Family Man or Ramblin’ Man
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been living with my girlfriend for about 3 years now after moving across the country to start our life together after graduating. In total, we have been together since Freshmen year of college, setting aside 6 months when she traveled abroad and we decided to break it off until she returned (early on in the relationship). Minor fun was had during her absence, but we immediately restarted our relationship once she returned.
We’re both 25, she is the mellow, stable, sophisticated type, who is ready for kids and marriage (although, not pressuring).
Up until a few months ago, I had always assumed that I would most likely spend the rest of my life with her, kids, happy family, etc. I was even starting to plan for proposing and how/when it would happen.
All that changed recently, call it a ‘quarter life crisis’ (shutter at the term), call it what you will, but I am having major doubts about whether or not I’ll be able to commit the rest of my life to her in my current state of mind.
I can only trace my change of heart back to, wait for it…another girl. A co-worker of mine made it rather obvious that there was an attraction to me (she, also living with her boyfriend). It ended up becoming a problem, we started hanging out, and even ended up having a rather straight-forward discussion about the situation and how neither of us wanted to ruin our relationships or cheat. So far, so good, the adult thing to do, right?
I could easily forget about this other girl, as she is no-where near as compatible with me as I am with my girlfriend, and I can already tell, that she’d be no good for me in the relationship sense. The issue with the ‘other girl’ is that she is the first girl that has made my heart pitter-patter at all in over 6 years, whether because girls just don’t pay a ton of attention to me, or because I was just not receptive to the attention because I’m involved, I dunno. Cue, total life re-evaluation…
I’ve always been a little crazy (in the fun way, not pathologically), independent, level-headed, and confident, but this episode has totally fucked with me, left me head-spun, unsure of myself and confused/angry at myself for even thinking about ending it.
My girlfriend means the world to me, she is perfect for me in so many ways and I know she would make an amazing wife and mother of my children…one day. The few friends that I have mentioned my dilemma to tell me that I’m a ‘dumbass’ for even thinking about leaving her and that I’m already ‘boxing above my weight class’, she’s most definitely more attractive than me, down to earth, and lacking that certain crazy gene that totally turns me off in many women.
I worry that if these feelings subside and things go back to normal, that they’ll return when marriage, or even worse, kids are involved. And that shit scares me! I don’t want to be that man, to my own sense of morality or to anyone involved.
Yes, I realistically know that if I were to ‘take a break’, move out and try to be single for some period of time, she would get swiped off her feet by a more attractive, and most likely wealthier man, or just not have the nerve to forgive me for making her move out of our awesome apartment that we can only afford by sharing rent.
I could only keep these feelings bottled in for so long, and I’ve shared everything with her for my entire adult life. So, we’ve had a few, rather sad/upsetting discussions. It was sad to say it aloud, but I was as honest as I could possibly be (except the part about the co-worker), which I think should be left unsaid.
So, why do I feel like being single? I’m comfortable, life is good, I have a great partner that I can relate to, and I know that being single is not fun to say the least, nor would finding roommates in a relatively new city, but I feel a rather urgent need for change, to not be content at 25 with weeknights in front of the TV. Maybe it’s childish, but I feel like I need to be partying and doing bad things to my body, and staying out late. In other words, I don’t feel done with the college mentality that I only really experienced as an involved-man.
Ok, so that’s my story, or at least the condensed version (as if any of these are stories are short). ~Quarter Century Crisis~
Dear QCC: The Bitter Single Guy has some good news and some bad news for you. First the good news: You’re normal! The experience you have of being attracted to someone and feeling a connection while you’re in a relationship is completely normal and expected.
Think about this with the BSG; attraction is your brain receiving input (primarily visual, but other stuff too) and drawing conclusions. Attraction is chemical and prehistoric…scientists tell us that there are all sorts of evolutionary imperatives going on, but the gist is that you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to an there’s not much to be done about that. Now of course, given the basis of attraction, it’s not possible to shut it off just because you’re in a relationship. “Hey brain! Now that I’m happy and mature and planning for babies and such, would you shut down that pesky attraction function? Thanks!”
Yeah, not so much, QCC. OK, so in sharing the good news, the BSG has led you right to the bad news, but if it’s not already painfully clear: no amount of happiness, marriages or babies will change the fact that you will sometimes find yourself attracted to someone who is NOT your spouse/partner. This is especially painful when this random object of your attraction is also attracted to you! (of course you know this QCC…you’re living it.)
So here’s the gist of the BSG’s advice: don’t break up with your girlfriend because you believe you’ll be able to ‘get this out of your system’; you wont’ be able to. Sex drive lasts for several years after you’re 25 and you’ll find yourself attracted to folks long after that.
OK, so here’s the other side. You say that one of the reasons that you’re staying in this relationship is that you know you’re ‘boxing above your weight class’ (the BSG assumes that means your girlfriend is hotter than you are). Well, the BSG is concerned about the relationship equivalent of not wanting to drive anywhere because you’ve got a good parking space.
So all this is to say, the BSG isn’t going to tell you to break up with your girlfriend or not (this is rare…the BSG usually has a definite opinion), but he IS going to tell you to be sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. You’ve been together since you were freshmen in college and to the BSG’s experience, the late teens/early 20′s is one of the most important developmental times in our lives, so it seems possible that you’ll both evolve away from each other anyway.
Yadda, yadda, yadda. The BSG is rambling now, QCC. Here’s the gist. The BSG is impressed by your honesty with yourself and your girlfriend. If this is the first crisis of attraction you’ve had in 6 years then there is a good chance that you’ll continue only to have crises of attraction every few years and you’ll probably be happy ever after once you learn that those are normal. However, if this your brain (the BSG doesn’t believe that hearts talk…they just beat. Brains talk.) telling you that it’s time to grow and evolve and have some new experiences, that may not go away and if it does it might leave a good bit of desolation in its place.
Good luck, QCC. ~BSG~
Tags: Lust
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