The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Is He Ready to Marry Me and Commit?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend has a program to help him get a house and was planning on getting a house on his own when we started dating 2 1/2 years ago. But after we decided that we should get one together he hasn’t said or done anything to show that he’s wanted to do this, such as talk about houses or look at them even on his own online or talk about wanting to. His program is up in about 5 months and when I asked him 7 months ago if he had seen any houses lately, he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to use the program to get a house or when he wanted to get one, saying whatever happens happens.

I told him I’m not comfortable with what he said and that I’m concerned that he doesn’t have a budget and that someday he will need one. He said: what for? I pay my car insurance and I pay my cell phone bill and I am putting money away and making plans on top of what I’m doing for my house program.

I also asked him if he would sell the 3rd car he has and he said that if he needed the money for something he would sell it. I also said that I feel like he feels so uncomfortable talking about the future and when I asked if he was looking at houses I was being curious and I wasn’t trying to be pushy but he wasn’t talking about them or looking at them instead he’s looking at cars for sale in the paper even though he doesn’t plan to or have money to buy one.

He explained that he has been making plans and was planning on asking me to marry him that he wants to marry me and he wanted to surprise me and didn’t want me to know and that he felt like it wasn’t right if we looked at houses or talked about getting a house together until he had put a ring on my finger. ~Wondering Where I Stand~

Dear WWIS: The Bitter Single Guy can see how, once the decision was made to cohabitate, you began your campaign for fiscal responsibility. However, the BSG will tell you what’s going on here. It’s likely that your beau, when faced with the prospect of buying a house and also faced with the reality of a girlfriend he really liked, tossed out the idea of shared housing without really thinking it through.

The BSG, even though he hasn’t agreed to share a house with you, was finding himself all freaked out by the barrage of questions about looking for houses, budgeting, or buying cars. So the BSG is pretty sure that beau-friend got similarly freaked out at your need to be involved in a series of life decisions (about bills and cars and houses) that he just hadn’t prepared himself to share yet.

The BSG swears that he’s going to create an online class called “So You’ve Decided To Live Together” that will highlight all these issues and more (tuna salad: mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Discuss.) because these day to day issues are the ones that kill relationships.

Here’s the plan WWIS: Tell your beau-friend that you’re totally jazzed about the marriage idea and that you definitely jumped with both feet into this idea of buying a house together and that it had all these ripples into cars and budgets and other things that were not nearly as interesting sounding as wedding rings.

Please also tell your beau-friend that you can appreciate (or at least that the BSG can appreciate) his need to formalize your relationship before entering into a financial arrangement…that’s actually quite responsible of him and should be recognized as such.

After those potentially contentious and undoubtedly scary conversations, the BSG wants you to chill. That’s right, just chill out and let him know that you’d like to continue the conversation about all this so you can better understand what HE wants rather than telling him how it should be. ~BSG~

Was Husband #2 a Mistake?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I had a good first marriage, I thought, but he cheated and it ended. Two years later I met my second husband on a blind date. I really felt drawn to him and felt he was my second chance at love.  12 years later, the kids are older, and all we (the kids and I) feel is frustration.  I have made the statement several times that we are just not compatible. I have always been the one to compromise, and frankly I’m tired of it!

He has issues with every single relationship in his life, it just took me this long to realize that the issues were his and not theirs.  I always believed that his parents, his sister his exes and even his daughter were the problem.  Now I know different, but this is 12 years and 4 kids here.  I feel like ending it and have already moved out once before.  I decided to give him another chance, but now he has slidden right back into his old skin of complacency.  If I leave him I am afraid he will fall into a deep depression.  But I know I will be happier.  Why am I more concerned about his feelings than my own when he is obviously not concerned about mine? ~Stay or Go?~

Dear SOG: The Bitter Single Guy is going to say that deciding whether a decision was the right one after 12 years is like closing the barn door 12 years after the cows have left and wondering whether it should have been closed in the first place. This decision is done, let’s move on.

So then, the decision here is whether to stay in your relationship. As you indicate, children complicate the issue because your decisions affect them. That said, it’s the BSG’s opinion (from his own singular experience) that separate happy parents are better for children than partnered unhappy parents.

