring back to what led to the cheating in the first place).

The BSG thinks that if you need time to resolve the cheating issue alone, then it’s likely that you’re going to decide to be out of this relationship. Resolving a relationship issue by breaking up (that’s what “needing space” really is, right HOOC?) doesn’t give high hopes for reconciliation in the BSG’s mind. That said, do what you have to, HOOC. You wouldn’t be the first person who decided she (or he) couldn’t get past infidelity in a relationship even if everything else seems wonderful.

~BSG~

She Needs Time?

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I need some advice. I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend who I love very much. Not but 7 days ago she decided she wanted to take some time away to clear her head. After having talked to her, she has stated she doesn’t know what the problem is, but she needs to figure it out. We have been talking about marriage and both of us are experienced in mature relationships. She stated finally after I got her to open up that she doesn’t know if she is afraid of marriage, or she is no longer in love with me. I was absolutely devastated and feel utterly betrayed and damaged. I know she still loves me, and that we have a great thing. But how much time do I give her? ~Broken Hearted~

Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy knows, as many of his readers (and now you) know, what it’s like to be dumped. BH, you’re likely shocked by the BSG saying it that bluntly, but it’s true isn’t it? Two weeks ago you had a happy relationship and this week you don’t.

The key point here BH is that two weeks ago you had a happy relationship while your wonderful beautiful girlfriend didn’t. While getting dumped always seems to come out of nowhere, we all know that this was probably percolating in Beautiful Girlfriend’s head for some time.

Normally the BSG’s advice in situations like yours is to tell you to man-up and deal with the fact that you’ve been dumped. For some reason this doesn’t feel quite that cut-and-dried, so the BSG has some less brutal advice (not much less, but a little).

·         If you’re living together, find a place on your own or at least move in with a friend for awhile. If Beautiful Girlfriend needs space, give it to her. If she’s actually on the fence, this may shock her into realizing what single life is actually like.

·         Get used to the idea that you’re not marrying this girl. Maybe she will turn around, maybe she has cold feet, maybe she’s in an elaborate reality TV show that requires her to deny her undying love for you in order to win big cash; but if she’s not sure whether her need for space is her lack of love for you or her fear of marriage, the BSG thinks there’s a good chance there will be no altar-time for the two of you.

·         This is the hardest one: Don’t take her feelings personally. Although falling out of love with you makes you feel betrayed and wretched, there’s nothing you could have done to change it (barring the possibility that you’re a jerk and didn’t mention that). Love and attraction often comes and goes unintentionally.  The BSG thinks Beautiful Girlfriend would like nothing more than to be madly in love with you again, but stuff like that is often out of our hands.

Basically BH, the BSG wants you to create some safe space where you can start to heal and re-build, and where Beautiful Girlfriend can have the space she needs to do whatever. If she comes back, you’ll both be redefining your relationship based on the break and if a new relationship with Beautiful Girlfriend is going to work you’ll both have to approach it differently. If none of that comes true, then you join the unhappy but wiser multitudes who have been dumped. ~BSG~

Sort-of Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend recently graduated college, while I’ve got two years left. We’d discussed making it work and all, and he was pretty optimistic. But then, out plans didn’t turn out right. He got an internship which doesn’t pay, forcing him to get another job, which equals a lot of work. Due to this, he claims he suddenly just doesn’t see how he’ll have time for any relationship at all since he’ll be working all the time and lives 2 hours away. He says there will be no dating others for him and no random sex, as he has no time which is why we’re not together. Though, if this changes and when time is right, I’ll be the first to know and first pick. He claims this just isn’t the right time and he won’t write it off for the future. Problem is, he’ll be working like this for at least a year. So unless he changes his mind sooner which I’m hoping..that’s the time frame. Of course I want to wait. He tells me not to because it’s not fair. Please tell me what I should really do. He seems like he’s having an early mid-life crisis. HELP. ~Sort-of Dumped~

Dear SOD: The Bitter Single Guy knows that higher education has ruined more relationships than yours and is bummed for you. The BSG doesn’t think this qualifies as an early mid-life crisis though (that’s still probably awaiting Freaked Out Guy in the future), he thinks this is just a natural reaction to the time commitment he’s just made to a job and an internship.

The BSG thinks this is just a classic dumping. He is choosing his education and career over you. Although the BSG is aware that there are nuances and fine print and ‘yeah, but’ exceptions the fact is that he’s not willing to dump the job/internship so he’s dumped you.

The BSG recommends treating this as an actual dumping, but not a “it’s not you it’s me” sort of dumping.  This is more a situational dumping. Although that doesn’t mean a lot today, if there’s ever a chance to get back together that will mean a great deal.

SOD, the BSG thinks you need to get used to being single. If you hold yourself in limbo while you wait out his year-long internship several things could happen:

·         He could decide after a year that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         He could get another (similarly critical) internship that prevents him from getting back together: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         He could find someone in the middle of his internship who is important enough to him that he finds a way to make it work: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         It all works out as planned and you’re happy together forever, except that you’ll know that his work will likely come before you: you’ll feel ready for future betrayal.

Getting the picture here, SOD? Unless you look out for yourself here, no one else will. Blame him or don’t blame him…the BSG doesn’t care. Just pull in your defenses and let him go. ~BSG~

There Must Be SOMEthing I Can Do!

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half, we are both in college and go to school in different states, but the distance was never a problem. I tried to visit her as much as I could and every time I saw her it was nice and we had a lot of fun. Two weeks after I got back things got rocky. And we tried to work them out, but she came to a conclusion that she wants to break up, she said she wanted to “experience new things”. I’m still not sure what she means. She said she wanted to be “single for a while”. I have been trying to move on for some time now it has been about 2 months and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I have the same dream with her in it every night. I miss everything about her, her smell her touch, her voice, her smile. I think what we had was something special, and at one point we both thought that, she had said it many times. She said that “what we have is rare and only comes along once” so I don’t understand why she broke up with me.

