The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

How Old is Too Old?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Back in March, this guy broke up with me because he wanted to move on and see other people. I think he was cheating on me, but of course he denies it. While we were dating, he told me about his aunt and uncle that live in the same city as us. They seemed like cool people, I always wanted to get to know them, but before I could they got a divorce. And I got dumped.

To make a long story short: I met my ex’s uncle, and we really hit it off. He’s twice my age, but I really, really enjoy spending time with him. He says he’s not ready for a relationship, but I’ve been seeing him for the past 3 months and things are going really well for us. He says that he’s too old for me and the relationship being as it is (he’s my ex’s uncle) things can’t stay like this forever.

It sounds crazy, I guess. Is this situation just too messed up, and should I abandon ship even though I’m really happy in my situation? Or should I just let things take their course? ~Likes Old Men~

Dear LOM: The Bitter Single Guy sees two things going on here: you dating within your ex’s family and you dating a man twice your age. Let’s look at them separately, shall we?

The BSG doesn’t think there is anything wrong with the Old dating the Young. There are countless stories out there about emotional age vs. chronological age and the gist seems to be that if everyone is having fun then why the heck not? All the stuff that goes with big age differences will apply and may eventually get in the way:

·         You probably don’t share musical/movie/book tastes

·         You won’t get the pop culture references that he and his same-aged friends make to time periods during which you weren’t alive or were just “on the teat”.

·         If you assume (the BSG does not necessarily assume) that the purpose of a dating relationship is to find a long-term relationship, then you might think about what it will be like to be with him when he’s 80.

All that aside, the BSG’s earlier point still applies: if everyone’s having fun, why not? Although the BSG feels he should say that if Grandpa is clear with you about not wanting a relationship and you’re hoping he changes his mind, then you’re almost certainly going to get your heart broken. But that’s no reason not to hang in there…broken hearts are easier than dead ones (that’s dark even for the BSG).

The second point is about dating within your ex’s family. The BSG believes that there are people who will find this creepy, including your ex. Yeah, as he thinks about it, the BSG is pretty sure that the idea of his uncle “going” where he had been will be pretty creepy to your ex. But what the heck, that’s his problem.  Except that it will likely cause familial problems for Grandpa when, at the extended family gathering, he shows up with you to introduce you to his nephew (oops, you already know him), and maybe his ex-wife or his sibling (your ex’s parents?). Yeah…it can get ugly.

But you know what LOM? Relationships have plenty of landmines. If you avoid them all you’ll miss out on a great time. Hang in there until it gets all dramatic and Jerry Springer-like then write back to the BSG for some support on getting over Grandpa. ~BSG~

Tags: Age difference, love triangle

Infidelity Enabler

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have written to you before about whether or not the man I long to be with has feelings of love or feelings of lust for me.

Recently it has become much more apparent that his feelings run much deeper than lust. No matter what, this man is there for me when I need him. And when I say ‘no matter what’, I mean that he sneaks out on his live-in girlfriend to be with me, whether it’s to comfort me, offer much needed advice or to make sure I am safe.

I love him. I love everything about him, even his flaws. I love the things he hates about himself. We have discussed why he is staying with his girlfriend and it all comes down to financial issues. I know I am a bad bad person for seeing him behind his girlfriends back. But I don’t care. My former husband had numerous affairs, and he finally fell in love with one of them and left me for her. So I do know how it feels to be on the other end of it and that still doesn’t keep me from him.

Is my willingness to sneak around with him actually enabling him to stay in his relationship with the gf? We don’t get to see each other as much as we would both like to, and he is risking getting caught every time. I’m hoping seeing him will encourage him to find a solution to his problematic living situation. (I say problematic, not just for me and what I want but for him as well. He says he is not in love with her and at most times, doesn’t even like her) But I fear I am actually enabling him to stay. ~The Other Woman~

Dear TOW: The Bitter Single Guy wants to gently hold your hand while he puts his arms around your shoulder in a brotherly sort of way. The BSG wants to comfort you in this way because it’s apparent from your letter that there is nothing he can say that will get you off this destructive path and the BSG fears that heartbreak awaits you.

