The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Know When It’s Time to Get Out

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I love your column! I just found your website and I just had to write. I’ll try to break this all down to be quick and simple, although it is quite complicated. (At least to me anyway).

I began dating a guy from work about 5 years ago and we work in separate locations so we don’t see each other daily. We’ve had many ups and downs. He has been unfaithful during our “off and on” relationship. I don’t see it as off and on. He would do something stupid like say “I’ll be over in 30 minutes to pick you up for dinner” and then show up 1 1/2 hours later saying he was late and “grabbed a bite to eat”. (Because of free food at a local salsa club). I would get angry and he would not call me for a week or so. Things like that happen often. I met his kids after 3 years of dating although he has met mine and been to my house frequently. Spends the night and has dinner with my family, etc. I cannot go to his home because he lives with his mother and grown brother and the house is a “wreck” so he says. I have been to his home a few times and it was filthy and in a bad neighborhood. He does something to make me upset, then uses me being upset as a reason to not talk to me and let me cool down. It is a game with him. I really need to let go but I don’t know how. What is wrong with me? Why am I so attached to him? He told me a couple of years ago that he wanted to wait until his kids graduated high school to get into a serious relationship with me. I consider it serious and he doesn’t. His kids are graduating this year and now he says he wants to wait until they graduate from college! What?!? Also, he is very close with his ex-girlfriend’s 18 year old daughter. He does so much for her. He pretty much treats her like his own although she lives 1 hour away. He has said that when he buys a house, her and his biological son will move into the house together. I’m nowhere in that equation. Me or my sons are not mentioned.

Through all of this I found out two months ago that I was pregnant. I told him and he immediately said to get an abortion. He then began to distance himself. I mentioned keeping the baby and he flipped out. Yelled, screamed and said things like “what the f*** is wrong with you”! , “did you think I would marry you?” “I won’t pick up that kid on weekends”, and “call me in 9 months and tell me how much f****ng money I have to pay you each month”.

Needless to say the stress of the situation persuaded me to have an abortion. I made that choice for several reasons. Some many say I was being selfish. I don’t know. I guess I thought for the most part that I would clear things up with him and that he would believe me that I didn’t plan to get pregnant. It was an accident. I had complication after the abortion and was sick for almost a month. During that time he was distant. After I began feeling better he continued to be distant. He said that we need to have a “talk”. He has done this before and ends up coming around and says things like “why can’t I stay away from you?” I told him that I want a normal relationship (he had said many times that he is “abnormal” and incapable of being in a normal relationship), and he responded with “we cannot have a normal relationship because of MY personality”. I was floored. I have bent over backwards to be the ideal girlfriend to him. I am tolerant, forgiving, kind, accommodating, and most of all show him love. He is quite cold emotionally and takes nothing in life seriously. He procrastinates, doesn’t finish things he starts and is non-committal about lots of things in life. I would label him as a sociopath but I do not have a degree in psychology to back me on that. I love him and I feel he doesn’t truly love me. I am lonely and sad. I want so badly to have a normal boyfriend. I have invested 5+ years with this person and there have been many good times. I just don’t think things will ever progress and the way he acts by being hot and cold to me is damaging to my self-esteem. It affects me physically and emotionally. I could write so much more but I’m trying to summarize it all here. I keep thinking that things will get better and know that relationships take time to mature. Things have progressed but extremely slowly. That has to be abnormal. Thank you for any advice you have for me. I will take it to heart and make changes in my relationship with this person. ~Frantic For Help~

• Why are you in this relationship? You’ve invested 5 years? If you invested in stock that continually lost money year after year after year, how long before you’d finally sell it? If you bought a lamp that you liked at first, but as your home changed, the lamp just didn’t look right, how long would you keep that lamp? Get out.
• You say “I love him and feel he doesn’t truly love me.” What information do you need beyond this? Get out.
• You want a normal relationship but he admits he’s not able to provide that? This is like you going to a deli and saying that you want turkey and all they have is ham. Find another deli. Get out.
• He’s making plans for a future that doesn’t seem to include you and you are doing nothing but planning for your future with him. This is whack.  Get out.
• Free food at a local salsa club caused him to be an hour late to meet you? Is he kidding you and the BSG with this ridiculous and insulting lie? Get out.
• Get out get out get out get out.

FFH, this dude will not ever end this damaged relationship…why would he, when it seems to work out fine for him? You have to set a boundary. Not on-again-off-again. Off. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life above the experience of being single. If being in a relationship isn’t better than being single…you guessed it…get out.

Find a friend or counselor or therapist who can help you understand how you got into this and can help you grieve the loss of the relationship. Regardless of how right the decision to breakup is, it will still require a time of grieving. Make room for yourself also to grieve the loss of your baby; the BSG recommends finding someone to help you with that, too.  Good luck FFH. ~BSG~

Engaged to a Loser

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My fiancé and I have been together for a little under a year…darning which time he has broken up with me twice.

