The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

BSG, I’ll try my best to make a long story short.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. We’ve had ups and downs like any relationship. I have thought before that things wouldn’t work out, but we have stuck it out. I find myself frequently questioning my feelings for him and have been very depressed. I began seeing a therapist in January and after a few months my husband joined me because he was worried he didn’t have a marriage anymore.

We’re still going, once a week and I feel that very little has changed. I feel like I am faking it till we make it. And I have been feeling like he is just waiting for me to make up my mind about what I want. I’m the bad guy and he’s the victim. Well then I find out he has a membership to cupid.com and has IM’ed with girls on there. I asked him about it and said it was innocent talk.

Well I know the girl he’s been talking to, but he doesn’t know that part. He told her he was going through a divorce and not to run away. She said she was online last week and he IM’ed her. This latest contact was after I asked him about it. I have to wonder if he is truly happy; what is he on there for? What is missing for him? I’m his 2nd wife and wonder if he is afraid of another failed marriage.

My head says staying together is the right thing to do. We have a daughter; we have great stability, and a promising future of success. The pretty little picture.

I am tired of feeling like I am faking it. He is being deployed to Iraq for 6 months and I am so looking forward to the separation. I won’t send him off thinking things are shaky though. Once he returns we are to relocate to the North near my family. The only reason he requested this assignment is for me and I feel obligated to stay because of it. Okay, this is way too long. What are your thoughts? ~Head or Heart~

Dear HOH: The Bitter Single Guy wants you to stop treating this as a “fake it until you make it” exercise, because he wants to remind you that (as far as he knows) “making it” in marriage is dying, right? “‘Til death do we part”, HOH?

You’re in therapy which is a good first step, but the BSG wonders what’s happening in therapy to be there for nearly a year without you feeling like anything’s changing. Perhaps it’s time for a new therapist? But the BSG definitely encourages you to bring your letter to your therapist to see what s/he has to say.  Short answer: you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship.

The BSG is a little miffed with your hubbie for contacting other girls online. But the BSG kind of understands where he’s coming from. If you’re as emotionally uninterested as you say you are, he’s probably feeling pretty lonely too. Really HOH, why are you staying in this relationship again?

Have this conversation with your therapist and find reasons to stay in your relationship. Otherwise, you have a lifetime of, at best, emotional numbness to look forward to . Yay? ~BSG~

Tags: Online Dating

Another Ice Cream Saturday Night

Saturday night and the ice cream is flowing…

Dear Bitter Single Guy: It’s a Saturday night and pitifully I have stumbled onto your website after vowing to stay in my pj’s and to end all attempts at contact with the opposite sex forevermore.  Wish I had a good recent story of a breakup or crazy codependent shenanigans to share, but instead I write partially out of a sense of boredom and apathy, and partially… no wait… it’s almost totally out of boredom. Sorry. But wait… I just read your little bio that you have a Masters in Psychology, which has upped my interest and made me want to at least try to formulate something worthy of a Masters level psychological type response.

O.k., here is my attempt… I have never been a dater, and have only ever been in one serious long term relationship in my 33 years on this planet.  I have liked guys who didn’t like me, and I have been liked by guys who I thought were moderately psychotic or at least semi-geeky and not my type. Now I have joined an online dating site, simply because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my existence, but I am finding that this experience is growing old very fast.  I find it exhausting trying to be some perky, chipper wifey type material- and I have interestingly found that a good chunk of the guys that I am supposed to be compatible with stop writing when they hear about my education (yup – Masters as well). And then I get exhausted trying to weed through the profiles of 40 something year olds who still live with their mothers which are frequently sent my way.

So here are my questions… do I give up and live in my pj’s for the rest of my life?  Do I pretend to be an un-intelligent simple girl just so I don’t scare guys off?  Do I just try to come to grips with the fact that if I don’t want to be alone I need to hook up with a mildly psychotic mama’s boy?

I’m going to go find some ice cream.  This is depressing. ~Investing in Ben & Jerry’s~

Dear IBJ: Wow, the Bitter Single Guy is impressed! Take note, teens and twenty-somethings: there is a level of bitterness accessible in your thirties and beyond that you can only imagine now.

Several things IBJ:

• You have to play the game, at least a little, if you expect to win. If you’re not a dater, then it’s going to take longer for you to find a useful relationship than it would for someone who’s in the game.
• The BSG will delicately say that your interpretation of guys bolting when they hear about your education is much more likely to be your baggage than theirs. But if it’s not, then the BSG suggests meeting more guys whose experiences (including education) are more like yours.
• Online dating is not what people want it to be. Don’t sign up for one of these services and then sit back and wait for the offers to roll in. Online dating is a process of you responding to profiles in order to have way more conversations than you want in order to find one that fits.
• Finally, why don’t you find other things to do on a Saturday night? Hang with friends, join a social group, take up music lessons or some such thing. There are all sorts of ways to spend rewarding time (the BSG means NO disrespect to ice cream here) than just going on dates.

