The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Time to Move On

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we live together. Recently there has been a big change. We don’t do “the deed” anymore, never spend time together and have harsher arguments. I tell him I love him every day, but he has said he loves me three times the whole time we’ve been together. I have thought about leaving, but don’t. I don’t know if we should stay together or not. Please help! ~Disillusioned With Love~

Dear DWL: The Bitter Single Guy hates to see love going awry like this, but he wins few friends when he says that he doesn’t think that relationships are ever intended to last forever. Sometimes they’re great, they run their course, and we move on. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but the BSG believes that they are exactly that: exceptions.

Whether your relationship is nearing its end, only you and your Charming Chap can answer, DWL. The BSG recommends having pretty much the same conversation with Charming Chap that you’ve had here with the BSG (and his readers). Let Charming Chap know that while you’ve had a great run, it could be that it’s time to move on and see what his reaction is. You’ll either shock him out of his complacency and he’ll step up to “the deed”, as well as the other things that are important to you in a relationships; or he’ll shrug his shoulders and go back to watching the game, in which case the BSG suggests you develop your exit strategy sooner rather than later.

~BSG~

Did He Break Up With Me?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First I must write that you really aren’t so bitter after all. From your posts I read a lot of well-intentioned wisdom, which has prompted my email. (~Awww…gosh thanks~)

OK, so I’ve been seeing this guy long distance since October 2008. He’s 35, I’m 28, neither of us have been married. I’ve met his entire family, gone to birthday parties, holiday events, etc with him. He recently quit his job to go back to school to pursue another career. I supported this decision. Recently I asked him to come visit me, but got no response. Within the last month he has become quite distant from towards me. Not returning my calls as consistently as he used to, emails, etc. What did I do? Was I wrong to ask him to come see me? Why cold all of a sudden? Should I wait for him to call or call him? Is he done with me?

My parents think he can’t commit to anything, and that’s the reason for his behavior. But I don’t think so. Are some guys lifelong bachelors? He lives with an older brother who is also not married. ~Thinking I’m Single~

Dear TIS: OK, the BSG hopes this ship hasn’t sailed, but it’s so rare that we get to reclaim power in a potential dumpee situation that he thinks you need to act fast. For reference, the BSG is referring to the fact that everyone at some point gets dumped and everyone at some point dumps someone (if you’re in the game, that is). The nature of the dump-er and dump-ee dynamic is that you have more power as the dumper than you do the dumpee. UnLESS you can effect a preemptive dumping and that’s the plan for you TIS.

What helps you in this is that Spineless Jellyfish Man is apparently using the ever-popular breakup-by-proxy approach…which is to say; he’s going to go dark and wait for you to “get the message”. The BSG loves to hear people talk about this as if it’s legitimate. “I stopped calling him two weeks ago, can’t he get the message?” <giggles callously> Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Don’t wait for him to respond to your questions about coming to visit, don’t extend another offer. Do this: Call him and say something like “Since you’ve moved away to school, it seems we’ve grown distant and I’m sensing that our relationship is over for you. I can understand how that can happen. Call me if you want to get together sometime…otherwise good luck.”

This will get his attention, without a doubt. He’ll either act all innocent about his behavior being called out and call you with a bunch of “I NEVER meant that!” talk, or he’ll take the “get out of jail free card” you’ve offered and will simply continue not to communicate.The BSG suspects the former. That’s the way of Spineless Jellyfish Men.

Either way, the power is now yours as the dumper! It won’t feel good…that ship has already sailed…but it will allow the recovery time to be significantly less.

By the way, to your question about whether some men are lifelong bachelors: Sure some are. It’s easy to say it’s because of fear of commitment, but in the BSG’s mind there are a ton of reasons why a person (man or woman) would spend his or her life single. That’s for another post.