Because he can’t help himself, the BSG will offer some brief advice. You ask whether you are enabling Cheating Charlie? Yes, you are.  If you weren’t willing to support his sneaking around habit he would be forced to actually do something honorable about his unhappy relationship. You’re not demanding that he give you the same consideration that he gives this woman who he apparently doesn’t even like; why in the world would he change?

The BSG will also repeat the sage words that were shared with him when he was in exactly your situation many mango seasons ago: If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.  Referring of course to Cheating Charlie’s propensity to cheat on a committed relationship.  Someday you may be the one he’s cheating on.

All that aside, the BSG’s aforementioned foray into the land of The Other Man taught him many things. Among the lessons for the BSG was that no amount of intellectualizing could get him off the destructive path of The Other Man. The whole thing just had to play itself out and eventually it did. No, it didn’t end well for anyone. Yours won’t either, but the BSG knows better than to criticize you for something he himself was powerless to prevent.

So there it is. You came to the BSG asking if you were enabling, knowing that you probably were. You’re right; you’re enabling him. Just be sure that you’re not punishing the universe for the time when your ex was cheating on you by now enabling this cheater. Be sure also that you’re prepared for when it crumbles and falls apart. Write back to the BSG then, he’ll still want to take your hand and put his arm around your shoulder in comfort. ~BSG~

Tags: love triangle

Twisted Love Triangle

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I need your advice. I have a friend who is older than me, I call her my Aunt even though she is not related to me. She met a guy and spent a month staying with him at his apartment. They both agree that they only had sex two times. Then she came home (different state) and told me all about him. She became obsessed with lover boy and called, texted, emailed and the entire time he blew her off and ignored me. Now, we both came back to his state and are staying at his apt. The night we got to town he tells her he just wants to be friends and does not want a sexual relationship or any type of relationship, except to be friends.

However, I am sleeping on the couch in his living room and she sleeps next to him in his bed at night. He always keeps the bedroom door open. Then a few nights ago he and I were alone at home. We had some wine and next thing I know he tells me he really likes me and is extremely attracted to me. But I know for a fact my aunt is still crazy about the guy. Last night he tells me he is falling in love with me (something he never told her)…now keep in mind he has slept with her (the first night they met) and has not slept with me. I want to tell her what he is doing behind her back but I know she will be hurt and angry. Will probably blame me. I feel like I am caught in the middle of those two and I can’t even tell for sure if he means what he says to me, or is just feeding me lines to get in my pants? Wtf should I do? ~All In A Tangle~

Dear AIAT: “WTF should I do?” HTF did you get yourself in this bizarre triangle? The Bitter Single Guy has several questions :

1.       Why do you care how often your Aunt had sex with someone she was involved with?

2.       Why, in the name of heaven, are you and she staying in his apartment with him?!

3.       Is there a typo above, or did you actually mean that Lover Boy blew her off and ignored you? Have you been wrapped up in this relationship from the beginning?

Really AIAT, the BSG isn’t mad…he’s just disappointed.  Here’s the advice: Get the hell out of Lover Boy’s apartment, get the hell out of your Aunt’s and Lover Boy’s relationship, and get the hell away from Lover Boy altogether.

You’re afraid your Aunt will blame you for this man expressing his feelings for you? Where’s your free will AIAT? What did you tell Lover Boy when he was busy dissing your Aunt? Did you tell him that he’s a creep and he should clean up his messes before he tries to make new ones? Did you tell him that you have more self respect and love for your Aunt than to even be HAVING that conversation? The BSG guesses not and thinks that you’re probably sufficiently titillated by Lover Boy’s attention that you’re not setting any boundaries for yourself or anyone else.

Nothing good will come of any of this, AIAT.  Get out. ~BSG~

Tags: I'm A Tool, love triangle

Juggling Five at Once (Poorly)

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently found myself caught not in a love triangle but something far worse. I met “Matt” online and we hit it off, now he wants to take things seriously (wants me to move from the US to England with him). While my best friend “Jay” wants to marry me, and we are currently engaged.

