The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

40 Year Flirt

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Simple, met him in college. He was separated from wife, she was a bitch. He really loved his son. We fell in love, she played the kid for the winning hand. It was over! I understood, but was devastated. He was my first real love.

Five years pass, we met by chance in the mall. I still loved him. He finally was divorced, I was engaged.

It was still all there for us. But, now it was me leaving him to get married. We saw each other a lot before I got married and even after. We never slept together, but wanted to. This went on for a year, and then my husband and I moved away. It’s been forty years and we still call each other and we’ve seen each other twice. He has always said that he loves me, even if we aren’t together. This is what I don’t understand. How can he still love me, if he left me? But, if he doesn’t, then WTF! ~Long-Time Confused~

Dear LTC: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this is easy! It’s EASY to tell someone you love them when you know you can’t do anything about it! Your Fickle Flirt probably loves stringing along all this time. Every time his life is less than idyllic he gets to  imagine how much better it would be if only YOU were there!

But wait LTC, the BSG is re-reading your letter here. You’re wondering why he would leave you (40 years ago) if he loved you. But didn’t you do exactly the same thing? If the BSG reads correctly, you’re the most recent one to let your marriage get in the way here.

The BSG has two recommendations:

1. Let him go. Tell him to stop telling you that he’s in love with you. If it’s truly been 40 years, the BSG suspects that you’ve both had your families and full lives in the meantime. The BSG is a fan of folks with history together staying in touch, but it may be time to decide that you’re going to stay married (if you are) and that you need to ask him to respect your decision.
2. Don’t change anything! Really LTC, why would you? You have had genuine affection for this man (and he for you) for 40 years, so it sounds like every few months the two of you have a nice conversation; he tells you again that he loves you, you say whatever it is that you say that keeps him coming back, and you then both go back to your own lives! This seems awfully harmless to the BSG and he can’t think of any reason not to change it.

But whatever you pick, keep in mind that if you want your relationship with your Fickle Flirt to be different, you’ve got to decide what you want it to be and then figure out what your OWN role is in making it happen.

~BSG~

Make-Out Mixed Messages

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Here’s my situation.  I moved to a new city 6 months ago.  I only knew one guy here through facebook (mutual friends, didn’t know him before moving).  After I move, we start casually dating for a month until I tell him mid-make out session that I’m not looking for anything serious right now, but I love hanging out with him.  He says he’s not anti future seriousness, but he’s fine with where I am.

We hang out one more time after that, and he ends up spending the night (no sex).  Then, I don’t hear from him for MONTHS.   I eventually texted him a couple times to figure out what happened and he was always friendly and said wanted to hang out, he’s just really busy…right.  I was sad because I really liked hanging out with him, but decided to let it go and focus on building good friendships here.  BUT NOW!  He started texting me again. He still hasn’t asked me out again, and I have no idea what he wants now.  Do you think he’s afraid of rejection and I should ask him out?  I already kind of feel like an ass for semi chasing after him when he stopped calling, so that idea freaks me out a lot.  Help me BSG! You’re my only hope! ~Got One Hooked~

Dear GOH: The Bitter Single Guy thinks your first decision should be exactly what you want from Reluctant Romeo. Tossing out speed-bumps in the middle of a make-out session to say that you aren’t looking for anything serious is bound to make Reluctant Romeo think twice about any kind of involvement.

GOH, the BSG would propose that you’ve gotten exactly what you (said) you wanted here. You said you didn’t want anything serious and you don’t have anything serious. You said that you love hanging out with him, but you “didn’t hear from him for months”…did he hear from you during those months? In other words, did you sit around waiting for him to keep pursuing you when you had essentially told him not to?

The BSG knows that you didn’t intend to send mixed messages, but he strongly recommends you decide what you want and simply tell Reluctant Romeo:

• I like you and enjoy hanging out but just want to be friends (FYI, friends, rarely make out).
• I like you and would like to go out on a date occasionally (FYI, casual dating is rarely successful…someone usually ends up wanting more and hearts get stepped on)
• I didn’t think I wanted anything serious, but it turns out that I like you more than I thought and I’d like to give “us” a chance.

Keep in mind that what you want may not align with what Reluctant Romeo wants, but at least you will know where you stand (or don’t, as the case may be).

~BSG~

Do I Stop or Not?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met and fell in love with someone about two years ago who I consider my soul mate.  She and I were in the process of ending our marriages, but hers was further along than mine. I lied about the status of mine because I knew it would mean us breaking up and I would potentially lose her.  She found out and I lost her.  After much soul searching and counseling, I called, apologized and told her that I was still in love with her.  She expressed her disappointment in me but her response was favorable.  Even to the point of her telling me that I have her number and that it was ok to call again. We began to talk regularly again and I began to get hope that we could get back together only to find out without her telling me that she had started seeing someone again.