~BSG~

Grabbing Him by The Reins

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have recently developed a crush on this guy. We both attend the same college. He’s very sweet, and we seem to have good conversations whenever we get to speak to one another. The only problem is that I’m having a hard time trying to figure out if he likes me or is just being nice. Sometimes it feels as if he really enjoys talking to me and is interested in me but then again, he hasn’t made a move and doesn’t seem to plan on doing so in the near future. I’ve heard that a guy just isn’t interested if he hasn’t made the first move no matter how shy he may be. What do you think? ~Ready for the Next Move~

Dear RFNM: Firstly the Bitter Single Guy wants to say that there is no rule that applies to all guys (not girls though…they’re really straightforward and easy to figure out). That said, it’s usually a good rule of thumb to believe that if a guy (or girl) likes you then he’ll actually make some move in that direction. Otherwise, you have either a guy who is really wishy-washy (“sure, I’ll go out if you want to, whatever.”) or a guy who is really painfully shy.

So the real question RFNM is whether you’re willing to get involved in a guy who is wishy-washy or is painfully shy?

All this aside, the BSG recommends (as he recommends to many folks) that you just ask the damned question. “Hey Dude. You’re sweet and I like chatting with you. What do you think about going out on a date sometime this week?” The worse that can happen is that he will freak out and decline and then the only thing you’ve really lost is several more weeks (months?) of confusion.

Do it RFNM. ~BSG~

One Paw Forward, One Fear-Based Step Back

Dear Readers: The BSG doesn’t usually answer letters this long, but Bitter Coupled Gal has been a faithful commenter on the BSG’s blog, so he’s happy to bring her some advice.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Oh how I love coming to you for answers BSG. Your harsh reality makes well to bring out important questions and answers when emotions are involved.

My Dog-Lovin Dude and I have decided to increase our little family (as we call it) and adopt a second dog. As excited as we both are I have some apprehensions. I live in a small apartment and together with DLD and Current Pup. I know that a studio apartment for four (two humans two dogs) will only work in the short term. I have hinted to DLD that we need to consider getting a bigger place together if we adopt a second puppy (and by hint I mean blatantly stated “this will work short term but we need to consider a bigger place together for the dogs and our sanity”). When the subject is broached DLD tells me he feels a bit overwhelmed and we drop the subject for the time being.

As much as I want a second pup I’m happy to wait until we are both sure we can live together officially in the future. We technically live together now but he still has his own place, and even though he merely uses it as a storage center for his belongings, he still has his own place to go to. I know DLD had a bad experience in the past living with someone and I believe part of the apprehension is due to this. I think the other half are his own commitment issues (yes, due to fear I’m sure) and him being a Libra always has to weigh every issue back and forth. It takes us 20 minutes to pick out canned olives at times. While his careful consideration in all aspects of life do help us make accurate and smart decisions, but sometimes we don’t always have the TIME to hem and haw. We’ve been together a year now.

I’m in no real rush BSG but we were accepted to meet a foster puppy and will have to make the to adopt or not to adopt decision soon. He is thrilled at the idea of our little family as he calls it but, again, is apprehensive about discussing moving in together. I don’t want to overwhelm him but I just can’t rightly bring in a new pup unless he can see us moving forward together. How do I broach this again without coming on too strong? I don’t want him to think because we get a dog and move in together I think we’re destined for eternity together, but I do happen to see this as a commitment step. I know he must have weighed out the pros and cons about getting a dog with me, but sometimes I wonder if his excitement over a new pup is overshadowing some important conversations. I am very ready for this with him, knowing it won’t always be puppies and rainbows but am ever so willing to work on continuing a healthy relationship. OH BSG, you are a male – how would you want a female to come to you with this very important decision. ~Bitter Coupled Gal~

Dear BCG: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates how life’s little things often end up being inextricably wrapped up in life’s bigger things. In your case, this is obviously not about whether to get a puppy or not; it’s about how your relationship is going to advance.  Nicely presented, BCG.

