The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

Was Husband #2 a Mistake?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I had a good first marriage, I thought, but he cheated and it ended. Two years later I met my second husband on a blind date. I really felt drawn to him and felt he was my second chance at love.  12 years later, the kids are older, and all we (the kids and I) feel is frustration.  I have made the statement several times that we are just not compatible. I have always been the one to compromise, and frankly I’m tired of it!

He has issues with every single relationship in his life, it just took me this long to realize that the issues were his and not theirs.  I always believed that his parents, his sister his exes and even his daughter were the problem.  Now I know different, but this is 12 years and 4 kids here.  I feel like ending it and have already moved out once before.  I decided to give him another chance, but now he has slidden right back into his old skin of complacency.  If I leave him I am afraid he will fall into a deep depression.  But I know I will be happier.  Why am I more concerned about his feelings than my own when he is obviously not concerned about mine? ~Stay or Go?~

Dear SOG: The Bitter Single Guy is going to say that deciding whether a decision was the right one after 12 years is like closing the barn door 12 years after the cows have left and wondering whether it should have been closed in the first place. This decision is done, let’s move on.

So then, the decision here is whether to stay in your relationship. As you indicate, children complicate the issue because your decisions affect them. That said, it’s the BSG’s opinion (from his own singular experience) that separate happy parents are better for children than partnered unhappy parents.

The BSG will note that you think your “time served” is a consideration in this decision and the BSG has a tough time with that. If you have 12 years invested in an unhappy relationship, how is that cause for investing more time? If this relationship isn’t good for your family, the BSG recommends wrapping it up. Now that said, the BSG also acknowledges that ending a 12 year marriage with children involved is very different than ending a relationship with someone you’ve dated for a year and with whom you share no children. Don’t doubt that this is a weighty decision SOG, but doing nothing is a decision too.

If your primary reason for not leaving is that your husband will go into a deep depression, let go of that. You’re not his therapist and it’s not your job to prevent him from going into depression at the expense of your own happiness. Given the weight of this decision, the BSG recommends talking to a counselor to help sort out all our various feelings so you can make the right decision for your family. ~BSG~

Get a Lawyer and a Therapist. Now.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have had two really serious relationships in my life. The kind that you are certain will last for life. There were plenty of others but whose two were certainly different. They both got married this summer (not to each other) and that drove me to some great depressions and drinking.

I was put into rehab and finished with great success. There is a comeback group that visits the hospital weekly to talk to current patients about treatment and what life is like afterwards. This is where I met a wonderful woman. When she got out we started hanging out more and more. It started as support and then one night led to a lot more. Two days later her roommate found her cutting herself in an apparent suicide attempt.

This scared me so much that I constantly make myself available to her so that she doesn’t do it again.

Now, she can’t find a job anywhere and has started working as a stripper. I have taken her all around town many times to find something else but no one seems to be hiring. At first she had great anxiety and depression dealing with this new occupation. It completely consumed her. For an hour or two before and after work she isn’t really there, you know? Just a lost soul it seems. She is becoming destroyed.  I can’t convince her to not do it because she has to work.

To make matters worse, she now is pregnant. She swears it has to be mine and I’ve made it very clear to her that we will have to get a paternity test if she decides to keep it. I have expressed nothing but complete support for her no matter what she decides.  She would want to get married if she were to keep it. I am open to that idea if she is willing to sign a very extensive prenuptial. And she said that she was totally for that.

I have the gut feeling that nothing good can come from any of this but she continues to agree and re-assure me on every precaution that I can take. Right?

I figure I only have two ways to go?

1. I could just fuck it all and run. If she proves paternity then I will pay child support and likely have to take over custody if she doesn’t change her path. Looking out for number one? This seems to be the smarter less compassionate approach that will only leave me with MASSIVE regret if the worst happens.
2. Or keep the status quo? Using more of my heart than my brain. Stick with it until she decides. If she keeps it then I’ll cross that bridge. If she doesn’t then… I just don’t know.

Advice? ~Up The Creek~

Dear UTC: The Bitter Single Guy, as a non-therapist who writes exclusively for entertainment, usually stays away from letters like yours because frankly it’s messy territory. That said, the BSG can’t leave you hanging.

Dude, Option #3 is that you need a therapist and a lawyer.

NOW.

Your girlfriend also needs a therapist and the BSG is surprised that whoever is managing this comeback program is supportive of your involvement together. You have blurred the lines between a romantic relationship and caretaker and recovery from that is problematic.

Because the BSG is neither a therapist nor a lawyer he’ll refrain from telling you that in your situation you should have avoided new involvements at all costs. Really UTC…a therapist and a lawyer. Now. ~BSG~