Trying to Help Her Get Professional Help
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m 24 and male. I’m currently in a somewhat defunct relationship. She loves me and is aware that I don’t love her as much as she loves me. I’m trying to help her with her emotional needs, as well as trying to get her to a psychologist/psychiatrist for medication. Also, I’m helping her with physical needs, she’s overweight and I think it would be beneficial to have somewhat to help her lose weight. All of the aforementioned is mutually understood, not mutually accepted, but understood.
The curveball is that I love, truly head over heels, want nothing more that to be with someone else. I’ve known both since high school, they thankfully don’t know each other. I’ve just recently gotten back in contact with girl number 2. She just got into a relationship, that’s all I’m privy to. I wish to pursue her, but don’t want to abandon the first girl. Any outside opinions would be gratefully appreciated. ~Tired of Caretaking~
Dear TOC: The Bitter Single Guy is going to do what you’re apparently unwilling to do for yourself: he’s going to let you off the hook. You’re done with Girl #1, TOC. As her boyfriend, you’re not responsible for her mental health, her self-esteem or her weight issues (assuming they are actually her issues and not yours). You should, as you have, encourage her to get help, and the BSG suspects that you’ll care enough for her in the future to continue to advocate for her to build a better life (whatever that means for her). Who knows TOC, getting rid of you may be the best thing that could possibly happen to Girl #1!
So to reiterate: you’re done. Break up with her gently, not because she’s overweight and has emotional needs, but because you’re not in love with her. You definitely owe her that truth and if you take the easy road by telling her something cheesy like ’you are going to give her the space she needs to resolve her issues’, the BSG hopes bad relationship karma will hunt you down like the dog you would be. Thankfully, he’s sure that won’t happen and that you’ll be honest.
As far as Girl #2 is concerned, it sounds like she’s in a relationship with someone else, yes? The BSG thinks this all sounds like you’re going to find yourself single for a little while TOC. Based on your recent experience in caretaking, he thinks this is probably a good thing.
~BSG~
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Says:
April 9th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
TOC,
First of all, I agree with the BSG 100%. These is absolutely nothing I could or would say against what our dear BSG has already told you.
That being said, there’s another important lesson here, which I’d love to share as a person who was once married to a woman very much like #1 in your letter.
It’s a hard lesson to learn, but an important one.
You can’t save everybody.
Sometimes it’s because they don’t want to be saved, sometimes it’s because you didn’t try the right way, but most of the time, it’s because you are not the person who will be able to save them. I know how wonderful it is to ‘save’ people, and how strong the desire to do so can be, but when saving someone else does more to interfere with your own health and happiness than it does to restore theirs, it’s time to step back. Actually, it’s time to run for the hills.
You’ll be a MUCH happier man if you take the BSG’s advice, by gently but honestly and firmly telling #1 that you’re through, and pursuing a healthier relationship. AND, you can’t expect to successfully pursue a healthier relationship while trying to save an ex. Not only is it unlikely that you’d find a woman who would put up with it, but you don’t WANT to be with a woman who’d put up with it.