The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Trust Issues

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Recently my boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me because I have trust issues and because of these issues we fought all the time. He never did anything for me not to trust him. All of these issues all come from my past, I had boyfriends who cheated on me and abused me and even threatened my life. He never did any of these things and treated me the way every woman should be treated and yet I still had problems trusting him completely. I know for a fact that if I didn’t have this major problem that we would still be together. I want to get back with him and I heard from mutual friends that he still wants to be with me but he can’t stand all the “drama” that this brings to our relationship. I was curious on if you had any advice on how I can fix this and get over everything? ~Eternally Suspicious~

Dear ES: Short answer: get counseling. If you know the problem, can’t fix the problem yourself, and the problem is killing your relationship then it’s time for professional help. Don’t wait until you’ve mowed through three or four good relationships to get help.

Probably if your ex knew you were working on fixing this you’d be able to get him back?

~BSG~

Co-Dependents In Love

Dear Readers: most of you graciously take pity on the BSG’s time by limiting your anguish to a couple of succinct paragraphs, but occasionally a letter comes in that needs to be shared in its entirety. Read, skim or just skip to the bottom for some tough love, BSG style.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My Girlfriend and I had been going out for almost 5 years, a very long time considering we started in 8th grade, and kept going through high school. She was attracted to me in the beginning because i was a stable human being, and she was less stable. She had had some very bad experiences in her past, including a rape. When she was 13, she was raped by her 21 year old cousin (this becomes important later). Her memories of this event have shifted from it being consensual, to it being non consensual, and anywhere in between. The rape was reported in our 8th grade year, around the time she got attached to me, and was set for December the following year. In our 8th grade year, we made the mistake of falling in love. She fell before I did, probably due to the fact that I was the one stable thing in her life.

About 2 months into our freshman year of high school, and 11 months into our relationship, she broke up with me, because she needed space. It was not for another month that I had learned she had been unfaithful with a drug addicted junior who was not good for her at all. She quickly realized her mistake.WE stayed broken up for the better part of 4 months, and over this time, the trial for her cousin was held in NYC. He was a member of the Army, so he was dishonorably discharged and Sentenced to 4 years in Medium security prison. I deeply regret not being with her over this time, as it was one of the most trying times in her young life. in February of 2006, we got back together after I talked her down from suicide, despite efforts by my parents to persuade me otherwise. I did not listen; I was in love (I had remained single over the 4 months).

The next 4 years were heavenly. I lost my virginity to her, we continually talked about how deeply in love we were, and about how great the rest of our lives were going to be together. Some may have thought of us as just young morons who were playing with fire, but what relationship lasts 5 years in public school? Even our parents admitted there was something special.

Then, sometime in 2008, I am not sure when, Her cousin got out of prison. She had lied in court about some of the events to protect him, and he only got a 4 year sentence, but got out early on good behavior. This was at a time when she “knew” it was a non-consensual rape. She was distraught, and began having nightmares about him killing me as I slept next to her. She was still a minor at the time, so contact was prohibited, for the moment.

Also around this time, a friend of my family’s moved into my house. He was the same age as her cousin, and was also a military man. This may have led to some of the events that transpired later on. She never had sex with him, but cornered him a few times, trying to persuade him to have sex with her. He was a good friend though, and told her to back off. Talking about it later, she said that “It was like she was watching herself” and had no control over the situation. He came to me, and told me what was happening. I broke up with her that night, but she started breaking down. I took her back in less than 10 minutes, again, to my parents dismay.

Our relationship had been eventless for a few months, and over that time, she turned 18. Guess who can contact her now? We finished out our High School careers in deep love, and I even turned down a substantial scholarship offer from a school, so I could stay in town and be with her. When I say substantial, i mean more than 50k.

A week before our first summer semester of college started, she moved out of her house, and into student housing. I stayed at home, because it was cheaper. After she moved out, she stopped talking to me. COMPLETELY. We had just spent the night in the same bed 2 days before, which was, I thought, the most binding experience ever. We saw each other that friday when we went bowling with friends. she told me that she had contacted her cousin, but only for “closure.” I am an over-protective boyfriend, due to my trust issues with her in the past. I was not happy about this at all, but her reason seemed ok. I shrugged it off. The night before Summer B started, I took her out to see a movie she had been wanting to see. I could tell something had changed. She wouldn’t cuddle next to me in the theater, even though she was noticeably cold. Needless to say, this bothered me, because, I will be honest, I had bought a ring. THE ring.

4 days into college, she broke up with me, the reason at the time was that I was too over bearing and would not let her live, and that I didn’t care enough, and did not make enough of an effort to spend time with her. Seems contradictory, doesn’t it?

