The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Know When It’s Time to Get Out

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I love your column! I just found your website and I just had to write. I’ll try to break this all down to be quick and simple, although it is quite complicated. (At least to me anyway).

I began dating a guy from work about 5 years ago and we work in separate locations so we don’t see each other daily. We’ve had many ups and downs. He has been unfaithful during our “off and on” relationship. I don’t see it as off and on. He would do something stupid like say “I’ll be over in 30 minutes to pick you up for dinner” and then show up 1 1/2 hours later saying he was late and “grabbed a bite to eat”. (Because of free food at a local salsa club). I would get angry and he would not call me for a week or so. Things like that happen often. I met his kids after 3 years of dating although he has met mine and been to my house frequently. Spends the night and has dinner with my family, etc. I cannot go to his home because he lives with his mother and grown brother and the house is a “wreck” so he says. I have been to his home a few times and it was filthy and in a bad neighborhood. He does something to make me upset, then uses me being upset as a reason to not talk to me and let me cool down. It is a game with him. I really need to let go but I don’t know how. What is wrong with me? Why am I so attached to him? He told me a couple of years ago that he wanted to wait until his kids graduated high school to get into a serious relationship with me. I consider it serious and he doesn’t. His kids are graduating this year and now he says he wants to wait until they graduate from college! What?!? Also, he is very close with his ex-girlfriend’s 18 year old daughter. He does so much for her. He pretty much treats her like his own although she lives 1 hour away. He has said that when he buys a house, her and his biological son will move into the house together. I’m nowhere in that equation. Me or my sons are not mentioned.

Through all of this I found out two months ago that I was pregnant. I told him and he immediately said to get an abortion. He then began to distance himself. I mentioned keeping the baby and he flipped out. Yelled, screamed and said things like “what the f*** is wrong with you”! , “did you think I would marry you?” “I won’t pick up that kid on weekends”, and “call me in 9 months and tell me how much f****ng money I have to pay you each month”.

Needless to say the stress of the situation persuaded me to have an abortion. I made that choice for several reasons. Some many say I was being selfish. I don’t know. I guess I thought for the most part that I would clear things up with him and that he would believe me that I didn’t plan to get pregnant. It was an accident. I had complication after the abortion and was sick for almost a month. During that time he was distant. After I began feeling better he continued to be distant. He said that we need to have a “talk”. He has done this before and ends up coming around and says things like “why can’t I stay away from you?” I told him that I want a normal relationship (he had said many times that he is “abnormal” and incapable of being in a normal relationship), and he responded with “we cannot have a normal relationship because of MY personality”. I was floored. I have bent over backwards to be the ideal girlfriend to him. I am tolerant, forgiving, kind, accommodating, and most of all show him love. He is quite cold emotionally and takes nothing in life seriously. He procrastinates, doesn’t finish things he starts and is non-committal about lots of things in life. I would label him as a sociopath but I do not have a degree in psychology to back me on that. I love him and I feel he doesn’t truly love me. I am lonely and sad. I want so badly to have a normal boyfriend. I have invested 5+ years with this person and there have been many good times. I just don’t think things will ever progress and the way he acts by being hot and cold to me is damaging to my self-esteem. It affects me physically and emotionally. I could write so much more but I’m trying to summarize it all here. I keep thinking that things will get better and know that relationships take time to mature. Things have progressed but extremely slowly. That has to be abnormal. Thank you for any advice you have for me. I will take it to heart and make changes in my relationship with this person. ~Frantic For Help~

• Why are you in this relationship? You’ve invested 5 years? If you invested in stock that continually lost money year after year after year, how long before you’d finally sell it? If you bought a lamp that you liked at first, but as your home changed, the lamp just didn’t look right, how long would you keep that lamp? Get out.
• You say “I love him and feel he doesn’t truly love me.” What information do you need beyond this? Get out.
• You want a normal relationship but he admits he’s not able to provide that? This is like you going to a deli and saying that you want turkey and all they have is ham. Find another deli. Get out.
• He’s making plans for a future that doesn’t seem to include you and you are doing nothing but planning for your future with him. This is whack.  Get out.
• Free food at a local salsa club caused him to be an hour late to meet you? Is he kidding you and the BSG with this ridiculous and insulting lie? Get out.
• Get out get out get out get out.

FFH, this dude will not ever end this damaged relationship…why would he, when it seems to work out fine for him? You have to set a boundary. Not on-again-off-again. Off. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life above the experience of being single. If being in a relationship isn’t better than being single…you guessed it…get out.

Find a friend or counselor or therapist who can help you understand how you got into this and can help you grieve the loss of the relationship. Regardless of how right the decision to breakup is, it will still require a time of grieving. Make room for yourself also to grieve the loss of your baby; the BSG recommends finding someone to help you with that, too.  Good luck FFH. ~BSG~

Get a Lawyer and a Therapist. Now.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have had two really serious relationships in my life. The kind that you are certain will last for life. There were plenty of others but whose two were certainly different. They both got married this summer (not to each other) and that drove me to some great depressions and drinking.

I was put into rehab and finished with great success. There is a comeback group that visits the hospital weekly to talk to current patients about treatment and what life is like afterwards. This is where I met a wonderful woman. When she got out we started hanging out more and more. It started as support and then one night led to a lot more. Two days later her roommate found her cutting herself in an apparent suicide attempt.

This scared me so much that I constantly make myself available to her so that she doesn’t do it again.

Now, she can’t find a job anywhere and has started working as a stripper. I have taken her all around town many times to find something else but no one seems to be hiring. At first she had great anxiety and depression dealing with this new occupation. It completely consumed her. For an hour or two before and after work she isn’t really there, you know? Just a lost soul it seems. She is becoming destroyed.  I can’t convince her to not do it because she has to work.

To make matters worse, she now is pregnant. She swears it has to be mine and I’ve made it very clear to her that we will have to get a paternity test if she decides to keep it. I have expressed nothing but complete support for her no matter what she decides.  She would want to get married if she were to keep it. I am open to that idea if she is willing to sign a very extensive prenuptial. And she said that she was totally for that.

I have the gut feeling that nothing good can come from any of this but she continues to agree and re-assure me on every precaution that I can take. Right?

I figure I only have two ways to go?

1. I could just fuck it all and run. If she proves paternity then I will pay child support and likely have to take over custody if she doesn’t change her path. Looking out for number one? This seems to be the smarter less compassionate approach that will only leave me with MASSIVE regret if the worst happens.
2. Or keep the status quo? Using more of my heart than my brain. Stick with it until she decides. If she keeps it then I’ll cross that bridge. If she doesn’t then… I just don’t know.

Advice? ~Up The Creek~

Dear UTC: The Bitter Single Guy, as a non-therapist who writes exclusively for entertainment, usually stays away from letters like yours because frankly it’s messy territory. That said, the BSG can’t leave you hanging.

Dude, Option #3 is that you need a therapist and a lawyer.

NOW.

Your girlfriend also needs a therapist and the BSG is surprised that whoever is managing this comeback program is supportive of your involvement together. You have blurred the lines between a romantic relationship and caretaker and recovery from that is problematic.

Because the BSG is neither a therapist nor a lawyer he’ll refrain from telling you that in your situation you should have avoided new involvements at all costs. Really UTC…a therapist and a lawyer. Now. ~BSG~