Dear Bitter Single Guy: I could use some perspective on my situation. About 6 months ago my fiancé/gf of 5 years broke up with me. That in and of itself is not the end of the world. Since then, however, we continue to cohabitate. In fact, almost every aspect of our “daily routine” remains unchanged. She is my best friend, I still love her, and want to reconcile our relationship. For me, she is my first serious relationship, the first person I had sex with.
I am not at all an outgoing person, and I don’t have a lot of relationship experience to work with (I am an unashamed geek). Our situation is further complicated by the fact that we have children. We have gone to great lengths to keep our issues away from them, and we do things together with the kids and usually have fun doing them. I want to make the best choices I can for me and my kids, and doing the split parent thing is not what feels right to me. But on the other hand, I am being ground away by this situation.
I have had no opportunity to even really begin the healing process. I have come to the conclusion that I am being sorely used in this situation. I feel like I am being pulled in 18 directions at once, and am unclear in what direction to actually go. I don’t mind the thought of being alone, but am mostly scared that my children will suffer if I start moving on and their mother changes her mind. ~Lost In The Desert~
Dear LITD: The Bitter Single Guy feels for you brother, this sounds like a tough row to hoe. But of course, relationships change around us all the time…sometimes all we can do is ride the wave. The BSG is feeling very philosophical today, it appears.
First thing: If you’re splitting up with children involved, there are legal issues that likely require an attorney. Make sure your darling little cherubs (the BSG assumes) are taken care of and that you do what the law and our society require of you.
Second thing: WTF LITD? You broke up 6 months ago, but there is no discernible difference in your relationship or living arrangements? The BSG is speculating here, but he wonders what kind of relationship you had before the “breakup”.
OK LITD, here’s the scoop. You and your fiancé/gf/roommate are in a rut. Together or broken up your lives apparently keep plodding along the same as ever. The BSG is going to recommend that you be the one to take action of some sort. If in fact you’re broken up, you need to stop living together unless you’ve also both decided that you’ll simply stop looking for a romantic relationship because you’ve decided to live the rest of your lives in a love-less household (best-friend-ship not withstanding).
So it’s up to you to break the cycle. Tell your room mate that it’s time to figure out custody and financial support arrangements for the cherubs so you can determine who’s moving out. The BSG suspects this will certainly get her attention, but he doesn’t necessarily think that she’ll immediately see the error of her ways and want you “back” (the BSG uses quotes because “back” in this context is only an abstract idea). So you may be bringing about the end of the tenuous truce that you seem to have landed on, but really LITD, do you want this to go on forever? The BSG didn’t think so. ~BSG~