The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

When a Breakup Isn’t

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I could use some perspective on my situation. About 6 months ago my fiancé/gf of 5 years broke up with me. That in and of itself is not the end of the world. Since then, however, we continue to cohabitate. In fact, almost every aspect of our “daily routine” remains unchanged. She is my best friend, I still love her, and want to reconcile our relationship. For me, she is my first serious relationship, the first person I had sex with.

I am not at all an outgoing person, and I don’t have a lot of relationship experience to work with (I am an unashamed geek). Our situation is further complicated by the fact that we have children. We have gone to great lengths to keep our issues away from them, and we do things together with the kids and usually have fun doing them. I want to make the best choices I can for me and my kids, and doing the split parent thing is not what feels right to me. But on the other hand, I am being ground away by this situation.

I have had no opportunity to even really begin the healing process. I have come to the conclusion that I am being sorely used in this situation. I feel like I am being pulled in 18 directions at once, and am unclear in what direction to actually go. I don’t mind the thought of being alone, but am mostly scared that my children will suffer if I start moving on and their mother changes her mind. ~Lost In The Desert~

Dear LITD: The Bitter Single Guy feels for you brother, this sounds like a tough row to hoe. But of course, relationships change around us all the time…sometimes all we can do is ride the wave. The BSG is feeling very philosophical today, it appears.

First thing: If you’re splitting up with children involved, there are legal issues that likely require an attorney. Make sure your darling little cherubs (the BSG assumes) are taken care of and that you do what the law and our society require of you.

Second thing: WTF LITD? You broke up 6 months ago, but there is no discernible difference in your relationship or living arrangements? The BSG is speculating here, but he wonders what kind of relationship you had before the “breakup”.

OK LITD, here’s the scoop. You and your fiancé/gf/roommate are in a rut. Together or broken up your lives apparently keep plodding along the same as ever. The BSG is going to recommend that you be the one to take action of some sort. If in fact you’re broken up, you need to stop living together unless you’ve also both decided that you’ll simply stop looking for a romantic relationship because you’ve decided to live the rest of your lives in a love-less household (best-friend-ship not withstanding).

So it’s up to you to break the cycle. Tell your room mate that it’s time to figure out custody and financial support arrangements for the cherubs so you can determine who’s moving out. The BSG suspects this will certainly get her attention, but he doesn’t necessarily think that she’ll immediately see the error of her ways and want you “back” (the BSG uses quotes because “back” in this context is only an abstract idea).  So you may be bringing about the end of the tenuous truce that you seem to have landed on, but really LITD, do you want this to go on forever? The BSG didn’t think so. ~BSG~

Sort of Broken Up

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating pretty non-stop for the past 11 years since my divorce. All of them were kind of long-distance relationships where we saw each other on weekends, and I always had my space and “freedom”. Then 4 mos ago,I met a guy who was absolutely tender, sweet and affectionate, and he looked after me. We spent three mos practically living together (he came over one night and never left ..) It was not a perfect relationship but it was perfectly normal and we both were very happy and most definitely in love. Then I started noticing all the classic symptoms of depression and withdrawl. I did not know what was going on, then he told me that it was his job (he is 100% commission sales person, and in this economy, I can only imagine what it is like having a job like that ..) But still I was not able to relate to his situation completely and kept pushing (I have a highly-paid job and I am not patient ..) I felt rejected and in the same time, my legacy commitment phobia raised its head. I kept having long, drawn-out conversations, and we picked fights with each other. This went on for about a month and half. During which, I broke up with him two and half times, but every single time he came back and tried to make up.  But then I did not see the “necessary” improvement I wanted, I got upset again. Eventually I asked him to take all his stuff out of my place.  And finally he told me what was going on – besides his dead-end job and ahole boss, he is still entangled in a complete financial diaster from the divorce (which was finalized a year before we met.)  And that a week a ago.
Before I left, we sat in his car and talked for two and half hours, and about many things (memories of past good time, what he did that hurt me, and what I did that was unreasonable, and why logically, it is the right decision for both of us not to date.) I gave him a hug and said: take good care of yourself.  He replied: why did you say that?  you don’t want to talk to me ever again?  I said: no, that is not what I meant. I am not like that.

Anyway, here is my pain:I broke up with him not because I did not care about him or did not want to be him anymore. I realized that due to the current circumstances (that his personal life is a mess) a new relationship and a demanding girlfriend is the last thing he needs to deal with right now.  But I am still so emotionally attached to him because the time we spent together, we were like family. I don’t want to date him now, but I also don’t want to lose him or cast him out of my life all together. Do I hope or at least pray that if his situation improves, we should both give it another try – absolutely.  But right now, I don’t know exactly what to do to accomplish seemingly contradicting goals – letting him know that I want to support him as a friend even that means giving him space and time, and reminding him that I still love and care for him.

He has txted me and called me apologizing for having hurt me and asking me how I was doing during past week.  I was not going to respond to any of it, but on Thur, I did pick up one call, and we talked for a while (about his job, my work, my weekend plan, etc.) He called me again Thur night, but no VM. I did not call back until last night. But he didn’t pick up. I did not leave a message (What do you say?)