The BSG will note that you think your “time served” is a consideration in this decision and the BSG has a tough time with that. If you have 12 years invested in an unhappy relationship, how is that cause for investing more time? If this relationship isn’t good for your family, the BSG recommends wrapping it up. Now that said, the BSG also acknowledges that ending a 12 year marriage with children involved is very different than ending a relationship with someone you’ve dated for a year and with whom you share no children. Don’t doubt that this is a weighty decision SOG, but doing nothing is a decision too.

If your primary reason for not leaving is that your husband will go into a deep depression, let go of that. You’re not his therapist and it’s not your job to prevent him from going into depression at the expense of your own happiness. Given the weight of this decision, the BSG recommends talking to a counselor to help sort out all our various feelings so you can make the right decision for your family. ~BSG~

Know When it’s Over

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m confused and hurt.  My boyfriend of four years and I have been living apart since June due to our occupations.  Due to the nature of my job as a guide on wilderness trips we were only able to communicate once a week during the summer.  September rolled along, and my guide job ended, but I’m still living many states away.  In September he was pretty upset and depressed about his living situation, and we would talk on the phone for hours.  The night before he left for a new job in California, he told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids!  Then mysteriously, since mid September we have only had one 5 minute conversation which was from a payphone!

He assured me that he still loved me but was super busy with his new hectic job, and no doubt from the sounds of it.  He does not write (even though I sent him self-addressed stamped envelopes!) and he rarely responds to my e-mails in brief non-descript messages.  I’ve been trying to tell him to freaking borrow someone else’s phone if he can’t afford the payphone, but seemingly to no avail.  It’s mid October now, and one five minute conversation is not enough.  What should I do?  I think I have tried every possible means of communication at this point.  I fear that his actions may speak louder than words.  But why would he have talked of marriage and then nada?  Do I give him some more time, or do I give him an ultimatum?  I have made it abundantly clear in my correspondences that I’m unhappy with this situation.  It’s tearing me up inside.  Thanks for your help! ~Long Distance Turmoil~

Dear LDT: The Bitter Single Guy wonders if, through some weird rift in the space-time continuum, you have written to him from the early 80s? Your Waffling Wooer has only communicated by payphone? The BSG is hard-pressed to even think of where there IS a payphone in his town. Similarly, you sent Waffling Wooer something called a “self-addressed stamped envelope”? En-vell-op? What is this thing? The BSG jokes with you in your pain LDT, not because he doesn’t care, but because…well…it makes him smile.

But let’s get to your questions, shall we LDT? The Bitter Single Guy is going to channel one of his alter egos: the Bitter Science Guy. The BSG knows, as many of his readers know, that waaaay out in space when a star gets really old, it can sometimes get really bright just before being reduced to a lump of coal (the BSG is thinking about Christmas, sort of). Scientists, including the Bitter Science Guy, call this a supernova, and if one were wont to think of stars as people (and the BSG is wont), one could imagine the star giving its last boost of enthusiasm before fading away forever.

The BSG suspects that Waffling Wooer is much like a star going supernova in that he feels the end of your relationship coming, so he throws out the last bit of brightness he can muster.  Marriage! And offspring!! This will be perfect!!! Watch us shine…oh wait…I’m busy at work…I live far away… And from there, Waffling Wooer fades to a lump of coal (the metaphor breaks down in there somewhere, but you get the BSG’s drift).

So first LDT, let’s do away with the idea that his marriage proposal should somehow influence your decision (you know where the BSG is going, he thinks).

Second, believe it or not the BSG, among his many jobs, was once a wilderness guide, too and he knows what it’s like to be out of touch with civilization and relationships while tramping around in the woods. The BSG recalls that many of his coworkers had as much difficulty as the BSG in managing relationships in that job. Some might say that the folks who choose careers that keep them entirely out of touch with the world for days and weeks at a time have a larger issue to address, but the BSG will let that sleeping dog lie.