Patience, IBJ. Believe it or not, there are some folks for whom relationships come infrequently. Your time will come; do what you can now to be ready when it comes.

~BSG~

Tags: Online Dating

Picky Dater

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So it’s Saturday night and here I sit writing the BSG about dating. Seems I have a problem with dating doesn’t it? I do and I’m extremely frustrated with the whole business.

I do get asked out on dates, and the ones I accept, never seem to pan out… postponed indefinitely or talk about it, but it never happens. And I also get asked out by guys that I have no attraction or interest in. I have resorted to online dating. Every guy that shows interest in me I, once again… have no interest in or the least bit of attraction to. And the guys that I message do not reply. I feel like I’m in a league all by myself.

I was able to meet someone that I interested in. After looking at his profile, messages and a phone call, we met for dinner and he was totally not my type. I called my friend on the way home to tell her how it went and she reprimanded me by saying that I can’t be so picky and still complain about not having dates. Where the hell is the middle ground here?! Is it bad that I put so much into the initial physical attraction? I want to be able to say “OMG! He’s so cute” not “Oh God, WTF!?” I feel like I am playing games with guys if I accept dates with those I am not attracted to.

BSG I wish you could sit at the computer with me and point out which guys I should be “going for”. Am I looking out of my league? ~League of My Own~

Dear LOMO: Writing to the Bitter Single Guy on a Saturday night isn’t such a bad thing…it’s like you had a date with the BSG! Personally, the BSG had a great time and promises to call you soon (don’t believe him, he always says that).

LOMO, the BSG has so much to say here, so he’s going to try to be concise:

1.       You don’t need a date every Saturday night. Spend one of those evenings going to a poetry reading, or taking a pottery class. Do something that makes YOU a more festive date. Every product on the market has to go through a Research & Development phase at some point.

2.       You get asked on dates, but not by the guys you’re attracted to? Welcome to the world of dating (fun, yes?). We are always in this triangle of pursuing someone who is busy pursuing someone else, who is busy pursuing us. Your friend is partially right, if you’re too picky, you’ll miss out.

3.       Your friend is partially wrong. In the BSG’s opinion, if you’re not attracted to someone at first, you’re not going to be attracted to them later. Many people look great “on paper” but in person there’s no spark. There has to be a spark.

4.       Stop believing that you can tell if there is a spark online or on the phone. Yes, if you meet in person and there’s no spark, politely decline a second date  (the BSG has ranted separately about being honest in these situations, so he won’t rant here). However, if someone contacts you on an online dating site, don’t believe that you can judge who they really are by their picture or profile. Meet them in person. This is the part that your friend is partially right about.

5.       There IS a middle ground between “OMG, He’s so cute” and “Oh God, WTF?”. Not every great date will look like that freak from Twilight (really folks? HIM? Ugh).

6.       Finally LOMO, of COURSE you’re in a league of your own! And so is every single guy you connect with (and don’t connect with). Let go of this idea of leagues. Really, back to the BSG’s previous comment, didn’t we learn anything from Twilight? If beautiful, charming, educated vampires can love geeky, backward, klutzy girls, then isn’t there hope for all of us?

Keep trying LOMO, it’s the only answer. ~BSG~

 

 

Tags: Online Dating

Juggling Five at Once (Poorly)

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently found myself caught not in a love triangle but something far worse. I met “Matt” online and we hit it off, now he wants to take things seriously (wants me to move from the US to England with him). While my best friend “Jay” wants to marry me, and we are currently engaged.

After quite some time I realized that Jay isn’t the “one”. Then the plot thickens.*Dun dun dun…* Before Christmas I met “Mark” who is really great but sometimes I feel like he’s not completely honest with me. Then finally my newest problem, “Kaz”, who I’m not quite sure of yet but we both want to date each other, and despite my better judgment have really fallen for. I have another good friend who wants the same but I don’t share his feelings at all. Help, I’m know I’m definitely in way over my head, and it sounds like I’m a teenager again, I should know better, but alas, I’m here. ~Teenager All Over Again~

Dear TAOA: Really? Get thee to a nunnery TAOA. (The BSG and The Bard are like, tight) Are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? In summary then:

1.       Matt is in the UK and wants you to move and marry him.

2.       You’re currently engaged to Jay, but he’s not the “one”.

3.       You’re dating Mark, who may not be completely honest. (have you been completely honest about Mark’s competition?)

4.       You have met Kaz and want to date him.

5.       You have another good friend who also apparently wants a piece of you, but you don’t have the same feelings for him.

TAOA, the BSG has to ask what the heck is happening here. Let’s all imagine for a moment that the BSG writes a column about home improvement projects. You TAOA, in this fantasy, would be the compulsive home-project-guy writing in to say that he’s started five different projects and now doesn’t understand why he lives in a construction zone.

