There Must Be SOMEthing I Can Do!
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half, we are both in college and go to school in different states, but the distance was never a problem. I tried to visit her as much as I could and every time I saw her it was nice and we had a lot of fun. Two weeks after I got back things got rocky. And we tried to work them out, but she came to a conclusion that she wants to break up, she said she wanted to “experience new things”. I’m still not sure what she means. She said she wanted to be “single for a while”. I have been trying to move on for some time now it has been about 2 months and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I have the same dream with her in it every night. I miss everything about her, her smell her touch, her voice, her smile. I think what we had was something special, and at one point we both thought that, she had said it many times. She said that “what we have is rare and only comes along once” so I don’t understand why she broke up with me.
I would like to think I was a good boy friend. I sent her a message every morning saying “have a great day! I love you” and every night “Have sweet dreams”. I wrote poems, sent her little gifts just because. When we were going out her friends boyfriends would get mad at me because of the nice things I did. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. I like cuddling more than anything sexual. I tried to make her laugh when ever I could. I loved her with all my heart.
Now she seems like she is happy without me, and I don’t believe that she could have gotten over what we had so quickly. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back because I believe we are meant to be together. So I am asking if there is anything I can do to get her back? Or to get a second chance?
If you could help me that would help me so unbelievably much. It would get back a piece of I’m missing. ~Broken Hearted~
Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy wishes he was there to give you the big hug that you obviously need and to pat you on the back in a comforting way (pat-pat-pat).
Yours is the classic story of being dumped; there’s no other way to describe it. Although it’s certainly of little comfort, the BSG assures you that everyone else who’s out there in Dating Land has felt what you feel today (including the BSG). Here are some key points:
· Your main question is how to get her back. Buck up, BH…you can’t have her back. Yes, it’s possible that she could spend some time out there in the big world then decide that you were the best boyfriend ever and come sniveling back into your arms, but if it’s already been two months the BSG thinks it’s unlikely. You’ve been dumped…accept it.
· You don’t know how she could have moved on so quickly? It’s because she actually started moving on several months ago. It’s not easy being the Dumpee, but it’s also pretty brutal being the Dumper. The BSG is pretty sure that your Departed Damsel thought a lot about breaking up with you before she actually did it. So the reason that Departed Damsel seems so well adjusted is that the last part of her adjustment was the breakup, even though it was only the first part for you.
· You’re dreaming of her every night? BH you’re breaking the BSG’s heart here! Know that grieving for something lost is a necessary and healthy process that you simply have to go through. You’ll be sad, you’ll have bad dreams (when you can sleep), you’ll be lethargic and generally not very much fun to be around. But believe the BSG when he tells you that it will get better. That said, if you start losing weight because you’re not eating, or if you can’t seem to get yourself out of the house for more than a few days at a time, the BSG strongly recommends seeking professional help to get you through this. But again…you will get through this.
· Departed Damsel told you she wants to be single for awhile? Ouch, BH. The BSG knows (as his readers do) what it’s like to be told that she’d rather be with no one than be with you. Here comes the tough message BH, so brace yourself. The BSG doesn’t think Departed Damsel actually wants to be single. He thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. For that reason, don’t be shocked if Departed Damsel suddenly starts seeing someone else in the next short while.
You see BH, the problem is that while you were deliriously happy in your relationship, Departed Damsel wasn’t. There was something missing for her and she likely spent part of the time you were together trying to get that need filled (whatever it was). None of this is easy to hear BH, but it’s what getting dumped is all about.
OK now it’s time for a little tough love BH. The BSG doesn’t know the details, so he can only respond to what’s in your letter and there’s one little section that concerns him. You sent daily notes of love and encouragement, never forgot an important date, wrote poems, and liked cuddling more than sex? While that seems right out off the Good Boyfriend Manual, the BSG and you both know that sometimes we can have too much of a good thing. BH the BSG wants you to think about whether you were a little smothering in your care and attention? Honestly, the BSG didn’t have any concerns until the ‘cuddling more than sex’ part, because you know…sex is pretty important to lots of people. Like he said, the BSG doesn’t know the details, so just wants you to think objectively about that.
