Time to Pull The Plug?
Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend & I have been together 2 years and living together for 8 months. Two months ago he began working part-time & attending university full-time; for this reason, I rarely see him. Also, I have begun to develop a crush on one of my co-workers; it seems like I see my co-worker more often than I see my boyfriend. I feel very guilty saying this because I know my BF is bettering his life. And, I also know that having a “feeling” for someone else is normal & passes with time but I am scared that I am becoming detached emotionally from him because of our lack of intimacy. Also, our sex life has been really suffering as well & that’s been going on for a lot longer. He says that we have to make “sacrifices” in life, but I think that it’s a bit early on in our relationship to be making so many. And, it seems like having a better sex life is a non-issue for him even though we’ve spoken at length about it. On the other hand, I love him very much & I also love his family. Please help! I don’t want to make the wrong decision but I am very confused. Fondly, Feeling Guilty
Dear FFG: The Bitter Single Guy remembers a parable that’s much like your letter. In this parable, a woman takes a small step onto a rock in a stream. She’s safe; the bank is just behind her, but she sees another rock just a tiny step farther into the stream, so she steps there. Eventually, taking small safe steps, the woman finds that she’s in the middle of the stream and isn’t entirely sure how she got there.
The BSG is pointing out here that if you look at each of the tiny points that you make here, they are inconsequential by themselves. Let’s look together shall we? Sex life slows down…not critical, usually fixable. Not seeing much of your BF…a small sacrifice really, and usually fixable. Crush on someone else…this is, as you say, normal and usually passes (crushes don’t survive well in the cold light of reality).
But once you add all these together, a pattern starts to emerge. The BSG believes that you’re emotionally disconnecting from your BF because he’s unavailable and when he is, you’re not connecting in that festive physical way that we all enjoy so much. Naturally, as you start to emotionally disconnect, you’re probably unconsciously looking around for your next conquest…hence the crush.
The BSG realizes he’s reading a lot into your letter and jumping onto his own rocks regarding the conclusions he’s drawing, but here’s the gist. Talk to your BF. DON’T tell him you have a crush. DO tell him that you miss the physical intimacy and that you need a solution (telling you to make sacrifices isn’t a solution, it’s a cop out). Finally, determine how much longer you’re willing to go without a satisfying relationship and if he can’t step up in that time, dump him.
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Says:
October 9th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
You are the bee’s knees BSG! Thanks for your advice!
Says:
January 11th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Here’s an update of what’s happened since: My BF and I spoke at length about all of this and he’s definitely tried to be more understanding about trying to spend more time together but in the last few months our sex life has been really crappy. I feel like I should keep trying because he has really worked hard with me thus far but at the same time I feel that if we’ve had this many ups and downs in our relationship (after only 2 years), what sort of grunt work the future holds. I mean, isn’t the first few years the glue that holds a relationship together over time? At the same time, I feel like all relationships end up this way at some point, right? Point is, I can’t decide whether I’m settling or compromising anymore. If I keep going in and out of relationships, maybe I’ll end up even more bitter than you.
Says:
January 15th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
The BSG doesn’t necessarily recommend ending EVERY relationship because it’s faltering, but he is also not a fan of staying together because you’ve already been together for some time. This is like stubbing your toe on the bed post every morning for a year, but choosing not to move the damned bed because heck…you and the bed post have this year-long relationship already.
The BSG’s off-the-cuff recommendation is not to live together anymore. Yes, it’s extreme! But the BSG suspects you’ve gotten all comfy together and maybe some distance would put the fire back in your BF’s stove.
Just a thought.
~BSG~
Says:
January 16th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Thanks BSG, I have thought about this but it’s likely he would move back in with his parents (1 1/2 hours drive away), which would add insult to injury: between work & school he has little time. In other words, if he moves he probably won’t be coming back.
I feel more confused than ever now: my ex who broke my heart 4-5 years ago by breaking up with me but not giving me an solid reason, but we bumped into each other about 2 years ago & have rekindled a friendship, though somewhat reserved. Then, he calls me drunk (unlike him) 2 days before Christmas saying that his girlfriend of 2 years broke up with him over the phone that day. We had dinner last night & I detected some innuendos that led me to feel he might want to give our love another try (that he’s thinking about moving back to the area, etc.) I am planning to see him again this week.
Anyway, up until now I would have never considered it, but suddenly I feel swept up in a wave…might I still be in love with him? Or, is it that my life was so good when he was in it? This comes at a time when my current relationship is heading downhill. The real dilemma comes with the translation, I know anyone I tell this to will criticize me saying how could I be with someone who has hurt me already? I must be stupid or crazy or have no self-esteem. I disagree. Isn’t it possible for someone to change and recognize the error of their ways after being hurt themselves?
I just don’t feel I’ll ever fall in love with anyone else or, at least not with the same intensity as I did with him. Or, maybe I just have to wait five more years. I consider myself to be a very rational and calculating woman, but I have a weak spot for this man. Alas…
Says:
January 16th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Hmmm…knowing you have a weakspot is a good thing and giving in to it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just be careful…but the BSG thinks you know that already.
Most importantly, don’t mix the two relationships up. Don’t take up with the ex because your current relationship is unsatisfying. Finish one project before you start another.
Love is never easy FFG (but you already knew that)
BSG