Torn Between School and Relationship
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a dilemma on my hands. I got out of a bad marriage in 2009. The divorce won’t be final until late 2010. Ex and I have a three year old son together. Needless to say, it has been a rough year, as ex is quite nasty towards me, and I lost my job. There has been a bright spot, however. I began seeing a very nice man last August, and things have been going well. He is a trucker, and to be perfectly honest, when he was out on the road, I had the time to work on finding my subverted self again. It is almost a year later, and he has taken a job so he can be home more often. He gets along with my son great for the most part, although he has shown a little lack of patience with him.
Here is my dilemma: I recently went back to school, and am extremely preoccupied with my studies and being a mom. I have very little time to myself now. I am feeling pulled apart, and worry that with his being around more, I will have even less time. I really care about this man, but I need to make sure I’m making a better life for my son and me. I want to be able to make my own substantial income. After seeing each other for so long, how can I take a step back from this relationship without hurting him? When I broached the subject of not having much time to see him, he immediately brought up his old scars. He says he wants to be a priority, but I know I need to take care of my family first. This man could be the one, but I don’t want to lose myself again, and subject my son to another bad relationship. What do I do? ~Pulled in Too Many Directions~
Dear PTMD: You’ve hit the gist of the problem already and just need to decide what’s more important. The Bitter Single Guy hears you saying that this relationship is important and that this is a Nice Man, you’ve also indicated that you want to feel more secure professionally by advancing your education. PTMD, this is exactly what you think it is…there isn’t any way your Nice Man is going to get as much time as he’s probably used to from you while you’re also studying and raising a 3 year old. This could result in you losing him, you’re correct. Similarly, if you give your time to this man and neglect your studies, any time spent in school won’t amount to a hill of beans because you won’t be able to finish a degree or certification (whatever you’re pursuing).
OK, this is why you come to the BSG, he knows. Other advice columnists will give you wishy-washy answers that leave you with nothing to work with. The BSG is here to stand by you while you make tough decisions. Tell Nice Man that you’re going to do your best, and that he’s important to you, but that you have to stay in school so you can be sure to provide the best future for your son. If Nice Man isn’t prepared for you to put your son before him, then your relationship won’t work anyway, because you’re ALWAYS going to put your son before him (whether he likes it or not…heck, whether YOU like it or not).
Concentrate on your studies, professors won’t allow themselves to be strung along like Nice Man likely will. And comfort yourself after long days with this tidbit: Although Nice Man seems like The One, the BSG believes that most of The Ones are actually The One of Manys (if that makes sense). Short version, if Nice Man bails on your education and child-rearing commitment, there will be another Nice Man. ~BSG~
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