Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have an absent dating life. I am 32 years old, have a graduate degree and work in healthcare, own a modest home in a working class neighborhood, pursue several interests, I travel often…and I cannot find a date. I have tried match, chemistry, and going out in the city without any form of success.
I may get a first date every other month or so and a second every six months. It stops there. The continual rejection is never given with an actual reason. I’ve read several books on dating, etc., without any change in success.
I am worn out from all the bullshit. Other people are able to perform this basic social function without resorting to pathetic measures as dating sites, advice columns. It is a couples world and in my sad little city, everyone is already married. There are so few single women; I do not know any, my married friends claim not to, and despite working in healthcare, I cannot find any that are interested in me.
Dear TDD: The Bitter Single Guy can feel your bitterness even from his faraway office in Bitter Single Tower. The first thing the BSG wants to do is acknowledge that you’re right to be frustrated and disgusted. However, the BSG also wants to point out that appearing frustrated and disgusted to potential dates is a sure-fire way not to get a date (or certainly not a second date) so you’re in a vicious cycle, TDD.
But the BSG is going to congratulate you on checking in with him…despite the feeling that it’s pathetic to resort to an advice column, the gist of the BSG’s advice is going to be that you need someone in your corner on this one and it’s not likely to be a book. Based on what you are telling the BSG he has to assume that there is no outward reason for women not to leap at the chance to date you, so then there has to be an inward reason.
If the problem is connection, the BSG wonders if you have good friends with whom you connect closely? In the BSG’s experience friend connections and romantic connections have a good bit in common. So assuming you’ve got some good friend connections, the BSG will tell you want will seem obvious. We, as humans, are interested in people who are…well…interesting. You say you’re in healthcare, but what about hobbies? Snowboarding, basketweaving, mountain climbing, orchid growing…these are all hobbies about which you can be passionate and your passion for something will make you attractive both as a friend to other orchid-o-philes, as well as a potential date.
In the absence of all that, the BSG wants you to find a therapist, good friend, minister, or someone similar who you trust. With this trustworthy citizen you’re going to start talking about what’s keeping you from making a meaningful connection. With luck and some effort on your part (this is not a silver bullet, TDD…this will be work) you’ll figure out what about you is keeping women from connecting.
Overall the BSG recommends treating this not as a magic cure, but as a journey…and the BSG is glad you took the first step with him.