The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Know When it’s Over

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m confused and hurt.  My boyfriend of four years and I have been living apart since June due to our occupations.  Due to the nature of my job as a guide on wilderness trips we were only able to communicate once a week during the summer.  September rolled along, and my guide job ended, but I’m still living many states away.  In September he was pretty upset and depressed about his living situation, and we would talk on the phone for hours.  The night before he left for a new job in California, he told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids!  Then mysteriously, since mid September we have only had one 5 minute conversation which was from a payphone!

He assured me that he still loved me but was super busy with his new hectic job, and no doubt from the sounds of it.  He does not write (even though I sent him self-addressed stamped envelopes!) and he rarely responds to my e-mails in brief non-descript messages.  I’ve been trying to tell him to freaking borrow someone else’s phone if he can’t afford the payphone, but seemingly to no avail.  It’s mid October now, and one five minute conversation is not enough.  What should I do?  I think I have tried every possible means of communication at this point.  I fear that his actions may speak louder than words.  But why would he have talked of marriage and then nada?  Do I give him some more time, or do I give him an ultimatum?  I have made it abundantly clear in my correspondences that I’m unhappy with this situation.  It’s tearing me up inside.  Thanks for your help! ~Long Distance Turmoil~

Dear LDT: The Bitter Single Guy wonders if, through some weird rift in the space-time continuum, you have written to him from the early 80s? Your Waffling Wooer has only communicated by payphone? The BSG is hard-pressed to even think of where there IS a payphone in his town. Similarly, you sent Waffling Wooer something called a “self-addressed stamped envelope”? En-vell-op? What is this thing? The BSG jokes with you in your pain LDT, not because he doesn’t care, but because…well…it makes him smile.

But let’s get to your questions, shall we LDT? The Bitter Single Guy is going to channel one of his alter egos: the Bitter Science Guy. The BSG knows, as many of his readers know, that waaaay out in space when a star gets really old, it can sometimes get really bright just before being reduced to a lump of coal (the BSG is thinking about Christmas, sort of). Scientists, including the Bitter Science Guy, call this a supernova, and if one were wont to think of stars as people (and the BSG is wont), one could imagine the star giving its last boost of enthusiasm before fading away forever.

The BSG suspects that Waffling Wooer is much like a star going supernova in that he feels the end of your relationship coming, so he throws out the last bit of brightness he can muster.  Marriage! And offspring!! This will be perfect!!! Watch us shine…oh wait…I’m busy at work…I live far away… And from there, Waffling Wooer fades to a lump of coal (the metaphor breaks down in there somewhere, but you get the BSG’s drift).

So first LDT, let’s do away with the idea that his marriage proposal should somehow influence your decision (you know where the BSG is going, he thinks).

Second, believe it or not the BSG, among his many jobs, was once a wilderness guide, too and he knows what it’s like to be out of touch with civilization and relationships while tramping around in the woods. The BSG recalls that many of his coworkers had as much difficulty as the BSG in managing relationships in that job. Some might say that the folks who choose careers that keep them entirely out of touch with the world for days and weeks at a time have a larger issue to address, but the BSG will let that sleeping dog lie.

OK LDT, the BSG has rambled on sufficiently. He suspects (as you do) that your relationship is going the way of that supernova. Here are the things working against you:

• Your job keeps you out in the woods for up to a week without communication.
• Your boyfriend has a job that keeps him similarly busy, although not in the woods (random, but seemed important to call out).
• You live a few states away.
• He’s not communicating in a way that works for you (or would work for anyone, probably).

This combination of conditions doesn’t bode well. Here’s the plan: Email him or send him a letter. (the BSG is sort of astonished that a payphone is the best he can do when he apparently is working a lot. Odd.) In the letter, tell him that the foundation of a long-distance relationship is frequent communication and that when he’s got time for his relationship with you he should let you know and perhaps you can get back together. Yes, the BSG just recommended that you dump Waffling Wooer.

You’ll either shock him into stepping up, or he’ll tuck his tail between his legs and agree that this is for the best. If it’s the tail-tucking option, you’ll go through significant anger because he obviously hoped that you would step up and take responsibility for the breakup that he couldn’t seem to manage. The BSG encourages you to embrace this anger. Waffling Wooer should be stepping up here, and the BSG finds himself annoyed without even knowing him. Grrr…

The BSG is sorry for your breakup LDT. Even if you haven’t said the words yet, the BSG is pretty sure that not talking to someone who wanted to marry you for more than a month indicates it’s time to move on.

~BSG~

Soon-To-Be Long Distance Relationship

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I have been dating this guy for about 8 months, on a recent trip to meet his family we got into a huge fight and he decided to end it. But now I get an email saying that he misses me and wants me back, the things is he’s in the military and will be gone for about 7 months…what can a girl do to find out if it’s true love or if it’s just loneliness? ~Not Sure I’m Ready~

Dear NSIR: The Bitter Single Guy thinks that it could be both true love and loneliness, but that doesn’t help does it? NSIR , GI Joe is going to be gone for nearly as long as you were together before the Big Fight. Even if you had not had the Big Fight, the BSG wouldn’t give your relationship much hope to last when you haven’t had enough time to build a foundation that can survive a 7 month absence. When the Big Fight gets added to that, the BSG is concerned that you will remember being dumped as the last big event in your relationship before GI Joe headed off to war.