Both times he never (to this day) has offered any sort of explanation other than ‘I don’t know’, which makes me furious beyond belief. He told me when he was in the process of breaking up with me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, which came as a complete shock to his friends (and everyone else for that matter). He’s always ‘tired’ and we go for three and longer week periods of time without being intimate. He’s also a liar. I don’t date people who smoke marijuana and despite promising me he wouldn’t, he has done it at least three times since we’ve been dating that I know of.

I can’t get him to open up, when he breaks up with me he gets extremely upset and remorseful, and you couldn’t make him tell the truth if his life depended on it. He’s not a bad person at all, but dating him is like dating a child!

Another thing is, he has been in college for two years and hasn’t yet picked a serious major, which extremely frustrates me. He constantly flip-flops from thing to thing as far as job plans go, and they are all things that are unsecure, like being a music producer or a rock star. YES, A ROCK STAR. He’s 19 years old doesn’t seem to get the concept of having a sound career choice before pursuing more iffy passions. I cannot and will not marry somebody who doesn’t appear to have a real future ahead of them. He’s extremely unmotivated in general.

We never have sex and rarely go out. I love him very deeply but the relationship has flat-lined and has been that way for a few months. Within the last month I have next to totally lost all sexual attraction to him (he hasn’t gained weight or anything). I don’t know what I should do, because frankly I’m tired of living like a nun and ‘talking it out’ with him does absolutely no good. He’s my best friend and I love him with all my heart, but I just don’t think there is a spark to our relationship anymore.

Should I continue trying to work with this guy or should I just walk away? ~Tired of The Runaround~

Dear TTR: Why are you dating this guy much less engaged to him?

• You’re not intimate (and apparently not attracted to each other)
• He keeps breaking up with you (although it hasn’t “stuck” yet)
• He lacks job focus and ambition (which are apparently important to you)
• He’s smoking weed (which is apparently a deal-breaker for you)

Really TTR, the BSG doesn’t get it. Dump him, your relationship is over.

~BSG~

Being the Other Woman

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met a guy when he was single and we were both 22 (we worked together). He gave me his number we started hanging out and we would mess around, but no sex (I was a virgin) he seemed like he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I decided I would be his friend til he was ready and I down played my feelings for him so I didn’t look to eager thinking it would make me more appealing. He would ask to hang out come over I would say maybe next week, wouldn’t answer when he would call. He wanted to meet my parents I said no. (But I did like him) Then he tells me how he has met this other girl but she is heavy so he doesn’t like her but they start sleeping together.

I thought it was over between us but then he started calling me again I really liked him so I figured I would talk to him be his friend and when she was gone I would be there. I thought he was only with her because she had sex with him and I wouldn’t, so after a while I invited him to go out of town with me and lost my virginity to him. He didn’t break up with her but I really liked him he said he was going to leave her eventually I figured how much could he like her if he never stopped being with me. We continued to talk on the phone and see each other after work or when he could come to my house and we texted pictures as well as web-chatted.

Then after years of this they got engaged I was devastated but still held on. They married this year I figured it wouldn’t last because he has always been with me since the day they got together sadly even after they have been married he has slept with me(he is the only guy I have ever slept with even though it has been years) and we talk 1 or 2 times a week. (He no longer works at my job)

I love him and want him to be with me I cry because I feel like she is living the life that is supposed to be mine. I am bitter and alone. Is there anything I can do to get things back to the way they were before when he wanted me? I figure he must want me some to keep calling after all these years even though it is difficult because he is married. Please help! ~Missing Out on Life~

Dear MOL: The Bitter Single Guy is glad he chose your letter to answer this morning…as the BSG has said before, he receives way more letters than he can answer, so doesn’t get to them all. Yours needs answering, though.

First MOL, the BSG wants to tell you that his heart broke a little on your behalf as he read your letter. At first, when you described your early relationship with your Dastardly Dog (before he was so dastardly), the BSG thought this sounded like a typical case of young-love-and-heartbreak, but then the BSG kept reading (and remembered that no one’s heartbreak is “typical. Shame on the BSG.) MOL, the BSG really wants you to know that he has compassion for you and feels that you have been wronged here.

Now that’s out of the way, the BSG has some hard truths for you MOL. Are you ready?

You are a doormat and you’ve been a doormat for years.

The BSG wants you to get a therapist. Even if you can’t afford one (many company benefits programs include an Employee Assistance Program [EAP] that includes therapy sessions), there are community programs in most areas that can help. No, this isn’t the same as being chronically depressed, or hearing voices, but years MOL? You’ve been in this twisted love triangle for years!? Yeah, a therapist. NOW.

OK, the BSG will assume that you went and found a therapist and made an appointment and have now come back for the rest of the advice here.

As the BSG was saying, you’re a doormat. Years ago, you didn’t give up the booty and you became convinced that this was why Dastardly Dog was interested in the other girl, so logically you gave it up! And have apparently continued giving it up throughout his marriage so far…does the BSG have it right here? Doormat, doormat, doormat.

