The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

“Serious” commitment

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating my current girlfriend for 3 years. We have been “serious” for about two and a half of those and have never had any major problems between us. However she has been acting really weird lately.

In April, I decided to forgo getting a Masters degree in my current major and go to law school (we are both seniors in college). At first she seemed to be fine with the decision, and even encouraged it. But in the past 2 weeks or so she’s been questioning my commitment to her, citing the fact I changed my career path which would postpone any long term plans, like marriage. She’s now just flat out bitter about it, saying “Whatever” and “Sure” when I say I love you.

She’s now limiting our phone calls and I’m barely pulling stuff out of her on the phone. I have no clue what’s going on. Do you have an idea BSG? ~Standing Out in The Cold~

Dear SOTC: This is a tough one. The Bitter Single Guy can actually identify with both you and your Grumpy Gardenia. You’re both in that stage of life planning that many young North American adults face where you have a plan for making money (work) that involves spending money (college). You don’t say whether or not your decision requires a change in geography, but that’s often the case. The BSG lays this out for you because he doesn’t want you or Grumpy Gardenia to think that your situation is so unique that there are no examples to learn from.

Here’s the breakdown SOTC. You and Grumpy Gardenia have been planning a life together after college (This is what the BSG assumes from your statement that your relationship has been “serious” for two and a half years). But although you were planning a life together, you apparently made a decision about your future that didn’t include her. So, she’s probably wondering, how “serious” are we if he’s making decisions about our future without me?

Do you get why Grumpy Gardenia is grumpy? The BSG certainly does.

SOTC, you need to decide whether you are working on a conjoint future with Grumpy Gardenia or not. Iif you are, well then you committed a faux pas by planning for your conjoint future without her. If getting “serious” (putting it in quotes doesn’t define it any more than leaving the quotes off, the BSG thinks) just meant an exclusive commitment without a commitment for the future, well you need to talk about that with Grumpy Gardenia.

Otherwise, and this is likely to be her sticking point soon if it isn’t already, she may be putting her own plans on hold because she’s making plans for the two of you while your plans mostly include yourself.

Now that he’s beaten up on you a little the BSG will say that you’re in a tough spot. If you wrote to him to say that you were putting off your plans for higher education so you could get married and have kids, he would likely castigate you for making a hasty decision so it’s sort of a lose-lose situation for you. But take comfort in the fact that you’re in the exact situation that MANY other young North American adults are in at about your age.  Good luck. ~BSG~

Getting Over Him

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay so I’m in high school and I’ve been best friends with this guy for about three years and of course I started to like him. We hung out every day and I was so happy with my life. Finally we admitted to liking each other but it was never the same.

Now when we’re in a group of people he’ll ignore me and flirt with other girls right in front of me. We hang out still but only if it’s just us two and I think he’s embarrassed to hang out with me. All these other guys like me but I can’t even manage to get those same feelings out for anyone but him. I try to get over him but it’s hard because I don’t want to. if I could have anything in the world it would be him. I really don’t know how to go about my problems and I just want an answer, I don’t care how harsh it is. Please please please help me. ~Devastated n Distraught~

Dear DND: The Bitter Single Guy is SO SAD for you! He swears he’s not being sarcastic here. The BSG knows distinctly what it’s like to have really strong feelings for someone and for those feelings not to be returned. WORSE is when the BSG has had those really strong feelings and really wanted them to go away, but couldn’t be rid of them. DND, is there anything worse than laying in bed unable to sleep, just WISHING you could stop thinking about this person who doesn’t feel like you do?  The BSG doesn’t think so.

DND, this is just as hard as you think. Your Bodacious Beau doesn’t feel what you feel and so he tries – in that effective guy way – to make you feel better through demonstrating that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. So he:

1.       Flirts with other girls in front of you. “See!  If you see me flirt with this girl, you’ll just stop having all those feelings that make me uncomfortable!”