BH, take care of yourself and let your friends be there for you and he promises that one day you’ll wake up and not feel like you’ve been stomped on. ~BSG~
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April 12th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Aaaw… Broken Hearted, Yes Ive been there as well. And I know you will have a hard time believing this, but the pain does subside. And each time your poor little heart gets squashed and torn to bits, it gets easier and the pain doesnt seem to last as long, because you know that it will get better.
This might make for a too long of a comment, but I have had this story in my documents file for a long time, I get it out and read it each time my heart is broken. I dont know the author, but kudos to ‘em…
The Perfect Heart:
One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart, for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.
Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Why, your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.”
The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but was full of scars, and it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but the pieces didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing. The people stared. How can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought?
The young man looked at the old man’s heart and saw its state and laughed. “You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine – mine is perfect,and yours is a mess of scars and tears.”
“Yes, said the old man, “Yours is perfect looking, but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar in my heart represents a person to whom I have given my love. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges…giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side. How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I feel for you BH. Im sad to say I was once the girl who gave the “I’m going away to school and I want the freedom that comes with it.”
[patiently waits for the end of the dagger throwing]
And BSG is right, to an extent. What I was subtly trying to explain to my High School Sweetheart was I didn’t want to be with him any more. I wanted to explore my options. And while I did want to be single, that desire lasted all of two weeks. And I then met my first college crush and dreamt of the day he would pine for me as well. Which never happened. I did become quiet close to my second crush (in a friendly matter), even getting to kiss him years after our first meeting…. but that was at a football game after a fishbowl and a tale for another time (or warning… don’t drink fish bowls… even when you are a crazy college student).
I’m not telling you this to be hurtful BH. I’m telling you this in hopes that the BSGs advice will ring a bit truer. I fear you are sitting back in your chair, and after the elated feeling that yes, the BSG has answered your call, the denial you must think. “That can’t be true, I know her so well! She would never!”
But she would. As I did. As my cousins girlfriend did. (He swore they would be together forever and make their long distance love work. It did not).
Here’s the deal. We leave for college, boys and girls, holding onto our HSS, hoping that “love” will last forever. Then we start to grow and learn. College is a milestone in more ways than education. Then we go out with friends and watch as our single friends meet new people. We can’t do that out of guilt and obligation. Then we watch our single friends meet new guys, and we want in. Its harsh. But its true. We don’t have our loved ones next to us to join in, which makes us lonely. And (just so you dont think it MIGHT be the distance), we mature and walk down our own path of discovery and many times, paths which are once shared reach a fork.
Im sorry, BH, but your lovely lady chose a different path.
There is good news though. I promise. My ex has moved on and is content leading his own life. My cousin lives a very fulfilling life with a breaming social calendar and has happily dated more than one spring chicken. And you will too.
Take this time to go out. Stop smelling her. Really. Not healthy. And I can PROMISE you, she will not be wooed by the feelings you are describing, she might be frightened by them (as I was when my own HSS decided perhaps following me to my school would help his cause. The result with that was giving me such a freight that we stopped talking for years – girls don’t like stalkers). Go out. Meet new friends. Meet new girls. Have a coveted college one night stand. Join a club. A sport. Whatever. But go have fun.
BH… you are so young. So, so young. Enjoy it. College will be over sooner than you think, but there will always be more girls to pine after.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Please forgive me for some very horrid typos. Such as Freight… should be fright. Ah well. Just goes to show you, BH, even English Majors cannot spell.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:57 am
I really feel where you’re coming from man, I was Mr. Nice Guy as well but apparently, sometimes, that’s just not enough. I know how it feels to go through your relationship time and again with a mental checklist to see if there’s anything you did that you shouldn’t have, or anything you should’ve done that you didn’t. I can’t really give you any comforting words however, as I’m still in this phase, my g/f left me for no apparent reason after 4 months (I know it’s not long but when you’re young it’s a lifetime) of what I thought was bliss. I just want you to know that your story is far from unique, and people have gotten through this situation countless times in the past, so we will too.
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
It’s true, it probably has very little to do with the relationship itself but simply that she is in college and wants that “freedom”. So while she may truly feel that way, it’s also likely she’s got a group of friends there that is more attractive to her than continuing a relationship. The good news is now you have that freedom too…and definitely worth enjoying every second of it!