The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Do I Stop or Not?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met and fell in love with someone about two years ago who I consider my soul mate.  She and I were in the process of ending our marriages, but hers was further along than mine. I lied about the status of mine because I knew it would mean us breaking up and I would potentially lose her.  She found out and I lost her.  After much soul searching and counseling, I called, apologized and told her that I was still in love with her.  She expressed her disappointment in me but her response was favorable.  Even to the point of her telling me that I have her number and that it was ok to call again. We began to talk regularly again and I began to get hope that we could get back together only to find out without her telling me that she had started seeing someone again.

The nature of the conversations prior to that point gave every indication that she was available to me (with obvious hesitation), but no mention of another guy.  This gutted me.  Since this discovery, we talk at least 4 times a week and she has revealed that she is still in love with me and wants to be with me, however she made a choice in spite of what she feels and I have to respect that.  But she is the one who calls and complains about the guy and even said he is not pleasing her sexually and asked if I had a problem giving her some to help her out.  I recently asked her what were her feelings for me and she went off on me, to later apologize and say that she does in fact love me but I am not allowed to ask her that again.  I believe the guy is a rebound, and believe that she really wants to be with me, but because I hurt her she is hesitant.  She doesn’t want me to go away (and I don’t either), but she from time to time says that I AM NOT RESPECTING HER RELATIONSHIP, but when I go radio silence she calls and declares her love and want for me.  I don’t know what to do. ~Bad Guy/Good Guy~

Dear BG/GG: You’re a tool and you’re being used. The Bitter Single Guy wants you to stop talking to this girl, and for the love of Pete, stop having sex with her.

~BSG~

Fickle Men Fickle Plants

Dear Bitter Single Guy: About a year ago I became friends with a guy in college. When he met my roommate he started coming over to see her, took her out, sent her flowers and the only time he talked to me anymore was when he called her.

She wasn’t interested, so he lost interest in her and started talking to me again.  We spent time together as friends, kissed a few times and eventually even had sex.  We talked about dating, but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I really have grown to like him and I want there to be a chance between us but I don’t know what to do. I want him to take me places and call me like he did with my old roommate, at least as friends. Any insight on what’s going on in his head? ~Girl “Friend”~

Dear GF: Once, the Bitter Single Guy had a beautiful plant that he brought home in a festive pot. He dutifully watered, loved and spoke to Plant regularly. In time, each leaf turned brown and dropped off the branches. Recognizing failure, the BSG put Plant on the porch and ignored it.

Soon, one or two sickly new leaves appeared. The BSG was heartened by his success and began caring for Plant again. For a while it continued its sickly life, then took a turn for the worse.

Are you getting the picture here GF? Plant toyed with the BSG’s emotions by warming up, getting cold, then warming up again. In a fit of frustration, the BSG finally left the damned thing out on the porch. It’s still there, a dry old stick. (at this point, the BSG is uncomfortable with this metaphor and wants to abandon it)

So, after so much babbling, GF, the BSG has this advice: stop trying to figure out the best way to nurture this relationship. Let it go. ~BSG~

Heading Down the Wrong Track

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I probably know the answer to this one, but I guess I need a bit of BSG honesty here.

I met this colleague like 4 months ago. He’s been super nice all the way, but I always had the gut feeling he’s gay – mind you, other people think the same – he talks about cute boys, and even told us about a gay dream he had… anyways, we’ve been out many times -sometimes with friends of his and lately on our own. I think I like him, but I was afraid of him being gay or bi, I guess. So this week we went out and he said he likes me, I’m great, etc. So I ask him if he is gay. And he says no. I said I will think about us getting together, since I don’t think having an office affair is such a good idea. Well, next day he was really mad at me about this gay questioning; he says he liked me because he didn’t really know me, he doesn’t like some things about me. I asked what, and he says I always stress out easily and I’m not much into cultural stuff…He also said if I had really trusted him I would have never asked him if he was gay, because he has shared all his life with me, talked about former gf’s and so on…

2 days have passed by and he’s already flirting with a friend of mine, and keeping me informed on his progress! What do you think? For the record, he had a one night stand with another colleague.  I wasn’t completely sure of liking him on the first place, but now I feel quite jealous, and I also wouldn’t like to lose his friendship, we get along very well. ~Confused at work~

Dear CAW: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should step away from this train wreck. Whether this Fickle Fig is gay or not, he seems to have pretty crappy boundaries where his workplace is concerned. Unless you both work in a restaurant (which, to the BSG’s experience, is chock-full of inappropriate boundaries but that doesn’t seem to prevent them from operating), the BSG recommends not getting involved.