2.       Treats you the same when it’s just you two together, but differently when there are other people around.

DND you need to bury your face in your pillow and scream until your face is really red and your voice is all hoarse. Then you need to hang out with your friends and be sad and wretched because you had a relationship pulled out from underneath you before it even had a chance to begin and girl…the BSG will tell you what you already know…that just sucks. Take care of yourself. ~BSG~

Dumped for a Baby Daddy (maybe)

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Me and my girl have been having a few problems the past few months. She broke up with me a few days ago. I spoke with her 2 days later and told her how I felt about her and that I still wanna be with her. While I was doing this she was smiling like she was flattered, so I took it as a good sign. When I was done she told me she just needs a break, time for herself and said please just let me do this. I will do this cuz maybe I need that time too. I just don’t want anyone else to come in the picture. Oh she also has a baby daddy for her 1 year old son… What should I do because I do want to get back together? ~Not Done Yet~

Dear NDY: The Bitter Single Guy is feeling out of touch because, while he’s heard the term “baby daddy”, he doesn’t exactly know what it means in this context. NDY, does it mean that she has a 1 year old son with a daddy-figure who she’s not romantically involved with? Does it mean she’s shopping for a daddy for her 1 year old? This is confusing for the BSG. He knows that there was a movie called Baby Daddy (or something like that) with relatively major stars and the BSG has actually heard Oprah use the term ‘baby daddy’, but he didn’t really understand it then either. He thought it was shorthand for “her baby’s daddy” which sounds pretty straightforward, but doesn’t really describe the mother’s relationship with the father, and doesn’t really accommodate the baby growing older. Can a 22 year old be the ‘baby’ in a baby-daddy scenario? So confusing.

Oh by the way NDY, you were dumped and your relationship is over. The BSG gets that you’re not ready for it to be over and he gets that you want to get back together, but the Baby Mommy (going forward referred to as your ‘ex’) doesn’t agree.

Someone else is likely to get into the picture; that’s a common occurrence after a breakup. If you’re lucky, she’ll miss you and it will be you. Take a deep breath and say it with the BSG: “I’ve been dumped.” Now get some of your buddies to take you out for inappropriate amounts of cheap beer (or premium ice cream, whatever your poison) and start the necessary process of grieving. ~BSG~

Tired of The Yo-Yo

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I pretty much know the answer to this question but I need someone objective to beat it into me.  A little over a year ago I became involved in a lesbian relationship with a co-worker.  First it was all hot and heavy sex in the company bathroom and sleep-overs almost every night.  But because she just had left a long relationship she kept telling me she didn’t want to date. 

Sometimes though, calling me her girlfriend, then other times reminding me weren’t “together.” Whenever I seemed to broach the subject, she got jumpy.  I don’t know if this is because she just got out of a relationship or because she just wasn’t so into me but it seemed like she was from all the texts and sleeping over.  Anyway we had a few major blow-outs that would end with her saying she just wanted to be friends but eventually we’d end up back in bed and seemed to be “dating” again. 

A few months ago, after a blow-out I ended up sleeping with a man and getting pregnant.  The night before I “took care” of the pregnancy I find out she slept with one of my close friends.  I think out of feelings of guilt for what she did and what I was going through, she said she realized she loved me and wanted to “work it out” with me, even bringing up moving in together.  Two weeks later I pissed her off and she dumped me….via text message.  So there was no “work” behind the “working it out.”  My question is should I be angry about getting strung along and why do people do that? And if I’m not over her, how can we friends?  Granted we still work together…which majorly sucks! ~In Over My Head~

Dear IOMH: Gracious girl, you ARE in a pickle aren’t you? There is much to say here, but you’re not asking the BSG how to avoid getting into similar pickles next time (although he has some opinions there).  Your question specifically is whether you should be angry about being strung along and why people act that way.  Good question IOMH.

First it’s important to know that your Fickle Fig wasn’t likely trying to send mixed messages or string you along. She was trying to, as we all occasionally do, balance her head and her heart. Her head was likely telling her (and you, via her mouth) that a relationship was a bad idea, while her heart (and various other parts, apparently) were sending a very different message. This isn’t because Fickle Fig is a bad person, but is just because in order to broker peace between her head and her heart, she had compromised for both. 

As this all progressed however, she had the chance to set some better boundaries and chose not to. It’s clear that Fickle Fig isn’t likely to set any useful boundaries where you’re concerned, so you and the BSG both know that it’s up to you.  

Based on your experiences with relationships recently, the BSG recommends you spend some time single; hanging out with friends and taking care of yourself after some difficult times. If you miss the physical parts (so to speak) of your relationship with Fickle Fig (or the dude you slept with), well the BSG hears that there are appliances for that…appliances that always set good boundaries and never send mixed messages.  ~BSG~