All that said, if you’re willing to take 7 months out of the dating pool (the BSG thinks sometimes a break from the dating pool is extremely healthy) this could be the perfect opportunity. You could make up with GI Joe, which would give him something wonderful to think about while he’s protecting our freedom (the BSG knows that there are bitter folks who will be thinking that he’s protecting oil interests and stuff instead of freedom, but it’s his experience that the nice folks in the armed services are usually passionate about their mission…it’s the leaders who are a bit dicey in the BSG’s opinion).

During the time you’re waiting for GI Joe to come home you can take a pottery class, read the classics, tutor school kids, or otherwise do something good for yourself and the world. Tempting, the BSG thinks. ~BSG~

Bisexual Guy’s Love Triangle

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First off, I’ll give you the background of my situation.  I’m a guy and I was in a monogamous relationship with a girl for a year.  Three months ago, I met this guy online and we went out and hooked up.  I told my girlfriend that I’d hooked up with someone and the stress of our coast to coast relationship had gotten the best of me and she decided it would be ok for us to go back to an open relationship, but then finally broke up with me a month into it.

Well, since then I’ve gotten really close to this guy, even though he’s only 22 and I’m 40.  To put it straight (BSG: pun intended?), he is the greatest guy I’ve ever met and one of the most fulfilling relationships I could ever want.  To be fair, he is incredibly good looking and talented.  And, we both have considerable finances relative to our ages.  It’s only been 3 months, but I’ve never felt this way about another man.  But, we both are honest about our other relationships and we’re both dating quite a bit.

Now, to complicate matters, I’ve just met a great girl and we went out on a date and kissed and are going to go see each other again.  I think as long as I’m honest, things will work out the best.  But my question is: do you think a girl in today’s society would ever be in an open relationship with a bisexual guy or is that out of the question? ~Kid in a Candy Store~

Dear KICS: For nearly a decade, the Bitter Single Guy has been dispensing advice to his faithful readers (I know ya’ll…TEN YEARS!) and he finds in the past few years that more people – men and women both – find themselves moving between the genders in their relationships. There are folks who believe that human sexuality exists on a continuum and some folks are all the way over on one side (totally straight or totally gay) and there are some folks who fall somewhere in the middle.

Truly, the BSG doesn’t know exactly what he thinks about this theory, but he has definitely gotten more letters like yours in the past few years, so he’ll let everyone draw their own conclusions from that.

The real gist here KICS has very little to do with your bisexual status and more to do with that hum-drum problem of managing a relationship in the midst of constant temptation. The BSG has seen, and is sure that some of his readers will concur, that we never seem more appetizing than when we already have a date. This is the dating equivalent of Murphy’s Law, maybe?

That aside KICS, let the BSG see if he can summarize your problem.

• You were in a long-distance relationship (with a girl).
• You met a sweet young thing online (a guy) and hooked up.
• Now you find yourself getting close to hook-up-guy, making you think it wasn’t as no-strings-attached as it seemed. (welcome to the club; it rarely is)
• Now, since getting closer to Sweet Young Thing, you’ve met someone ELSE (a girl) and plan to see her again.

Your question (to summarize) is if New Girl will be OK with you dating someone else, specifically a male someone else. Gracious KICS, there is so much to work with here. Here goes:

• Hoping that New Girl is down with you dating someone else seems plausible.
• Hoping that New Girl is down with you dating a guy, seems less plausible.
• Hoping New Girl is down with you dating a hot, young guy seems downright unlikely. (you don’t say, but the BSG is assuming that New Girl is closer to your age.)

You see KICS, there is no way New Girl can think of Sweet Young Thing as anything other than competition for your affection. And vice versa by the way…have you wondered what Sweet Young Thing will think about New Girl?

The BSG is going to make this easy for you. You’re worried because the big issue seems to be your bisexuality but in truth, the BSG thinks the big issue is what to do when you are attracted to more than one person. You can go the route of dating multiple folks, but frankly that gets tiring and more often than not, feelings get hurt. Most folks still buy into the idea that dating is a preamble to some sort of committed relationship, so there is a point where someone is going to get rejected (could be you).

The BSG thinks that if you are going to date multiple folks, you should (as you seem to plan) be honest with the participants. You should also be prepared for one or more of them to NOT be down with the arrangement. But mostly, the BSG thinks you should reduce your stable to just one filly. Whether it be Sweet Young Thing or New Girl, give the relationship a chance to evolve before you start adding difficult obstacles to overcome (like competition from the opposite sex).