OK LDT, the BSG has rambled on sufficiently. He suspects (as you do) that your relationship is going the way of that supernova. Here are the things working against you:

• Your job keeps you out in the woods for up to a week without communication.
• Your boyfriend has a job that keeps him similarly busy, although not in the woods (random, but seemed important to call out).
• You live a few states away.
• He’s not communicating in a way that works for you (or would work for anyone, probably).

This combination of conditions doesn’t bode well. Here’s the plan: Email him or send him a letter. (the BSG is sort of astonished that a payphone is the best he can do when he apparently is working a lot. Odd.) In the letter, tell him that the foundation of a long-distance relationship is frequent communication and that when he’s got time for his relationship with you he should let you know and perhaps you can get back together. Yes, the BSG just recommended that you dump Waffling Wooer.

You’ll either shock him into stepping up, or he’ll tuck his tail between his legs and agree that this is for the best. If it’s the tail-tucking option, you’ll go through significant anger because he obviously hoped that you would step up and take responsibility for the breakup that he couldn’t seem to manage. The BSG encourages you to embrace this anger. Waffling Wooer should be stepping up here, and the BSG finds himself annoyed without even knowing him. Grrr…

The BSG is sorry for your breakup LDT. Even if you haven’t said the words yet, the BSG is pretty sure that not talking to someone who wanted to marry you for more than a month indicates it’s time to move on.

~BSG~

How Long Do I Wait?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am with my boyfriend since 3 years and a half. We have been living together since. Recently I asked him if he was thinking about a future with me like getting married, have kids… He said he was not thinking about getting married for now. His life is too on-stable: no degree, stable job and family issue. It is clear for me that I want to get married with him and start a family in the future. What should I do in this situation. ~Clock is Ticking~

Dear CIT: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you need to give this another 6 months, then bring it up again with your boyfriend. The question then needs to be whether or not he believes he will ever be ready to get married and start a family. If the answer is “someday, once these other issues are resolved” then decide how long you want to hang in with him.

If his answer is “probably not”, “I don’t think so” or something similar, then the BSG hates to be the one to tell you but you’ll need to decide whether being un-married and childless with this man is more important to you than finding a man who wants the same things you want.

Ending a relationships that is good in the present, but doesn’t seem to have a future is hella hard, CIT. But the BSG and you both know that there really isn’t any other choice if he doesn’t want what you want. That said, the BSG (and his readers) can think of lots of examples of people who didn’t want to take the marriage-and-children plunge, but found out that it wasn’t nearly as scary as they thought and actually has some benefits. The BSG hopes your boyfriend is one of these Reluctant Romeos. ~BSG~

Not Ready to Take The Plunge

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m 30 years old and have been with my girlfriend for a little over 5 years, the first 3 of which were long distance. She wants to get married – I’m not so sure. I love her and we work pretty well as a couple, but I still have a strong desire to call the whole thing off. How do I know whether I’m staying because of laziness and fear, or real love. Conversely, how do I know whether my desire to jump ship is typical male bullshit or the result of real problems in our relationship? Right now I’m frozen with indecision. ~Fish or Cut Bait~
Dear FOCB: The Bitter Single Guy wants you to spend some time with the question “What do you wish were true that isn’t true now?”. When the BSG says spend time with the question, he means that there should be about a zillion answers to that question, don’t limit the scope. Wish for world peace, wish for a Twinkie, wish for longer toenails, and see if anything about your relationship comes back as an answer. The BSG finds that our brains are pretty willing to give us information if we’re willing to sort through the babbling that invariably comes along with the good stuff. Our brains are like 4 year olds, the BSG thinks.
If your brain is telling you things like “I want my GF to wear more plaid” or “I want to climb Everest before getting married”, then the BSG suspects typical male bullshit. If your brain tells you things like “I wanna have sex with way more women” or “I want my girlfriend and I to fight less” the BSG is less suspicious of typical male bullshit, but he recommends working out the kinks before taking The Plunge into marital bliss. If your brain tells you things like “I wish I didn’t start and finish each day feeling miserable and alone” then the BSG suspects that you’re not ready for marriage.
~BSG~