 I went to her apartment the next day to talk to her in person. We had a long conversation, and somehow it got around to her cousin. She told me that she had been in love with her cousin the entire time we were together. I KNEW this was not true. I had been there when she had nightmares, I have seen her have panic attacks around men in uniform, and she made me swear I would protect her from him. I was astonished… and it got worse. She told me she planned to fly to the west coast at the end of the semester to go see him. We live on the east coast. I was absolutely stunned by this, and told her that if she set foot on that plane, she would never see me again. Not as a friend, not as a boyfriend, not as anything. She will have lost me forever. I asked her, knowing that, if she had to choose right now, what would she do? She said she would go. I heard the toilet flush as the last 5 years of my life went down the drain.

She made me promise not to tell her mom, and I told her I wouldn’t. That night, however, I did tell her mom. I did it in her best interest, even though she told me not to. Her mom was not happy. She talked to her, and told her that if she flew there, she would pull all financial support from her, and move away. Not exactly the desired affect, because guess who this reaction gets blamed on? Me.

I have since dedicated myself to trying to get her back, to get her to realize that I love her more than anyone else can. I left presents outside her door on the way to class to show her I really DO care deeply for her, and she has started talking to me again. She won’t fully take me back though, because she doesn’t trust me enough not to go to her mom. She still says she loves me, but i do not know if this is just a way to keep me around long enough to make her feel good, since her family has all but abandoned her. I’m taking her to a movie in 2 days.

Should I even bother trying to repair what we have? Or should I just walk away, and be miserable for a while? I love her so much, and I know that if she goes to him on the west coast, it will be the worst mistake of her life, and she has so much ahead of her. I don’t want to lose her… She has been my best friend and my companion. I love her more than I love life itself, and it would crush me to lose her. But at the same time, if she is heading down a road of destruction, I need to get the hell out as soon as possible, don’t I? I just don’t know what to do… It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Please help, I can give more info if necessary. ~Going Round in Circles~

Dear GRIC: The Bitter Single Guy wants to start by telling you that he’s sorry for you and that you’re obviously in distress or you wouldn’t have written so much detail to the BSG. Please imagine that you feel the BSG giving you a manly bro-hug and patting you on the back in a comforting fashion (pat, pat, pat).

But GRIC, you’ve gotten the BSG all riled up now so it’s time for some tough love. Strap yourself in, this could be a bumpy ride.

1. If you read no further, at least read this. Get professional help. You GRIC, today. Find a therapist. Both of you desperately need therapy, but neither you nor the BSG can control what your girlfriend does (more on that in a moment). The BSG suspects that you believe that the problem is all on her side, but he is here to tell you that your willingness to get back on this emotional roller coaster again and again indicates clearly that breaking the cycle of madness here is out of your hands. You’ve dedicated yourself to getting her back? Really? Seriously dude. Get. Professional. Help. Now. If you go to college, there is undoubtedly a counseling center on campus. Make an appointment tomorrow; the BSG is SO not kidding about this. You do not have a future with this girl until both of you work this out. Of course, since she’s getting ready to board a plane for the west coast, your future together is pretty much screwed anyway, the BSG thinks.
2. The best thing you can do for your girlfriend is convince her to talk to a therapist. Let the BSG clarify again that you cannot give her the support and advice she needs right now, you’re too much a part of this mess to be objective or helpful. More clearly: you are bad for her right now. Disengage.
3. This relationship is FUBAR. The two of you are so freaking co-dependent that you wallow in each other’s pain and misery simply because you don’t have any other way of relating. You are not her therapist, it’s not your job to save her, it’s not your job to tell her how to react to her cousin or define her relationship with him. Not. Your. Job. Did the BSG mention that you need to get therapy? Today, GRIC. The only reason you should stop reading now is to make that appointment. Otherwise…
4. The BSG admits this particular rant is for more people than just you, but since he’s in the groove it’s coming your way. Are you really telling the BSG that you owe it to yourself and your girlfriend to stay in this relationship simply because you’ve been doing it for 5 years? Try this on for size, GRIC: “Gosh, this house isn’t really big enough for our family anymore, but since we’ve already lived here 5 years, I’m thinking we should stay.” “Heck, I’ve been in college for 4 years and although they’re going to give me a degree, since I’ve got 4 years invested, it seems like I should just stay.” Or the BSG’s favorite, “Gosh, I’ve paid my debt to society and they’re letting me out of jail but with all this time invested, I should probably stay longer to see it through.” Do you see through the BSG’s thinly veiled sarcasm here? Just because you’ve spent 5 hellish years in a FUBAR dysfunctional codependent relationship doesn’t mean you should consider investing further in it! Geez GRIC, are you kidding the BSG?
5. GRIC the BSG isn’t ever one to tell anyone that their love isn’t real, but he is one to tell you what’s true . You are simply not the same person you were in 8th grade and neither is your girlfriend. Furthermore, neither of you will be the same people in another 5 years that you are now. It sounds to the BSG that you’ve managed to squeak 5 years out of this relationship because you’re both so freaking co-dependent, not because your relationship is healthy and special. Your (and your girlfriend’s) development as human beings means that you will develop different outlooks on the world as you enter your later teens and twenties. Refer to #4…putting in the time isnt a good enough reason to keep putting up with this drama.