KICS, the BSG would also be remiss if he didn’t add something here. At 40, coming out of a long distance relationship and coming into your first dude-on-dude relationship with a hot, talented (the BSG and his readers wonder what sort of talents? Yeah…whatever…the BSG knows you were thinking it) 22 year old, you may have some wild oats to sow in a pre-mid-life-crisis sort of way. The BSG recommends you determine whether this is possible and give yourself time to have fun with Sweet Young Thing if that’s what you need. If you convince yourself that the responsible thing to do is to build something Meaningful with New Girl, the BSG predicts you’ll be shopping online again within 6 months. ~BSG~

Long Distance Love

Dear Bitter Single Guy: To start off I love your website. It has really given me an insight in relationships that I haven’t had before.

Well here I go. I am 19 years old. I took a year off from school because of financial reasons. I’ve only had one previous relationship until a couple of months ago. I met this guy through an online game and clicked with him. He is 21 and lives in Indiana (I live in Florida). We talked for some weeks and we started developing feelings towards each other. He told me that I am everything he has ever looked for, and also that he would love to be with me forever.

When he told me that I became really confused because after all I am still very young. We decided to stop talking for some days and after a couple of days we started talking again. We have deep feelings towards each other and I really do love him. I am worried what might happen in the future. He told me that for him the long distance did not matter and after I start school in fall we will be able to see each other more frequently (I am going to school in Rhode Island).

What specifically worries me is that we are very different. We have different ideas in religion, society, music, books, etc. Even through all of this he still loves me and he still tells me he wants to be with me forever. I am still really skeptical and scared. What can I do? ~In Long Distance Love~

Dear ILDL: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you are one of the smartest and most eloquent 19 year olds who have ever written him! He has high hopes for your future, ILDL.  That aside, the BSG doesn’t think your relationship has any hopes whatsoever.

First, because he’s that literal guy, the BSG had to do a quick check of Lion-Hearted Lad’s math. The BSG’s quick look found that, even assuming the middle of Florida (Orlando) and not the end, the difference in miles between Florida and Indiana isn’t really much more than the distance from Rhode Island to Indiana. Perhaps the BSG has a different take on the whole space-time continuum, but this was his first suspicion that Lion-Hearted Lad is not firing on all cylinders.

Mileage estimates aside ILDL, the BSG just has to tell you that the chances of this relationship working out are similar to the chances of winning the lottery. And, like the lottery, there are people who occasionally win and it is fun to think about how great it would be to win, but that doesn’t change the fact that the VAST majority of folks who hope they win the lottery don’t. Similarly, the vast majority of folks who enter into a long-distance relationship with the hopes that it will be successful are disappointed.

Here’s what you have to do ILDL: tell Lion-Hearted Lad that you care deeply for him and look forward to continuing your long distance communication once you get to school, but that you can’t be in a long distance relationship with him. At this point, the BSG thinks you can safely make an excuse up, or can be honest with him. It won’t matter much because if Lion-Hearted Lad is willing to make a forever-promise to someone he only communicates with online, then he’s going to make up whatever story he wants to explain your departure.

But depart you must. Otherwise, you’ll drag this out and be forced to end it when it just gets weirder than it already is.

By the way, please don’t tell the BSG that your love for Lion-Hearted Lad hasn’t yet included exchanging pictures of each other or a live conversation on the phone. If that’s true, the BSG wants to take back some of his comments about your brilliance in the beginning of his letter. If that’s true, he wants you to let the common sense voice in your head (that you’ve been drowning out for the past months) finally be heard. Good luck in school. ~BSG~

She Wants Her Space

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been with my girl for almost a year now and things were going great; we got along, we never fought, etc etc, all that jazz. All of a sudden a few months ago her grandpa passed away and since then she’s been a total bitch; very mean, very short, she puts me on the back burner to her friends and prefers to hang out with them and get drunk and not include me at all. She looks forward to her bar nights instead of seeing me when I hardly see her because she lives 80+ miles away. The day after thanksgiving I get the “I need my space ” speech, the “I don’t want a relationship right now” speech. I don’t know if she wants to see other people. If I ask her if she wants another man she says I don’t want any man not even you. She says she’ll take me back, but I have to leave her alone and give her “space.” She wants to live her life, be single and have a good time. What the hell do I do…give her the time to have to herself, or just move on? ~Missing Her Already~

Dear MHA: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should let her go. If, as you seem to suspect, she is having a prolonged reaction to the death of her grandfather, it seems likely that she’ll be coming back to you at some point once she’s marinated her grief in enough alcohol. However, if she’s just done with you (which also seems true, based on what you write) then she’s not likely to be back anytime soon.

Either way, there are no decisions you can make other than to step back and let her go.  She’s told you that she doesn’t want any man, even you; told you that she needs space; and she would rather hang out with her friends than with you…the BSG definitely considers it over.

By the way; don’t believe the “don’t want any man” line. The BSG suspects that in short order your ex will have someone new who will probably live much closer to her than you do. ~BSG~