MOL, you’re letting Dastardly Dog use you, and the BSG is all riled up now. Don’t make him come over there. OK, here’s the bottom line(s):

1. Dastardly Dog will NEVER leave his wife for you. Why should he? He’s got her AND apparently everything he needs from you.
2. He didn’t choose her because you didn’t put out in your early relationship. He chose her because he loved her and he either didn’t love you or didn’t love you enough. The BSG knows that’s tough to hear, but it’s just the truth.
3. Your life will be miserable and you will be a doormat until you pull the plug. He never will (refer to #1 above). The BSG wants you to head down to your local video store and rent Sunshine Cleaning which has a sub-plot remarkably like your life. Note how Amy Adams dumps her Dastardly Dog. Copy her.
4. Tell your new therapist all the things you’ve told the BSG (and more), (s)he’ll be able to help you dig up whatever shreds of self-esteem you have left so you can get an actual relationship and give up your doormat days forever.

Good luck MOL, the BSG and his readers look forward to hearing how things work out.

~BSG~

Dumped By a Gamer

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am going through a breakup and need an outsider’s eye because I’m kinda lost right now.

My ex and myself have been together for 2 ½ years and have basically been living together for that long.
The relationship started off amazing…we got along extremely well…but these past few months I have grown distant from him, physically and emotionally. I expressed to him that there were issues I had with the relationship (he is a big gamer and has said many times he is happiest when we’re sitting in the apt alone and he’s playing his game and I’m doing my own thing –and I enjoy the outside world, so that’s a problem lol)

I told him the game playing was an issue because I felt less important…so by him acting this way (among a couple other things) it kinda pushed me away, and turned me off.

Then one Saturday morning completely out of the blue, he breaks up with me and leaves (I mean completely out of the blue…he never voiced to me that anything was wrong…just a week before the break he was trying to buy me a laptop so we could play this game side by side online).

I later found out this new girl had started at his work that week and was flirting with him. I’m figuring he was getting attention that he wasn’t at home and jumped on the opportunity.It just boggles my mind though why someone would give up on 2 ½ years without even trying to fix it?

He then pulled the ol ‘I was only playing games because I was unhappy with us’…which is a complete lie, because he’s played games since we began dating, and why would he try time and time again to get me to play the games with him? He’s moved most of his stuff out (there is still quite a bit there), and has moved down the street…any insight as to why a person would move down the street??

I’m just so floored with this whole situation and feel completely lost. Any insight you can provide is appreciated! ~Can’t Believe It’s Over~

Dear CBIO: The Bitter Single Guy is sad to tell you that you’ve been dumped and there really isn’t any more to it than that. You’re working really hard to read nuance of intention into his actions: He’s moving down the street, he’s got someone new flirting with him, he says he was gaming because of the relationship when clearly that’s not true…these are all points of analysis that you’re hoping will refute the logic of the breakup and make it obvious that you haven’t been dumped.

Let go CBIO. Take a deep breath, take yourself out for a nice meal or a drink, find a friend (not a shared friend…one of yours) to commiserate with, and get about the business of getting over him. Two and a half years of (from his perspective) a relationship that doesn’t work isn’t something to continue investing in.

~BSG~

Husband Has Lost All Interest

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been with my husband since Grade 11 and we got married when I was 22.  Now almost 2 years into our marriage things have changed drastically.  The connection that we once had is almost completely gone!  He says it’s all me.  It’s only when I am in a sour mood that the relationship suffers and it’s only when I am happy that it’s doing well, he’s “just along for the ride”.  This attitude towards our marriage is very disturbing to me especially these days were it seems his mood swings are getting worse.  Just this weekend we went out with some friends that haven’t been home in years and by the end of the night he was rum-dumb and telling me he wished I didn’t go with them then advising people on the street never to get married!

We are both too young to be stuck in a loveless marriage, just going through the motions because we feel we have to. I would love to get things back to the way they were but should I be taking my husband’s comments and lack of effort as he has already given up! ~Marriage On the Ropes~

Dear MOTR: Gracious, the Bitter Single Guy thinks this is harsh! Based on your husband saying he’s just along for the ride and him advising people on the street not to get married, the BSG thinks the end is near for your marriage.

Here’s the advice MOTR: tell your Charming Chap that the two of you need some counseling if you’re going to make it. The BSG agrees that your 20’s is awfully early to be in a loveless marriage…usually one has to wait until one’s 40’s for that.

In counseling, the issue of “along for the ride” should definitely come up…Charming Chap needs to be an active participant in his marriage if he’s going to get anything good out of it. Similarly, the BSG doesn’t think that alcohol brings out untrue things, he thinks it brings out things we’re not willing to say sober. If Charming Chap is sorry he got married and sorry you are around him when he’s in his cups, the BSG suspects that’s also true when he’s sober he’s just not willing to say anything.

If he won’t go to counseling, the BSG recommends you start thinking about what your options are for staying happy in this relationship or out of it. Much good luck to you MOTR. ~BSG~