OK TAOA, the BSG hereby declares you unfit to manage your own romantic life and he requires you to do the following:

1.       Matt in the UK: call him (emailing is tacky, even for exclusively online relationships. If you’ve never actually spoken live and he’s asking you to come to the UK to live with him, the BSG doesn’t even have time to rant about that.) and tell him that you think he’s a great guy, but that you’re already engaged (no need to mention the other men you’re juggling unless he pushes) and so are breaking it off with him. Then break if off with him.

2.       Your fiancé Jay: Break up with him. The BSG already realizes that you tend toward wishy-washiness and he believes this will result in you sitting at your kitchen table after ten miserable years (for you and Jay both), telling your best friend (as Lucy would tell Ethel at the kitchen table) that you never believed Jay was the “one”. Don’t wait to be miserable; you and Jay are done.

3.       Not-Completely-Honest-Mark: Be completely honest with him. You’re engaged, you’re seeing several other people, tell him everything. Not-Completely-Honest-Mark, if he’s like many not-completely-honest people, will freak out at the idea of your dishonesty and will flee. He’s the lucky one so far.

4.       New Guy Kaz: You’re not going to date Kaz. The BSG doesn’t care how much you both want to date. Don’t you SEE the construction site you live in because of all these other projects?

5.       Your good friend who has feelings for you: Geez TAOA don’t make the BSG come over there.  Tell him you’re happy to have him as a friend, but that you’re not interested. Then be sure you’re not sending him mixed signals because the BSG doesn’t think you can be trusted not to entice men into dating you.

TAOA the BSG has great compassion for you and is pleased that you (finally) recognized that things had gotten a little out of control, but he also believes that sometimes firm boundaries have to be set. SET them. The BSG thinks that the best thing that can happen to you for awhile is to be completely unencumbered by relationships so you can learn how this got so out of hand.

The BSG is also concerned for the karmic debt you’re incurring by keeping all these men on the leash. If this were a home improvement advice column, the BSG would have you give away all your tools and learn to live happily in your home as it is before you picked up a hammer again and started breaking things.

~BSG~

Tags: Honesty, love triangle, Online Dating

We’re Not in Kansas Anymore

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  4yr relationship ends badly.

Curiosity leads to online dating.  Met some dudes.  Some great dudes. One seemingly particularly great dude.

Six months of heaven with awesome online dude ends suddenly, with a no-show and severed contact.  No, he was not hospitalized or dead in a ditch, just an asshole.  A 35yr old asshole with kids.

In my dismayed idiocy, I on the one hand contacted a previous great dude, and on the other ran headlong into the arms of a good friend who had professed love for me.  Kill me.  Kill me now.

I have no trust or optimism for a long term relationship right now.  I thought our friendship could bridge that, it can’t.  I need a break.  Or at least, I’m back to needing that break from serious that I never really took.  Long time friend = instant serious.  Sigh.

Dude #2 from online is many wonderful things including very sexy.  I will have a hard time putting that down to take a break especially since *I* initiated the contact…  but if something meaningful grows between us it would be so hurtful to my friend, who is also many wonderful things and is, well, my friend…

OPTIONS:  do I have to ditch both of them and play the asshole card twice (I know, I know, I already did.)?   Do I let down my friend and see what happens with online dude?  If things develop with online dude, do I just hope my friend’s feelings change??  Ugh. ~Disgusted With Myself~

Dear DWM: Gracious, you DO need a break! OK, the Bitter Single Guy is glad you wrote him…triage is required when there are as many bleeders as you have going on here. Let’s divide and conquer shall we, DWM?

Friend Who Is Now Serious: Here’s how you’ll break it off (and you must break it off). You’ll invite him for coffee (the BSG does not recommend alcohol) at a place that is public but provides sufficient privacy for a conversation and sufficient proximity to a door for him to stalk out angrily without breaking anything. This is his right.

At the coffee shop, acknowledge that you turned to him in your heartbroken despair because you knew he was safe and because you knew he had feelings for you. Acknowledge that you were inconsiderate of his feelings and that you realize you have seriously damaged your friendship with him. Your reason for talking about all of this up front is that no amount of mewling and whining about your fragile state will prevent him from coming to these exact conclusions once he’s stalked out of the coffee shop. If you admit and acknowledge your errors, the BSG thinks you’re much more likely to save your friendship.

Online Dude #2: Similarly meet Online Dude #2 at a coffee shop, but the BSG recommends switching coffee shops so the employees don’t think you’re some compulsive breakup person. At coffee with Online Dude #2, tell him that you find him ridiculously sexy and friendly, but that you realize that you’ve created a bit of a relationship morass between your recently ended relationships and the ones you’re managing now (the BSG really hopes you didn’t tell him you were exclusive). Tell him that you’d like to call him in a month once you have a chance to clear your head.

If Online Dude #2 is interested, then truly don’t call him for a month and after that the BSG recommends taking it somewhat slowly.

Overall DWM, you and the BSG seem to have come to the same conclusion. You were in whirlwind of rebound relationships that resembled Dorothy in the tornado. Naturally, when things get that out of control it’s time to sit the hell down and stop the madness. Stop the madness, DWM. ~BSG~

Tags: breakup, Online Dating