The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

My Life is a Clash Song

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years but things have changed tremendously since our first year together. He’s so different and reclusive now and most of this is due to the fact that his depression and panic attacks have gotten severely worse. He does not have health insurance and hasn’t been on medication for almost a year. I’ve offered to help him pay for the medicine but he is too proud and won’t accept. I worry that the man I fell in love with is gone forever, but the hope that he’ll get better and go back to who he was is what keeps me in the relationship still. Our relationship, for a good portion of it, has been so perfect that it makes breaking up hard to do. We want to be together very much but realize that love isn’t enough, especially when it isn’t working. So, what’s the hard truth? ~Should I Stay or Should I Go?~

Dear SISoSIG: The Bitter Single Guy thinks the short answer is that you should go, but don’t stop reading and go off half-cocked just yet (plenty of time for that later). Unmedicated depression or other disorders can definitely result in someone falling into an emotional pit and the BSG doesn’t think life with someone in a pit is ideal in any sense.

The real issue here SISoSIG, is convincing your bf to get the help he needs. If not you helping him buy medication, there are often community programs that can help him. The problem of course, is that being depressed gets in the way of doing something about being depressed, which makes it tough to muster up the motivation to help himself the BSG suspects.

But back to you SISoSIG. If you’re miserable and if you believe that your bf’s depression and panic attacks are what’s bringing you down, you may have to make that tough decision and bolt. Perhaps your absence will inspire him to get the help he needs.

~BSG~

Afraid of Gay Men

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m afraid of gay men, but I’m gay.  Funny how it’s come to work out, because I’ve been out of the closet longer than most of my gay peers. Most of my friends are straight.  I do a good job of making people laugh, I actually am pretty decent looking, and I’m smarter than most… but I am petrified of other gay men.

I’ve lately come to joke about myself being a spinster.  Really, it’s got a good sound to it; makes you sound freewheeling, active.  Not at all like what it actually means. But I don’t want to end up a BSG.  Speaking of which; why is a BSG necessarily the one to be giving advice? ~Parsley Pear~

Dear PP: The Bitter Single Guy is giving advice because he has the brilliant experience of having made nearly all the mistakes already and he’s willing to pass that invaluable wisdom to his readers (and to you). The immediate benefit for you PP, is that the BSG’s infinite experience lets him tell you that you’re not all that unique! Although the twist for you is that you’re a gay man afraid of gay men, there are tons of straight BSG readers who are afraid of the opposite sex or, more appropriately, afraid of their potential for success relating and dating with those nice folks. The BSG is hoping you don’t actually fear your Gay Brothers (and Lesbian Sisters) as if they’re going to hurt you. That’s a different problem.

The BSG is pretty sure that what you mean is that you’re not sure how to approach the whole dating thang within your tribe. The BSG knows that there is as much variability among The Gays as there is among The Straights, so he recommends you not think of your tribe as one homogeneous (pun intended…the BSG cracks himself up) group of scary potential dates. There are undoubtedly other friendly gay men who are similarly shy. You need to find them.

First, you need to get yourself a good old-fashioned gay friend. The BSG recommends, as he does for all his readers trying to get a date, that you start by joining some sort of club. A bowling league or a pottery class; some hobby-adjacent activity where you can safely meet similar folks. Then, just like in middle school, you make a friend, you have some coffee (OK, maybe not coffee in middle school, but you get the BSG’s drift), you laugh and carry on. The BSG isn’t recommending that you date this new friend (although if the vibe is there, go for it), but instead that you allow your new gay friend to slowly introduce you to the fun of hanging out with folks who have similar *ahem* interests.

Therapists call this process Systematic Desensitization, PP. Look that up in Google and you’ll see fascinating references to Little Albert and a White Rabbit and you’ll learn how the Psychological community came to be embarrassed by itself. It’s one of the BSG’s favorite stories.  But bunny rabbits aside, Systematic Desensitization is a great way to introduce something scary into your life in a non-scary way. Good luck, PP. ~BSG~

Digging Your Own Grave

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a hard time staying in relationships when things don’t go my way. I find it easier to just up and leave. I don’t think I’ve had a single friend or boyfriend for more than a few years. All of my boyfriends tell me the same thing “You will never be happy with anyone”. It wasn’t always this way; I was engaged early in life. We fought one anniversary and I said I wouldn’t be there when he got home, but I was when he brought another woman home; I never really got over it.

Now when I start to get feelings for someone I make it utterly impossible for them to stay with me. My fear is that I’m ruined for life and everyone I get close to will leave me eventually. Just to make sure that’s not the case I will fight so dirty and hurt any feeling I can. I don’t want to be bitter anymore but I can’t stop. What do you do when you’re the problem? I guess my question is how to get over it so it doesn’t happen with the man I’m with now. He has put up with so much from me and continues to take it with a grain of salt I can see him wearing thin and I’m about to lose him. ~Digging My Own Grave~

Dear DMOG: The Bitter Single Guy is so proud of you for reaching out for help! The first thing you need to do is have a talk with your current boyfriend and tell him that you know he’s wearing thin and that you know that you do things that make it tough to be with you.

Next, and this is the important part DMOG, get some help. Clearly getting over this isn’t something that’s going to happen in time or it would have happened. You can’t wait around for someone to be patient enough to put up with your shit for years to come and you don’t want to wait around for a relationship that also becomes a therapy session. The BSG promises that you don’t want that.

If you can’t afford therapy, there are all sorts of support groups in cities around the country. Find a support group of people who can’t make relationships work and listen to other people’s experience as a way to better understand your own.

DMOG, this will take time and effort on your part, and the BSG is glad to hear that you’re ready to fix it. Good luck. ~BSG~