After quite some time I realized that Jay isn’t the “one”. Then the plot thickens.*Dun dun dun…* Before Christmas I met “Mark” who is really great but sometimes I feel like he’s not completely honest with me. Then finally my newest problem, “Kaz”, who I’m not quite sure of yet but we both want to date each other, and despite my better judgment have really fallen for. I have another good friend who wants the same but I don’t share his feelings at all. Help, I’m know I’m definitely in way over my head, and it sounds like I’m a teenager again, I should know better, but alas, I’m here. ~Teenager All Over Again~

Dear TAOA: Really? Get thee to a nunnery TAOA. (The BSG and The Bard are like, tight) Are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? In summary then:

1.       Matt is in the UK and wants you to move and marry him.

2.       You’re currently engaged to Jay, but he’s not the “one”.

3.       You’re dating Mark, who may not be completely honest. (have you been completely honest about Mark’s competition?)

4.       You have met Kaz and want to date him.

5.       You have another good friend who also apparently wants a piece of you, but you don’t have the same feelings for him.

TAOA, the BSG has to ask what the heck is happening here. Let’s all imagine for a moment that the BSG writes a column about home improvement projects. You TAOA, in this fantasy, would be the compulsive home-project-guy writing in to say that he’s started five different projects and now doesn’t understand why he lives in a construction zone.

OK TAOA, the BSG hereby declares you unfit to manage your own romantic life and he requires you to do the following:

1.       Matt in the UK: call him (emailing is tacky, even for exclusively online relationships. If you’ve never actually spoken live and he’s asking you to come to the UK to live with him, the BSG doesn’t even have time to rant about that.) and tell him that you think he’s a great guy, but that you’re already engaged (no need to mention the other men you’re juggling unless he pushes) and so are breaking it off with him. Then break if off with him.

2.       Your fiancé Jay: Break up with him. The BSG already realizes that you tend toward wishy-washiness and he believes this will result in you sitting at your kitchen table after ten miserable years (for you and Jay both), telling your best friend (as Lucy would tell Ethel at the kitchen table) that you never believed Jay was the “one”. Don’t wait to be miserable; you and Jay are done.

3.       Not-Completely-Honest-Mark: Be completely honest with him. You’re engaged, you’re seeing several other people, tell him everything. Not-Completely-Honest-Mark, if he’s like many not-completely-honest people, will freak out at the idea of your dishonesty and will flee. He’s the lucky one so far.

4.       New Guy Kaz: You’re not going to date Kaz. The BSG doesn’t care how much you both want to date. Don’t you SEE the construction site you live in because of all these other projects?

5.       Your good friend who has feelings for you: Geez TAOA don’t make the BSG come over there.  Tell him you’re happy to have him as a friend, but that you’re not interested. Then be sure you’re not sending him mixed signals because the BSG doesn’t think you can be trusted not to entice men into dating you.

TAOA the BSG has great compassion for you and is pleased that you (finally) recognized that things had gotten a little out of control, but he also believes that sometimes firm boundaries have to be set. SET them. The BSG thinks that the best thing that can happen to you for awhile is to be completely unencumbered by relationships so you can learn how this got so out of hand.

The BSG is also concerned for the karmic debt you’re incurring by keeping all these men on the leash. If this were a home improvement advice column, the BSG would have you give away all your tools and learn to live happily in your home as it is before you picked up a hammer again and started breaking things.

~BSG~

Tags: Honesty, love triangle, Online Dating

Bisexual Guy’s Love Triangle

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First off, I’ll give you the background of my situation.  I’m a guy and I was in a monogamous relationship with a girl for a year.  Three months ago, I met this guy online and we went out and hooked up.  I told my girlfriend that I’d hooked up with someone and the stress of our coast to coast relationship had gotten the best of me and she decided it would be ok for us to go back to an open relationship, but then finally broke up with me a month into it.

