The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

Looking at porn is normal

Hey, BSG: To put it simply the girl I’ve been seeing for the past year is an angel. She’s so nice, friendly, beautiful and sweet… I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her. My problem is that I have a tendency to mess it all up… a few months ago she caught me looking at porn.

She sees it as cheating (I don’t blame her to be honest. If roles were reversed I’d have a hard time letting it slide too). Needless to say trust was broken and now we have fights that get really heated to the point of yelling, cursing and wishing horrible things upon the other person. Anyway I did it again recently and it almost obliterated the relationship… I don’t know why I do this. I really want to be the man she deserves. I know I don’t do it because of her looks because she is flawless in my eyes.

I guess I just need a bit of guidance… or a smack around the head… or both. thanks. ~Wants to Make It Right~

Dear WMIR: The Bitter Single Guy has both some guidance and a smack in the head and because it’s just more fun, let’s start with the smack shall we?

Dude, the BSG is like, what?! PORN counts as cheating in your relationship? Really? Short version: you’re doomed.

The BSG gets annoyed by our prudish society sometimes and this is one of those times. Here’s the news, WMIR: everyone looks at porn, even those who say they don’t. Do you think people want faster and faster internet connections to be able to read their church bulletin faster? Nope. Porn.

Now, the BSG needs to put a proviso here that he is adamantly freakishly angrily opposed to porn that victimizes anyone who is not a consenting adult. The exact age this is OK varies by state and it’s a slippery slope down which the BSG won’t travel.

But that aside, it’s normal and has been normal for a very long time. Do you think there weren’t plenty of folks in the Renaissance who were turned on by all those paintings of curvy women lying on couches? Porn. What happens when it’s thought of as cheating and abnormal? People do it in dark scary places and religious leaders end up being hidden perverts.

Ok that’s the smack around the head, WMIR. Porn is normal and both you and your girlfriend are overreacting to it. Add that to the fact that you apparently can’t keep yourself from looking at it (caught twice? The BSG wants you to look at porn during more private times unless getting caught is exciting to you).

So here’s the guidance. The BSG wants you to go to your favorite search engine and type in “Is looking at porn normal?” When you get to an article by a doctor or therapist, print it and talk with your girlfriend about it. And by the way WMIR, porn is normal for BOTH of you. If you’re going to be freaked out by your Angelic Girlfriend having a healthy sex drive, then you’re in for a long list of failed relationships…particularly as you get older (the BSG is going to guess you’re under 25). Have a conversation about the fact that your choice of looking at porn when she’s around was a poor one, but that it’s NOT cheating.

The BSG hopes that the two of you can lighten the hell up and get used to the fact that porn is normal and sometimes it’s gosh-darned fun. ~BSG~

Is My Girlfriend in the Closet?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating this girl off and on for about three years. About 4 months ago we decided to begin a committed relationship. Soon she moved in with me. One day I was backing up info from her cell phone onto the computer (with her permission of course), and there were two video clips of two different women masturbating. I immediately asked her about this and her reply was “I thought there were guys on there with the women when I downloaded them.” My response was “Then why are they still on your phone if they were not what you wanted?” I then let it go.

Fast forward to last week…I was on my home computer checking the internet history for a site I was previously on but could remember the exact address. That is when I discovered a bunch of girl on girl porn. I was immediately angry! I asked her if she likes girls and she flat out denied it, until I confronted her about the porn. I came at her in a way that made it seem like I was ok with it. Just so she would open up about it and be truthful. She admitted her attraction to women, but said she has never done anything sexually another girl. I’m not convinced since she already lied about the subject. I have and know many men fantasize about threesomes and things like that. I’m not interested in doing that with someone I want to build a future with. I don’t want to come home unexpectedly and find her in bed with a chick or anybody else besides me. Your thoughts? ~Looking Up “Cuckold”~

Dear LUC: The Bitter Single Guy applauds your handling of the issue with your girlfriend. Although it was vaguely sneaky to appear to be OK with girl-on-girl action in order to get her to open up to you (so to speak), the BSG doesn’t have a problem with that level of sneakiness.