Plus, the BSG has some of the same concerns you do. Per his post earlier in the week (Girlfriend in the Closet), the BSG believes that sexual orientation and attraction are on a continuum, so a mostly hetero guy making the occasional homo comment doesn’t seem completely out of the question in the 21^st Century. However, the BSG thinks that if Fickle Fig actually wants to attract and date you, then he should be smart enough NOT to talk about cute boys and gay dreams. The problem here isn’t gay, bisexual or straight…it’s just tackiness. ~BSG~

“Serious” commitment

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating my current girlfriend for 3 years. We have been “serious” for about two and a half of those and have never had any major problems between us. However she has been acting really weird lately.

In April, I decided to forgo getting a Masters degree in my current major and go to law school (we are both seniors in college). At first she seemed to be fine with the decision, and even encouraged it. But in the past 2 weeks or so she’s been questioning my commitment to her, citing the fact I changed my career path which would postpone any long term plans, like marriage. She’s now just flat out bitter about it, saying “Whatever” and “Sure” when I say I love you.

She’s now limiting our phone calls and I’m barely pulling stuff out of her on the phone. I have no clue what’s going on. Do you have an idea BSG? ~Standing Out in The Cold~

Dear SOTC: This is a tough one. The Bitter Single Guy can actually identify with both you and your Grumpy Gardenia. You’re both in that stage of life planning that many young North American adults face where you have a plan for making money (work) that involves spending money (college). You don’t say whether or not your decision requires a change in geography, but that’s often the case. The BSG lays this out for you because he doesn’t want you or Grumpy Gardenia to think that your situation is so unique that there are no examples to learn from.

Here’s the breakdown SOTC. You and Grumpy Gardenia have been planning a life together after college (This is what the BSG assumes from your statement that your relationship has been “serious” for two and a half years). But although you were planning a life together, you apparently made a decision about your future that didn’t include her. So, she’s probably wondering, how “serious” are we if he’s making decisions about our future without me?

Do you get why Grumpy Gardenia is grumpy? The BSG certainly does.

SOTC, you need to decide whether you are working on a conjoint future with Grumpy Gardenia or not. Iif you are, well then you committed a faux pas by planning for your conjoint future without her. If getting “serious” (putting it in quotes doesn’t define it any more than leaving the quotes off, the BSG thinks) just meant an exclusive commitment without a commitment for the future, well you need to talk about that with Grumpy Gardenia.

Otherwise, and this is likely to be her sticking point soon if it isn’t already, she may be putting her own plans on hold because she’s making plans for the two of you while your plans mostly include yourself.

Now that he’s beaten up on you a little the BSG will say that you’re in a tough spot. If you wrote to him to say that you were putting off your plans for higher education so you could get married and have kids, he would likely castigate you for making a hasty decision so it’s sort of a lose-lose situation for you. But take comfort in the fact that you’re in the exact situation that MANY other young North American adults are in at about your age.  Good luck. ~BSG~

Getting Over Him

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay so I’m in high school and I’ve been best friends with this guy for about three years and of course I started to like him. We hung out every day and I was so happy with my life. Finally we admitted to liking each other but it was never the same.

Now when we’re in a group of people he’ll ignore me and flirt with other girls right in front of me. We hang out still but only if it’s just us two and I think he’s embarrassed to hang out with me. All these other guys like me but I can’t even manage to get those same feelings out for anyone but him. I try to get over him but it’s hard because I don’t want to. if I could have anything in the world it would be him. I really don’t know how to go about my problems and I just want an answer, I don’t care how harsh it is. Please please please help me. ~Devastated n Distraught~

Dear DND: The Bitter Single Guy is SO SAD for you! He swears he’s not being sarcastic here. The BSG knows distinctly what it’s like to have really strong feelings for someone and for those feelings not to be returned. WORSE is when the BSG has had those really strong feelings and really wanted them to go away, but couldn’t be rid of them. DND, is there anything worse than laying in bed unable to sleep, just WISHING you could stop thinking about this person who doesn’t feel like you do?  The BSG doesn’t think so.

DND, this is just as hard as you think. Your Bodacious Beau doesn’t feel what you feel and so he tries – in that effective guy way – to make you feel better through demonstrating that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. So he:

1.       Flirts with other girls in front of you. “See!  If you see me flirt with this girl, you’ll just stop having all those feelings that make me uncomfortable!”

2.       Treats you the same when it’s just you two together, but differently when there are other people around.

DND you need to bury your face in your pillow and scream until your face is really red and your voice is all hoarse. Then you need to hang out with your friends and be sad and wretched because you had a relationship pulled out from underneath you before it even had a chance to begin and girl…the BSG will tell you what you already know…that just sucks. Take care of yourself. ~BSG~