The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

The Relationship Restaurant

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently started a relationship that was just beginning to become intimate when he pulled away, telling me that he had past issues about dating co-workers. I know that there are feelings and a very strong sexual attraction between us, but even now when we don’t work together, I have difficulties getting him to talk about our relationship. I don’t have much experience dating men, having mostly dated women. (I don’t know if that means anything or not.)

I have even asked him if he wants to break up. He says no, that he wants to have an open relationship with me, and that I do mean a lot to him. He seems to get very flustered when he is around me but gets very aroused when we are intimate together. — Confused And Frustrated

Dear CAF: The Bitter Single Guy finds himself wondering if you and this gentleman have dined out together? Was he a steak and salad guy or a buffet guy? The BSG’s guess is that he asked the waiter to bring him several dishes artfully displayed and he nibbled from each as it pleased him. If asked why he wanted his meal served that way, he replied that “issues came up from his past about restaurants”. If asked if he would like to finish any of the dishes, he would probably want “to have an open relationship with each dish and that each one does mean a lot to him”.

Further, the BSG bets that when he was faced with desert, he was “very aroused” and managed to scarf down the desert with no obvious commitment problems. Are you getting the point, CAF? He can eat his meal any way he wants to, but as one of the entrees you should only participate in this meal if it makes your toes curl.

Does your lesbian her-story make a difference? Sure, everything makes a difference. Are you less informed as a result? Hardly! He gets aroused when you’re intimate? Here’s a tip: most guys have been aroused by a TV commercial.

Oh CAF, the Bitter Single Guy’s heart goes out to you. At one time he found himself in a situation where his expectations and his date’s did not match. The solution? Change your expectations or change your date. ~BSG~

Is My Girlfriend in the Closet?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating this girl off and on for about three years. About 4 months ago we decided to begin a committed relationship. Soon she moved in with me. One day I was backing up info from her cell phone onto the computer (with her permission of course), and there were two video clips of two different women masturbating. I immediately asked her about this and her reply was “I thought there were guys on there with the women when I downloaded them.” My response was “Then why are they still on your phone if they were not what you wanted?” I then let it go.

Fast forward to last week…I was on my home computer checking the internet history for a site I was previously on but could remember the exact address. That is when I discovered a bunch of girl on girl porn. I was immediately angry! I asked her if she likes girls and she flat out denied it, until I confronted her about the porn. I came at her in a way that made it seem like I was ok with it. Just so she would open up about it and be truthful. She admitted her attraction to women, but said she has never done anything sexually another girl. I’m not convinced since she already lied about the subject. I have and know many men fantasize about threesomes and things like that. I’m not interested in doing that with someone I want to build a future with. I don’t want to come home unexpectedly and find her in bed with a chick or anybody else besides me. Your thoughts? ~Looking Up “Cuckold”~

Dear LUC: The Bitter Single Guy applauds your handling of the issue with your girlfriend. Although it was vaguely sneaky to appear to be OK with girl-on-girl action in order to get her to open up to you (so to speak), the BSG doesn’t have a problem with that level of sneakiness.

This is a tough one LUC, and mostly it’s about what you’re willing to live with. The BSG believes (as many folks do) that sexual orientation and attraction is on a continuum with totally homo on one side and totally hetero on the other side. In practice, the BSG thinks that more folks are somewhere in the middle than are usually willing to admit it. This means that the BSG thinks that every now and then a hetero guy will get a tingle for his frat brother after a few beers, and a homo guy will sometimes get a tingle for a Hooters Girl (beer is often involved in these encounters, the BSG thinks), and (this is where you come in LUC) sometimes a mostly hetero girl will get off on some girl-on-girl action, and so on. The BSG doesn’t necessarily think this means that your girlfriend is in the closet (although that is always a possibility), though.

Here’s the question, LUC: how would you feel about your girlfriend looking at straight porn? If you don’t mind her having some occasional eye candy, why does it matter whether it’s boys or girls (assuming, as the BSG is, that your sex life is appropriately active and festive)? The real issue is whether her looking at girl-on-girl porn, or guy-on-girl porn or (oddly) guy-on-guy porn, will result in her compromising the commitment she has to you. Bottom line: if she’s screwing around it doesn’t really matter (to the BSG) if it’s with a guy or a girl, she’s breaking her commitment to you and that’s the issue here.

If It’s Just Porn, well then you need to decide whether the idea of her getting off (yes, the BSG said it…you were all thinking it) to girls sometimes and boys (namely you) sometimes is something you can handle or if you want a girlfriend who’s porn activities will be limited to people with penises.

~BSG~

Tired of The Yo-Yo

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I pretty much know the answer to this question but I need someone objective to beat it into me.  A little over a year ago I became involved in a lesbian relationship with a co-worker.  First it was all hot and heavy sex in the company bathroom and sleep-overs almost every night.  But because she just had left a long relationship she kept telling me she didn’t want to date. 

Sometimes though, calling me her girlfriend, then other times reminding me weren’t “together.” Whenever I seemed to broach the subject, she got jumpy.  I don’t know if this is because she just got out of a relationship or because she just wasn’t so into me but it seemed like she was from all the texts and sleeping over.  Anyway we had a few major blow-outs that would end with her saying she just wanted to be friends but eventually we’d end up back in bed and seemed to be “dating” again. 

A few months ago, after a blow-out I ended up sleeping with a man and getting pregnant.  The night before I “took care” of the pregnancy I find out she slept with one of my close friends.  I think out of feelings of guilt for what she did and what I was going through, she said she realized she loved me and wanted to “work it out” with me, even bringing up moving in together.  Two weeks later I pissed her off and she dumped me….via text message.  So there was no “work” behind the “working it out.”  My question is should I be angry about getting strung along and why do people do that? And if I’m not over her, how can we friends?  Granted we still work together…which majorly sucks! ~In Over My Head~

Dear IOMH: Gracious girl, you ARE in a pickle aren’t you? There is much to say here, but you’re not asking the BSG how to avoid getting into similar pickles next time (although he has some opinions there).  Your question specifically is whether you should be angry about being strung along and why people act that way.  Good question IOMH.

First it’s important to know that your Fickle Fig wasn’t likely trying to send mixed messages or string you along. She was trying to, as we all occasionally do, balance her head and her heart. Her head was likely telling her (and you, via her mouth) that a relationship was a bad idea, while her heart (and various other parts, apparently) were sending a very different message. This isn’t because Fickle Fig is a bad person, but is just because in order to broker peace between her head and her heart, she had compromised for both. 

As this all progressed however, she had the chance to set some better boundaries and chose not to. It’s clear that Fickle Fig isn’t likely to set any useful boundaries where you’re concerned, so you and the BSG both know that it’s up to you.  

Based on your experiences with relationships recently, the BSG recommends you spend some time single; hanging out with friends and taking care of yourself after some difficult times. If you miss the physical parts (so to speak) of your relationship with Fickle Fig (or the dude you slept with), well the BSG hears that there are appliances for that…appliances that always set good boundaries and never send mixed messages.  ~BSG~