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The BSG Sells Out (2)

August 28th, 2013 Posted in What The Hell?

So if you saw the BSG’s last post you know that the BSG was a recent sell out. A nice lady at a nice company emailed the BSG about trying out a product called Rounderbum Gluteal Shaper from Rounderwear.  Yep. Rounderbum as in “rounder bum” as in your bum will be rounder than before donning the gluteal shaper, as in ass enhancing underwear.

Yep. The BSG, in the service of consumer research, put on a pair of ass-padded underwear solely so he could write about the experience.

Firstly, you may be asking yourself “Why, BSG! Why would you do this borderline creepy thing! We thought you had MORALS!” Well it turns out the BSGs morals can easily include padded underwear. By the way, the BSG wants to point out that ‘front padded’ underwear was an option, but he wasn’t sure how he was going to explain that to his grandmother so he went with the much more demure ass padding.

Now it seems important to point out that the nice men modeling their Gluteal Shapers have little in common with the BSG with the exception (he assumes) of a penis. Otherwise, the BSG feels compelled to point out that he may not be the Rounderbum people’s target audience. In face, when compared to the zero-body-fat-six-packed-gentleman on the cover of the box (below), the BSG’s current un-enhanced ass might actually be called sufficient. Or perhaps already somewhat padded by nature and age. The BSG isn’t saying that he has a fat ass exactly, but seriously, look at this guy! The BSG thinks he would likely have been able to get a date even without the additional gluteal shaping, but hey…every little bit counts, right?

Because that’s what we’re talking about here, isn’t it? Why would one wear an enhanced undergarment? Why, in the 1980’s, did women’s fashion feature shoulder pads (seriously…WHY?)? Because someone at some point decides that it will result in increased attractiveness and increased attractiveness means that strangers on the street will want to date the BSG (and, theoretically, the shoulder-padded women from the 1980’s). And when we say “date” the BSG, what we mean…in the evolutionary sense of the word…is that someone will want to get into the BSG’s pants. His padded, gluteal enhanced pants.

So yes, the BSG put on padded underwear to see if it increased his confidence and even better…increased the number of people who came up to him on the street and smiled, leered, or propositioned him. What could possibly go wrong? Stay tuned….

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