Sorry for the long winding message – I am seeing a therapy now as I am “officially depressed”. But I am really curious to hear what SBG has to offer as alternative! ~On Again Off Again~

Dear OAOA: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’re thinking too much about this (therapy will do that to you). Breakups are never easy even if they’re for the right reasons. You’re feeling a typically loss at the breakup even though you initiated it. Don’t make this guy’s life any more difficult by breaking up with him then refusing to let go.

If you want to get back together, you should think about what YOU’RE going to do to change…the BSG thinks you have made this all about your Charming Chap when in the BSG’s experience, it’s rare that breakups are anyone’s “fault”.

In short OAOA, break up or get back together, but stop stringing this guy along. ~BSG~

First chance at love

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have incredible standards. I am never attracted to anyone who isn’t a perfect 10. I’m a junior in high school, and I have never had a girlfriend. It’s not that I have no confidence or I’m butt ugly or anything. Normally the girls I like are out of my league. My best friend introduced me to a girl just recently, about a month ago. She wasn’t a super model, but there was an instant attraction to her. She doesn’t treat me like the other girls.

Now, all of my friends know that I am interested in her. I think she may be interested in me. We have a lot of physical contact in school and she makes me walk her to class. It’s hard, though. My best friend, we will call him Fred, is best friends with her. He constantly offers his help, which I don’t always want.  Another thing is, he’s always around when I am with her. Since they are best friends, he’s too much of a distracter and he steals time I want with her. I can’t invite her to just hang out with me one on one, that’s too forward. When we all hangout, the same thing happens. It’s also like, we are really good friends in school. Outside of school, we don’t talk much outside of facebook (yes I know). We have talked on the phone once, she called me. Apparently Fred and her talk on the phone constantly. She isn’t interested in Fred, though. Fred is more of the “best friend” guy, not the boyfriend.

What do you suggest I do? Should I grow some balls and call her? That’s random, what would we talk about? How do I get my relationship deeper with her, while Fred is there? How can I take the spotlight off him? ~Ready for First Base~

Dear RFB: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you know the answer to this already: grow some balls and call her. Clearly, she’s already demonstrated sufficient testicular fortitude to call you, right? If she’s not interested in Fred, but he’s constantly mucking up your time with her, then the BSG thinks it’s likely that Fred is interested in her and is using his powers of annoyance to ruin your chances. Sounds like he’s succeeding, eh RFB?

Call her on the phone and talk to her. Invite her out for an eggnog latte…it’s the season for those, right? Yes, it’s forward and yes it may seem random, but it will send the message that you want to send which is “I’m interested in you.” Annnddd……GO!

By the way RFB, “only interested in those who are a perfect 10″? The BSG promises that approach to love is going to bite you in the ass sometime, so he recommends getting ready.

~BSG~

He Left

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So. My ex was never really an ex. We dated for about 7 months total, the only guy I have ever fallen for. He tells me “I’ll always be the rock in your life. I want you to know no matter what I’ll always be there. I know every man in your life had failed you but I won’t. I am 20 he is 28. We met each other’s family and had a really good relationship we were just never official. He was leaving to New York. Spent about 5 days a week together fought only 3 times total. Night before Valentines he is at his female friends house and I find out online (facebook). I get mad and start an argument I leave, he tells me I don’t understand because I’m young. He completely stops texting and calling. Three weeks later I get a text. “I had fun while I was in TX. I still care about you. I don’t want you to think that I don’t.”

Now he won’t talk to me wants nothing to do with me and is coming in town next weekend to hang out with my cousin and her boyfriend who are ten years younger than him and he met through me. I still love him and can’t move on I’ve dated other men but I just can’t get over him. I want him back but I know I’m stupid and I’m trying to move on but I want to believe that he will come back.. I don’t know what to think. Your advice please? ~Hoping Against Hope~

Dear HAH: The Bitter Single Guy is sad for you because you’re right…you’re being a little stupid and this relationship is over. A few key points:

• You say you were never official: Yes you were. Official relationships only require that a relationship exists and this one clearly existed.
• He’ll always be the rock in your life: The BSG wants you NEVER to believe this. Be your own rock.
• Don’t use logic: You never fought, his family liked you, he “still cares about you”. Logic makes for soul-less relationships.
• You’re angry: Of course you are, you got dumped (the BSG wants you to realize this) and you’re entitled to be angry. Own it, embrace it, in time the anger will pass.

~BSG~

Almost Had a Date!

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m an Indian who studies in USA. Since moving, I have not dated anyone because nobody I liked asked me out and I was busy adjusting to the new environment. Early this year, I went out partying and this white guy asked me to dance. We danced. He invited me out for a late night snack and wanted to take me to his place for a game of beer pong. This scared me since I’m from a different culture so I refused to split from my group to go to his place. I also do not drink. He seemed disappointed but that was the end of it. I gave him my number but he never called. Recently, I saw him on MySpace and added him as a friend but he does not communicate with me even if I’m a web-page away. I have begun to like this guy. What do I do? I would prefer if he made the first move. He is not conservative but I am willing to date a different type of guy. ~Ready To Date~

Dear RTD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this guy was interested in a one-night thing and nothing else. Let him go before you start to look desperate. You’ll send the message that if you’re good enough for a quickie, you’re good enough for a date. Relax, it’ll happen.

~BSG~