The nature of the conversations prior to that point gave every indication that she was available to me (with obvious hesitation), but no mention of another guy.  This gutted me.  Since this discovery, we talk at least 4 times a week and she has revealed that she is still in love with me and wants to be with me, however she made a choice in spite of what she feels and I have to respect that.  But she is the one who calls and complains about the guy and even said he is not pleasing her sexually and asked if I had a problem giving her some to help her out.  I recently asked her what were her feelings for me and she went off on me, to later apologize and say that she does in fact love me but I am not allowed to ask her that again.  I believe the guy is a rebound, and believe that she really wants to be with me, but because I hurt her she is hesitant.  She doesn’t want me to go away (and I don’t either), but she from time to time says that I AM NOT RESPECTING HER RELATIONSHIP, but when I go radio silence she calls and declares her love and want for me.  I don’t know what to do. ~Bad Guy/Good Guy~

Dear BG/GG: You’re a tool and you’re being used. The Bitter Single Guy wants you to stop talking to this girl, and for the love of Pete, stop having sex with her.

~BSG~

Fickle Men Fickle Plants

Dear Bitter Single Guy: About a year ago I became friends with a guy in college. When he met my roommate he started coming over to see her, took her out, sent her flowers and the only time he talked to me anymore was when he called her.

She wasn’t interested, so he lost interest in her and started talking to me again.  We spent time together as friends, kissed a few times and eventually even had sex.  We talked about dating, but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I really have grown to like him and I want there to be a chance between us but I don’t know what to do. I want him to take me places and call me like he did with my old roommate, at least as friends. Any insight on what’s going on in his head? ~Girl “Friend”~

Dear GF: Once, the Bitter Single Guy had a beautiful plant that he brought home in a festive pot. He dutifully watered, loved and spoke to Plant regularly. In time, each leaf turned brown and dropped off the branches. Recognizing failure, the BSG put Plant on the porch and ignored it.

Soon, one or two sickly new leaves appeared. The BSG was heartened by his success and began caring for Plant again. For a while it continued its sickly life, then took a turn for the worse.

Are you getting the picture here GF? Plant toyed with the BSG’s emotions by warming up, getting cold, then warming up again. In a fit of frustration, the BSG finally left the damned thing out on the porch. It’s still there, a dry old stick. (at this point, the BSG is uncomfortable with this metaphor and wants to abandon it)

So, after so much babbling, GF, the BSG has this advice: stop trying to figure out the best way to nurture this relationship. Let it go. ~BSG~

Heading Down the Wrong Track

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I probably know the answer to this one, but I guess I need a bit of BSG honesty here.

I met this colleague like 4 months ago. He’s been super nice all the way, but I always had the gut feeling he’s gay – mind you, other people think the same – he talks about cute boys, and even told us about a gay dream he had… anyways, we’ve been out many times -sometimes with friends of his and lately on our own. I think I like him, but I was afraid of him being gay or bi, I guess. So this week we went out and he said he likes me, I’m great, etc. So I ask him if he is gay. And he says no. I said I will think about us getting together, since I don’t think having an office affair is such a good idea. Well, next day he was really mad at me about this gay questioning; he says he liked me because he didn’t really know me, he doesn’t like some things about me. I asked what, and he says I always stress out easily and I’m not much into cultural stuff…He also said if I had really trusted him I would have never asked him if he was gay, because he has shared all his life with me, talked about former gf’s and so on…

2 days have passed by and he’s already flirting with a friend of mine, and keeping me informed on his progress! What do you think? For the record, he had a one night stand with another colleague.  I wasn’t completely sure of liking him on the first place, but now I feel quite jealous, and I also wouldn’t like to lose his friendship, we get along very well. ~Confused at work~

Dear CAW: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should step away from this train wreck. Whether this Fickle Fig is gay or not, he seems to have pretty crappy boundaries where his workplace is concerned. Unless you both work in a restaurant (which, to the BSG’s experience, is chock-full of inappropriate boundaries but that doesn’t seem to prevent them from operating), the BSG recommends not getting involved.

Plus, the BSG has some of the same concerns you do. Per his post earlier in the week (Girlfriend in the Closet), the BSG believes that sexual orientation and attraction are on a continuum, so a mostly hetero guy making the occasional homo comment doesn’t seem completely out of the question in the 21^st Century. However, the BSG thinks that if Fickle Fig actually wants to attract and date you, then he should be smart enough NOT to talk about cute boys and gay dreams. The problem here isn’t gay, bisexual or straight…it’s just tackiness. ~BSG~