OK GRIC, the BSG is going to stop there, but let him assure you he could go on. Again, if you take nothing from this but #1, get yourself to the counseling center at your school and explain to some nice counselor what you explained to the BSG. Good luck.

~BSG~

There Must Be SOMEthing I Can Do!

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half, we are both in college and go to school in different states, but the distance was never a problem. I tried to visit her as much as I could and every time I saw her it was nice and we had a lot of fun. Two weeks after I got back things got rocky. And we tried to work them out, but she came to a conclusion that she wants to break up, she said she wanted to “experience new things”. I’m still not sure what she means. She said she wanted to be “single for a while”. I have been trying to move on for some time now it has been about 2 months and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I have the same dream with her in it every night. I miss everything about her, her smell her touch, her voice, her smile. I think what we had was something special, and at one point we both thought that, she had said it many times. She said that “what we have is rare and only comes along once” so I don’t understand why she broke up with me.

I would like to think I was a good boy friend. I sent her a message every morning saying “have a great day! I love you” and every night “Have sweet dreams”. I wrote poems, sent her little gifts just because. When we were going out her friends boyfriends would get mad at me because of the nice things I did. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. I like cuddling more than anything sexual. I tried to make her laugh when ever I could. I loved her with all my heart.

Now she seems like she is happy without me, and I don’t believe that she could have gotten over what we had so quickly. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back because I believe we are meant to be together. So I am asking if there is anything I can do to get her back? Or to get a second chance?

If you could help me that would help me so unbelievably much. It would get back a piece of I’m missing. ~Broken Hearted~

Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy wishes he was there to give you the big hug that you obviously need and to pat you on the back in a comforting way (pat-pat-pat).

Yours is the classic story of being dumped; there’s no other way to describe it. Although it’s certainly of little comfort, the BSG assures you that everyone else who’s out there in Dating Land has felt what you feel today (including the BSG).  Here are some key points:

·         Your main question is how to get her back. Buck up, BH…you can’t have her back. Yes, it’s possible that she could spend some time out there in the big world then decide that you were the best boyfriend ever and come sniveling back into your arms, but if it’s already been two months the BSG thinks it’s unlikely. You’ve been dumped…accept it.

·         You don’t know how she could have moved on so quickly? It’s because she actually started moving on several months ago. It’s not easy being the Dumpee, but it’s also pretty brutal being the Dumper. The BSG is pretty sure that your Departed Damsel thought a lot about breaking up with you before she actually did it. So the reason that Departed Damsel seems so well adjusted is that the last part of her adjustment was the breakup, even though it was only the first part for you.

·         You’re dreaming of her every night? BH you’re breaking the BSG’s heart here! Know that grieving for something lost is a necessary and healthy process that you simply have to go through. You’ll be sad, you’ll have bad dreams (when you can sleep), you’ll be lethargic and generally not very much fun to be around. But believe the BSG when he tells you that it will get better. That said, if you start losing weight because you’re not eating, or if you can’t seem to get yourself out of the house for more than a few days at a time, the BSG strongly recommends seeking professional help to get you through this.  But again…you will get through this.

·         Departed Damsel told you she wants to be single for awhile? Ouch, BH. The BSG knows (as his readers do) what it’s like to be told that she’d rather be with no one than be with you. Here comes the tough message BH, so brace yourself. The BSG doesn’t think Departed Damsel actually wants to be single. He thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. For that reason, don’t be shocked if Departed Damsel suddenly starts seeing someone else in the next short while.

You see BH, the problem is that while you were deliriously happy in your relationship, Departed Damsel wasn’t. There was something missing for her and she likely spent part of the time you were together trying to get that need filled (whatever it was). None of this is easy to hear BH, but it’s what getting dumped is all about.

OK now it’s time for a little tough love BH. The BSG doesn’t know the details, so he can only respond to what’s in your letter and there’s one little section that concerns him. You sent daily notes of love and encouragement, never forgot an important date, wrote poems, and liked cuddling more than sex? While that seems right out off the Good Boyfriend Manual, the BSG and you both know that sometimes we can have too much of a good thing. BH the BSG wants you to think about whether you were a little smothering in your care and attention? Honestly, the BSG didn’t have any concerns until the ‘cuddling more than sex’ part, because you know…sex is pretty important to lots of people. Like he said, the BSG doesn’t know the details, so just wants you to think objectively about that.