Well, since then I’ve gotten really close to this guy, even though he’s only 22 and I’m 40.  To put it straight (BSG: pun intended?), he is the greatest guy I’ve ever met and one of the most fulfilling relationships I could ever want.  To be fair, he is incredibly good looking and talented.  And, we both have considerable finances relative to our ages.  It’s only been 3 months, but I’ve never felt this way about another man.  But, we both are honest about our other relationships and we’re both dating quite a bit.

Now, to complicate matters, I’ve just met a great girl and we went out on a date and kissed and are going to go see each other again.  I think as long as I’m honest, things will work out the best.  But my question is: do you think a girl in today’s society would ever be in an open relationship with a bisexual guy or is that out of the question? ~Kid in a Candy Store~

Dear KICS: For nearly a decade, the Bitter Single Guy has been dispensing advice to his faithful readers (I know ya’ll…TEN YEARS!) and he finds in the past few years that more people – men and women both – find themselves moving between the genders in their relationships. There are folks who believe that human sexuality exists on a continuum and some folks are all the way over on one side (totally straight or totally gay) and there are some folks who fall somewhere in the middle.

Truly, the BSG doesn’t know exactly what he thinks about this theory, but he has definitely gotten more letters like yours in the past few years, so he’ll let everyone draw their own conclusions from that.

The real gist here KICS has very little to do with your bisexual status and more to do with that hum-drum problem of managing a relationship in the midst of constant temptation. The BSG has seen, and is sure that some of his readers will concur, that we never seem more appetizing than when we already have a date. This is the dating equivalent of Murphy’s Law, maybe?

That aside KICS, let the BSG see if he can summarize your problem.

• You were in a long-distance relationship (with a girl).
• You met a sweet young thing online (a guy) and hooked up.
• Now you find yourself getting close to hook-up-guy, making you think it wasn’t as no-strings-attached as it seemed. (welcome to the club; it rarely is)
• Now, since getting closer to Sweet Young Thing, you’ve met someone ELSE (a girl) and plan to see her again.

Your question (to summarize) is if New Girl will be OK with you dating someone else, specifically a male someone else. Gracious KICS, there is so much to work with here. Here goes:

• Hoping that New Girl is down with you dating someone else seems plausible.
• Hoping that New Girl is down with you dating a guy, seems less plausible.
• Hoping New Girl is down with you dating a hot, young guy seems downright unlikely. (you don’t say, but the BSG is assuming that New Girl is closer to your age.)

You see KICS, there is no way New Girl can think of Sweet Young Thing as anything other than competition for your affection. And vice versa by the way…have you wondered what Sweet Young Thing will think about New Girl?

The BSG is going to make this easy for you. You’re worried because the big issue seems to be your bisexuality but in truth, the BSG thinks the big issue is what to do when you are attracted to more than one person. You can go the route of dating multiple folks, but frankly that gets tiring and more often than not, feelings get hurt. Most folks still buy into the idea that dating is a preamble to some sort of committed relationship, so there is a point where someone is going to get rejected (could be you).

The BSG thinks that if you are going to date multiple folks, you should (as you seem to plan) be honest with the participants. You should also be prepared for one or more of them to NOT be down with the arrangement. But mostly, the BSG thinks you should reduce your stable to just one filly. Whether it be Sweet Young Thing or New Girl, give the relationship a chance to evolve before you start adding difficult obstacles to overcome (like competition from the opposite sex).

KICS, the BSG would also be remiss if he didn’t add something here. At 40, coming out of a long distance relationship and coming into your first dude-on-dude relationship with a hot, talented (the BSG and his readers wonder what sort of talents? Yeah…whatever…the BSG knows you were thinking it) 22 year old, you may have some wild oats to sow in a pre-mid-life-crisis sort of way. The BSG recommends you determine whether this is possible and give yourself time to have fun with Sweet Young Thing if that’s what you need. If you convince yourself that the responsible thing to do is to build something Meaningful with New Girl, the BSG predicts you’ll be shopping online again within 6 months. ~BSG~

Tags: Bisexual, Long distance, love triangle