This is a tough one LUC, and mostly it’s about what you’re willing to live with. The BSG believes (as many folks do) that sexual orientation and attraction is on a continuum with totally homo on one side and totally hetero on the other side. In practice, the BSG thinks that more folks are somewhere in the middle than are usually willing to admit it. This means that the BSG thinks that every now and then a hetero guy will get a tingle for his frat brother after a few beers, and a homo guy will sometimes get a tingle for a Hooters Girl (beer is often involved in these encounters, the BSG thinks), and (this is where you come in LUC) sometimes a mostly hetero girl will get off on some girl-on-girl action, and so on. The BSG doesn’t necessarily think this means that your girlfriend is in the closet (although that is always a possibility), though.

Here’s the question, LUC: how would you feel about your girlfriend looking at straight porn? If you don’t mind her having some occasional eye candy, why does it matter whether it’s boys or girls (assuming, as the BSG is, that your sex life is appropriately active and festive)? The real issue is whether her looking at girl-on-girl porn, or guy-on-girl porn or (oddly) guy-on-guy porn, will result in her compromising the commitment she has to you. Bottom line: if she’s screwing around it doesn’t really matter (to the BSG) if it’s with a guy or a girl, she’s breaking her commitment to you and that’s the issue here.

If It’s Just Porn, well then you need to decide whether the idea of her getting off (yes, the BSG said it…you were all thinking it) to girls sometimes and boys (namely you) sometimes is something you can handle or if you want a girlfriend who’s porn activities will be limited to people with penises.

~BSG~

Boyfriend Loves Porn More Than Me

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together nearly five years now.  We had a normal, active sex life for a few years.  The last year or so, our sex life (we’re in our late 20s) has dwindled to maybe twice a month.  I work part time during the day because I have a young son, and he looks at porn before I get home, or hurries to do it when I leave to go to the store or something.  We got in an argument once about it, and he admitted to me that he’s not attracted to me anymore because I’ve gained weight.  I HAVE gained weight, and I respect his comment that he’s maybe not as attracted to me as he once was.  I’m working on changing that issue, yet he seems so unwilling to compromise on his issue.  I’ve told him I don’t like how often he looks at porn, but it always leads to a fight, which is then “forgotten” or he is mad that I’m still upset.  We never get to the issue.  I don’t have a problem with porn in and of itself.  Even I look sometimes.  My issue lies with how I feel when he hurries to do it when I’m at work or when I leave, yet we never have sex.  I feel frustrated and hideously unattractive.  I’m not sure if it’s the lack of attraction to me, or if that’s simply an excuse.  He works nights, and even wakes up after just a few hours to look at it while I’m gone (well, maybe not TO look at it, but it happens).  He then is tired and sleeps all evening before work.  I’m mentally exhausted and just don’t know what to do.  He’s constantly telling me he loves me, and about how we’ll get married and get a house like we’ve always wanted.  I feel like I’m not justified in being upset, yet I AM upset. ~Competing With Porn~

Dear CWP: The Bitter Single Guy applauds all the work you’ve obviously done to become so accepting of things you can’t control! Respecting Porn Boy’s comments about your weight gain is very evolved, but the BSG thinks that the real issue here is that you can’t intellectualize away your feeling of upset. Well, duh.

CWP you have every right to be upset and the BSG recommends fully embracing your upset in order to figure out what to DO about it. Yes CWP, action is required here. The BSG wants to put the porn issue aside, because he doesn’t think that’s the problem. The problem is that Porn Boy, with whom you’re apparently planning a marriage and life together, isn’t attracted to you and you find that you’re not quite done with sex.

The BSG thinks the idea of spending the next 60 years or so without sex is definitely cause for upset. Here are some options:

·         Lose weight. The BSG knows it may be perceived as insensitive by some of his readers, but he is committed to being truthful. IF your Porn Boy found you attractive when you weighed less and IF you want him to be attracted to you again, getting back to the weight you were when he WAS attracted to you is a logical step.

·         Open your relationship and find a man who likes heavier women. Girlfriend, whether you’ve put on a pound or a kilo, there are men (and women for that matter) who will think you’re the sexiest thing walking. The BSG isn’t a fan of open relationships because he thinks they lead to heartbreak more often than not, but if the goal is an active sex life and a lasting relationship with your Porn Boy, this IS an option.

·         Dump Porn Boy and find a relationship with a man who finds you sexy in all your incarnations.

CWP, note that in all these choices YOU are the one who has to take action. You can’t expect Porn Boy to do anything differently because he’s probably getting what he wants. He’s got tons of internet hotties all times of the day and night and once or twice a month he’s got you. You’re the one who’s unsatisfied (in several ways), so you’re the one who has to act. ~BSG~