First, the BSG has one random point: he cringed when reading that it takes you 20 minutes to pick out canned olives. Really BCG? Canned olives? Just stop that. Buy good olives. Life’s too short. Sheesh.

OK, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Your question for the BSG is how you should approach this issue and he thinks you already have approached it.  If, in fact, your prerequisite for canine acquisition is a larger living space, you need to state that. One way to keep it from being overwhelming for Dog Loving Dude is to determine if there are options beyond the one-dog-partial-cohabitation-commitment or two-dogs-full-cohabitation-commitment. In other words, is there a way to have more space for your growing family without Dog Loving Dude freaking out?

Maybe his place is bigger and you two could spend half (or more) of your time there? Maybe he’d be willing to help you get into a bigger space while still keeping his place? In other words BCG, the BSG wants you to get Dog Loving Dude involved in the solution here.  Here’s an idea for how this could go:

“Hey DLD! Like you, I am quite pleased by our growing family of dogs and people, and the idea of adding another pup is quite neato in my opinion, but we need to figure out how to get more space for all of us. We could spend our time at your bigger pad, we could both contribute to me getting a bigger pad, or we could officially cohabitate and get rid of your pad. Which of these seems likely?”

The BSG thinks that if Dog Loving Dude isn’t willing to even have a conversation about options then you should put your *ahem* paw down and just say no to new puppies. If 20-minute-olive-choosing guy can’t step up to this conversation, the BSG says no puppy for him.

~BSG~

Getting Over It

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My BF of a year and a few months and I lived together and we had an argument over something he lied to me about. So things were rocky for 2 months. I agreed to let it go and work to move past it which we were for a month, and things were okay.

I started to feel he was becoming a little distant so I asked him what was up.  He said he didn’t want to leave, but wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay and was basically unsure about his feelings for me anymore.  He doesn’t feel I was making a genuine effort to get past our issues, which I was.

I told him I didn’t want to end this, but he said he needed to because he was unsure of what he was feeling.  My question is: What is this? Is it really over?  What is “space” when guys say they need it?  Sounds like BS to me?  Help!!! ~Don’t Have Space~

Dear DHS: Hmmm…the Bitter Single Guy admits that he is usually (as you all know) a fan of pulling the plug when it seems that there is no life left in a relationship, but one tiny point in your letter is making him re-think a little. You say that your Reluctant Romeo doesn’t believe you were making an effort to get past the lie.

The BSG believes that getting past a relationship problem whether lying, cheating, or putting empty juice cartons back in the fridge, is a different process for everyone. Stay with the BSG here DHS, he promises this is relevant.

The BSG has been accused in the past of being very literal. Oddly, the BSG welcomes this accusation because he believes that his literal-ness is one of his best qualities.  One result of this literal world view is that the BSG has a limited ability to feel bad when he screws up. His usual approach is to determine what he should have done differently, decide why he didn’t do it that way in the first place, make the correction and move on.

But on occasion, the BSG has been involved with someone who needed him to just feel bad and be sorry for an extended period of time. This has resulted in further conflict.

Reading your letter, the BSG wonders if you are subtly punishing Reluctant Romeo for the lie that you have apparently moved past? Perhaps there are subtle ways that you indicate that he can’t be trusted, or that he’ll lie again? Any of these behaviors are likely to make Reluctant Romeo feel like he’s fighting an uphill battle that he can’t win.

It’s also important for the BSG to say that none of this may be true at all. Maybe your Reluctant Romeo has just had enough and your relationship has run its course. So the BSG’s musings aside, if Reluctant Romeo needs “space”, isn’t sure he wants to stay and isn’t sure of his feelings for you then you’re probably being subtly dumped (the BSG wants his readers and their B/GF’s to start taking more responsibility for breakups when they’re imminent, darnit).

If this is unrecoverable, the BSG says step up and dump him.  But the BSG also hopes you think about whether you were REALLY over the lie, or if you were punishing him. ~BSG~