The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Playing House

Dear Bitter Single Guy: This girl and I have started sleeping together, but actually just sleeping without sex or even making out. We both have been hurt/messed up from recent break-ups and agree that we don’t want to be in a relationship right now. We want to take time to figure each other out and see if anything happens.

We both have histories of being impulsive when dating and moving too fast. This is another reason why we have started doing this. I care about her a lot and I’m sure she cares about me. The thing is that I don’t how much longer I can keep “playing house”. She’s amazing and I don’t want to mess things up, but hate feeling sort of led along like she’s getting what she wants out of me and I’m waiting patiently for the reward of sex.

The fact is that I think sleeping together is a very intimate thing especially with the amount of cuddling and small kisses we give each before falling asleep. I really enjoy it despite my frustrations about not having sex. She knows this and retains the argument that we both agreed to just figure each other out first.

Is this normal and healthy or twisted and pathetic? Can anything good happen from playing house the way we are? ~Wanting More~

Dear WM: So many questions!  The Bitter Single Guy can tell you that your situation is both normal and healthy AND twisted and pathetic. From the BSG’s perspective, normal and healthy is any arrangement that results in consenting adults feeling good about a relationship. For that reason, the BSG thinks that some time spent cuddling in a non-sexual way can be a great way to bond in the early part of a relationship.

But clearly you’re done with that WM, or you wouldn’t be writing. The BSG thinks now you’re heading into twisted-and-pathetic-land. In this particular version of twisted-and-pathetic-land there are a couple of clear dangers:

·         Cuddly Girl will get all comfy in your safe, sex-free relationship and she’ll start to think of you as a big stuffed animal that she can cuddle and play house with, but who doesn’t get her motor running, if you get the BSG’s drift. This is all fine and good of course, until she meets someone a little edgy, who is not at all like a stuffed animal and who DOES get her motor running. Do you see this future WM? Of course you do. In this future, she starts telling you all about how exciting it is to be around Edgy Guy even while cuddling up next to you and you finally get to see what it’s like for your girlfriend to be sexually interested in someone. Sounds fun, eh?

·        In this less graphic but more insidious scenario, you will have established a dangerous pattern with Cuddly Girl where she is able to hold out on intimacy, leaving you panting and hoping. You could spend years in a relationship where you are a minor contributor at best. Your girlfriend will own all the decisions about the way in which the two of you connect. After enough time anything can seem normal and you’ll just wake up realizing that *ahem* you have a closer relationship with the latest issue of Cosmo in the bathroom than you do with your girlfriend.

Have a conversation with your girlfriend about how much you care for her and how great you think it is that you’ve both decided to wait for physical intimacy. But then tell her clearly that you’ve gotten all the value out of waiting that you needed and that you’re done waiting. This shouldn’t mean that Cuddly Girl should now live by YOUR timetable…she may not be finished with cuddly time yet. But she should know that your clock is ticking and that at some time in the foreseeable future you’ll be ready to move on to a relationship that includes physical intimacy.

~BSG~

How Much Time is Too Much Time?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Mid-twenties female, graduate-level education. How long is too long to stay in a relationship that has been considered “serious” from the start and tell the BF to get me a ring or admit I’m not the one and move on? If you want more details I don’t have a problem providing them, but in the end I feel like that’s the essence of the question. ~Hand On The Plug~

Dear HOTP: The Bitter Single Guy is, as his readers know, a fan of brevity since it allows him to get to even more folks’ heartache.  The BSG also believes that with a little thought, most of his readers questions can be boiled down to a relatively simple question and HOTP you demonstrate that brilliantly.

The BSG thinks that you probably have friends who will tell you that the amount of time to stay in a serious relationship without further commitment is entirely subjective and up to you and your Reluctant Beau and the universe and bunnies and such. The BSG thinks there is some truth there, but that doesn’t mean he’s not willing to give you a concrete answer (the BSG knows that’s why you come to him). So here it is:

Mid-twenties with a graduate-level education tells the BSG that you’re no longer ‘in the oven’, but instead that you’re relatively fully baked. The BSG knows that getting an education and mucking about in the early twenties results in many folks forming and re-forming themselves several times over. HOTP based on your age and place in life, and assuming the same for Reluctant Beau, the BSG thinks you should wait a minimum of 3 years and a maximum of 5 years before you pull the plug because of inertia on Reluctant Beau’s part.

You (or some of the BSG’s readers) may be shocked at the 3 year minimum, but here’s the BSG’s logic: Reluctant Beau could have any number of insecure reasons that he’s not making the plunge to a deeper commitment, but in his 20’s in this the 21^st century, Reluctant Beau is undoubtedly navigating unfamiliar waters. If this were 1950, he would be grossly late in making his intentions clear.  But these days folks successfully date and mate well into their 40’s, 50’s and beyond, so the path is less clear.

HOTP your job is to be sure that Reluctant Beau knows that you’re in for the long haul (assuming you are). If one of the things he’s navigating is whether or not you’re in the game, that will only make it tougher. As you get older, you would likely find that men are less reluctant to take the committment plunge, but you have to get older for that to happen and since you’re waiting out the clock, you may as well spend that time letting Reluctant Beau get up to speed.

~BSG~

Tired of The Yo-Yo

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I pretty much know the answer to this question but I need someone objective to beat it into me.  A little over a year ago I became involved in a lesbian relationship with a co-worker.  First it was all hot and heavy sex in the company bathroom and sleep-overs almost every night.  But because she just had left a long relationship she kept telling me she didn’t want to date. 

Sometimes though, calling me her girlfriend, then other times reminding me weren’t “together.” Whenever I seemed to broach the subject, she got jumpy.  I don’t know if this is because she just got out of a relationship or because she just wasn’t so into me but it seemed like she was from all the texts and sleeping over.  Anyway we had a few major blow-outs that would end with her saying she just wanted to be friends but eventually we’d end up back in bed and seemed to be “dating” again. 

A few months ago, after a blow-out I ended up sleeping with a man and getting pregnant.  The night before I “took care” of the pregnancy I find out she slept with one of my close friends.  I think out of feelings of guilt for what she did and what I was going through, she said she realized she loved me and wanted to “work it out” with me, even bringing up moving in together.  Two weeks later I pissed her off and she dumped me….via text message.  So there was no “work” behind the “working it out.”  My question is should I be angry about getting strung along and why do people do that? And if I’m not over her, how can we friends?  Granted we still work together…which majorly sucks! ~In Over My Head~

Dear IOMH: Gracious girl, you ARE in a pickle aren’t you? There is much to say here, but you’re not asking the BSG how to avoid getting into similar pickles next time (although he has some opinions there).  Your question specifically is whether you should be angry about being strung along and why people act that way.  Good question IOMH.

First it’s important to know that your Fickle Fig wasn’t likely trying to send mixed messages or string you along. She was trying to, as we all occasionally do, balance her head and her heart. Her head was likely telling her (and you, via her mouth) that a relationship was a bad idea, while her heart (and various other parts, apparently) were sending a very different message. This isn’t because Fickle Fig is a bad person, but is just because in order to broker peace between her head and her heart, she had compromised for both. 

As this all progressed however, she had the chance to set some better boundaries and chose not to. It’s clear that Fickle Fig isn’t likely to set any useful boundaries where you’re concerned, so you and the BSG both know that it’s up to you.  

Based on your experiences with relationships recently, the BSG recommends you spend some time single; hanging out with friends and taking care of yourself after some difficult times. If you miss the physical parts (so to speak) of your relationship with Fickle Fig (or the dude you slept with), well the BSG hears that there are appliances for that…appliances that always set good boundaries and never send mixed messages.  ~BSG~