BH, take care of yourself and let your friends be there for you and he promises that one day you’ll wake up and not feel like you’ve been stomped on. ~BSG~

Trying to Help Her Get Professional Help

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m 24 and male. I’m currently in a somewhat defunct relationship. She loves me and is aware that I don’t love her as much as she loves me. I’m trying to help her with her emotional needs, as well as trying to get her to a psychologist/psychiatrist for medication. Also, I’m helping her with physical needs, she’s overweight and I think it would be beneficial to have somewhat to help her lose weight. All of the aforementioned is mutually understood, not mutually accepted, but understood.

The curveball is that I love, truly head over heels, want nothing more that to be with someone else. I’ve known both since high school, they thankfully don’t know each other. I’ve just recently gotten back in contact with girl number 2. She just got into a relationship, that’s all I’m privy to. I wish to pursue her, but don’t want to abandon the first girl. Any outside opinions would be gratefully appreciated. ~Tired of Caretaking~

Dear TOC: The Bitter Single Guy is going to do what you’re apparently unwilling to do for yourself: he’s going to let you off the hook.  You’re done with Girl #1, TOC. As her boyfriend, you’re not responsible for her mental health, her self-esteem or her weight issues (assuming they are actually her issues and not yours).  You should, as you have, encourage her to get help, and the BSG suspects that you’ll care enough for her in the future to continue to advocate for her to build a better life (whatever that means for her).  Who knows TOC, getting rid of you may be the best thing that could possibly happen to Girl #1!

So to reiterate: you’re done.  Break up with her gently, not because she’s overweight and has emotional needs, but because you’re not in love with her. You definitely owe her that truth and if you take the easy road by telling her something cheesy like ’you are going to give her the space she needs to resolve her issues’, the BSG hopes bad relationship karma will hunt you down like the dog you would be.  Thankfully, he’s sure that won’t happen and that you’ll be honest.

As far as Girl #2 is concerned, it sounds like she’s in a relationship with someone else, yes? The BSG thinks this all sounds like you’re going to find yourself single for a little while TOC. Based on your recent experience in caretaking, he thinks this is probably a good thing.

~BSG~

Ditched by a Runner

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m interested in your take on my recent situation, which is, for the most part resolved in my head, but still leaves a bitter taste (no offense intended).

I have been single some time, actually a few years, but not been totally desperate, just happy in my singledome. I find myself disappointed often and frequently, as if I’m chasing an illusion. So about a month of platonic dating has been about my limit. That adds up to an awful long time of celibacy. Then recently against my better instincts, I met a guy who has shown an interest before, then disappeared off the scene, then turned up again and asked me out. We had quite a pleasant few dates and things progressed… 

I reached my one month marker and had a few nightmares (literally) about all this new found intimacy – and also about why have I set my sights so low. Out of about 30 admirable qualities in a potential love interest, this guy scored fairly low, around a 10, being generous. But we seemed to get on okay so I withheld my misgivings and shed my aspirations. I had daily long phone calls from him talking about the tedium of his life, which actually appealed to me not in the slightest, but I tolerated it, being all new to coupledome and so forth.

Then after a particularly quite lovely night I had a long phone call from him the next day that was less usual. Instead of mulling over his day, he went into a great monologue about where he’s at now, and lamenting the loss of his ex-partner, from a few months before, and his fluctuating emotions. He kept saying it was like going cold turkey and being on heroin, not that he knew, but just what he imagined it would be like, and, in all, it was just about the crappiest load of drivel possible. I felt like saying ‘get a life’ but don’t think that would have been appreciated.

Anyway, since then, nothing at all. No texts or calls or long night time mulling over the day. And he has totally disappeared from our shared social scene. I know he was an ass, but he was the first ass I have kissed for some time. And it does bug me that he left before I left him, because of course, all his faults, never finishing a sentence and all that, would have driven me to distraction before long. So why does it still leave that bitter taste? Hoping you can shed light in your inimitable way. ~Slightly Bitter Taste~

Dear SBT: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this is an easy one and he suspects that you already know the answer. This has left you with a bitter taste because he beat you to the punch. You wanted to be the one to reject him, dammit!  How dare he drag you through all the details of his mundane little life, then to drone on and on about his failed relationships! Wah!

The BSG is being a little sarcastic here, SBT. Yes it’s true…you’re bitter because he disappeared before you could dump him. But beyond that the BSG is a little concerned about your willingness to stay involved with someone for whom you seemed to have nothing but contempt! What’s up with that SBT?

The BSG is a fan of occasional periods of celibacy and non-dating, but he also knows that too long a period can lead to a seeming inability to actually make a meaningful connection with another person. SBT the BSG recommends you ask your friends whether you’ve actually been single and celibate too long and if so, get yourself some professional help.

At a minimum, the BSG strongly recommends only dating someone who you actually like a tiny bit. ~BSG~