I would like to think I was a good boy friend. I sent her a message every morning saying “have a great day! I love you” and every night “Have sweet dreams”. I wrote poems, sent her little gifts just because. When we were going out her friends boyfriends would get mad at me because of the nice things I did. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. I like cuddling more than anything sexual. I tried to make her laugh when ever I could. I loved her with all my heart.

Now she seems like she is happy without me, and I don’t believe that she could have gotten over what we had so quickly. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back because I believe we are meant to be together. So I am asking if there is anything I can do to get her back? Or to get a second chance?

If you could help me that would help me so unbelievably much. It would get back a piece of I’m missing. ~Broken Hearted~

Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy wishes he was there to give you the big hug that you obviously need and to pat you on the back in a comforting way (pat-pat-pat).

Yours is the classic story of being dumped; there’s no other way to describe it. Although it’s certainly of little comfort, the BSG assures you that everyone else who’s out there in Dating Land has felt what you feel today (including the BSG).  Here are some key points:

·         Your main question is how to get her back. Buck up, BH…you can’t have her back. Yes, it’s possible that she could spend some time out there in the big world then decide that you were the best boyfriend ever and come sniveling back into your arms, but if it’s already been two months the BSG thinks it’s unlikely. You’ve been dumped…accept it.

·         You don’t know how she could have moved on so quickly? It’s because she actually started moving on several months ago. It’s not easy being the Dumpee, but it’s also pretty brutal being the Dumper. The BSG is pretty sure that your Departed Damsel thought a lot about breaking up with you before she actually did it. So the reason that Departed Damsel seems so well adjusted is that the last part of her adjustment was the breakup, even though it was only the first part for you.

·         You’re dreaming of her every night? BH you’re breaking the BSG’s heart here! Know that grieving for something lost is a necessary and healthy process that you simply have to go through. You’ll be sad, you’ll have bad dreams (when you can sleep), you’ll be lethargic and generally not very much fun to be around. But believe the BSG when he tells you that it will get better. That said, if you start losing weight because you’re not eating, or if you can’t seem to get yourself out of the house for more than a few days at a time, the BSG strongly recommends seeking professional help to get you through this.  But again…you will get through this.

·         Departed Damsel told you she wants to be single for awhile? Ouch, BH. The BSG knows (as his readers do) what it’s like to be told that she’d rather be with no one than be with you. Here comes the tough message BH, so brace yourself. The BSG doesn’t think Departed Damsel actually wants to be single. He thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. For that reason, don’t be shocked if Departed Damsel suddenly starts seeing someone else in the next short while.

You see BH, the problem is that while you were deliriously happy in your relationship, Departed Damsel wasn’t. There was something missing for her and she likely spent part of the time you were together trying to get that need filled (whatever it was). None of this is easy to hear BH, but it’s what getting dumped is all about.

OK now it’s time for a little tough love BH. The BSG doesn’t know the details, so he can only respond to what’s in your letter and there’s one little section that concerns him. You sent daily notes of love and encouragement, never forgot an important date, wrote poems, and liked cuddling more than sex? While that seems right out off the Good Boyfriend Manual, the BSG and you both know that sometimes we can have too much of a good thing. BH the BSG wants you to think about whether you were a little smothering in your care and attention? Honestly, the BSG didn’t have any concerns until the ‘cuddling more than sex’ part, because you know…sex is pretty important to lots of people. Like he said, the BSG doesn’t know the details, so just wants you to think objectively about that.

BH, take care of yourself and let your friends be there for you and he promises that one day you’ll wake up and not feel like you’ve been stomped on. ~BSG~

What Do I Do About My Relationship?

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We’ve been through almost everything I can imagine and when it’s good there’s nothing else I would rather do then be with her. On the other hand when it’s bad I don’t know what to do with myself; it brings me down, I don’t feel like doing anything and I break down.

About 2 months ago we stopped being intimate, and recently she said she needs more time to herself, so I’ve been trying to give her time. She’s busy with her finals with school and she wants more time with her friends, which is fine but I don’t get any time with her anymore. I do everything I can possibly do to make her happy, I feel like all I do is give and I get nothing in return. What should I do? ~Color Me Despondent~

Dear CMD: The Bitter Single Guy leans (as he often does) to just telling you that this relationship is over and you should move on.  There are some threads to pull out of your story, however. You tell the BSG that when things are bad, you shut down, then break down. Really, CMD? That seems a little serious for what the BSG would assume are the regular ups and downs of a relationship.

Two things are going on here, CMD.  Either you’re having extreme emotional responses to non-extreme situations in your relationship, or you’ve got one-o-them pesky emotional roller coasters on your hands.  If it’s you…get yourself some professional help so you can find out why the normal ups and downs in a relationship are causing you to shut down.

However…if your relationship with this Delicate Flower is one that is characterized by constant emotional drama, the BSG would recommend you hit the road and find a more consistent emotional experience. The BSG knows that there are folks drawn to emotional drama like a moth to the porch light, but just because they can’t get away from drama doesn’t make it OK. Some of us also can’t get away from ice cream…that doesn’t make it OK (every day).

Short answer CMD is that this decision seems to have been made for you. Delicate Flower wants space and doesn’t have time for you, now? The BSG recommends telling her that she can have that precious space and she should call you if she wants to get together sometime. In the meantime let her know you’ll be doing some After-Christmas shopping. ~BSG~