The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Best Friends And Boyfriends

Dear Bitter Single Guy: A couple of weeks ago, my best guy friend and I decided to (finally!) date.

The problem is, I’m not sure I feel the way I’m supposed to. I’m used to being in a relationship where I’m high from all the mushy-gushy feelings one minute, and then overcome with lust the next. With “Drew”, it’s not like that. It’s just normal. Now, since none of my past relationships worked out, maybe I’m on to something with what I’ve got with “Drew”. I just don’t know…

He’s the perfect guy on paper – intelligent, funny, sweet, tall, attractive–but he doesn’t give me butterflies in my tummy. I guess what I want to know is how I whether or not I should break up with him. And if I should, how can I do that without losing his friendship? ~GF Without Butterflies~

Dear GFWB: The Bitter Single Guy knows how frustrating the lack of butterflies can be…damned butterflies.  He wishes (as you do) that on-paper attraction was just like butterfly-inducing attraction but we both know that it’s not.

Before he gets to your question about how to break up, the BSG wants to spend a moment on the relationship itself. The BSG’s experience is that butterflies (damned butterflies) are often present early in relationships and get activated because you’re learning festive and surprising new stuff about someone. Deciding to take an existing friendship to the next level means there are likely to be fewer festive surprises; resulting in the damned butterflies slumbering through your courtship. The only reason the BSG points this out is that those damned butterflies eventually quiet down anyway and more than one person has found that in the absence of the unsettling feeling that they’re going to puke at any minute, there isn’t much to their relationship.

The BSG doesn’t think this is a bad thing because relationships aren’t (in the BSG’s opinion) made to last, but many folks are surprised by having to make a relationship work when it’s not all sparky and butterfly-y all the damned time. 

So GFWB, all this is to say that if you’re missing the butterflies simply because you don’t know how to start a relationship without feeling unbalanced and unable to sleep (damned butterflies), then perhaps you should look closer to see if you’ve jumped right to the comfy part of a relationship.  To be clear, this does NOT mean that your BF shouldn’t make your toes curl a little when he licks your ear lobe (or you know…whatever). It just means that you might want to think twice before you bail, lest you become one of those unfortunates (the BSG knows these people; maybe you do, too) who are so addicted to the damned butterflies in the early stage of a relationship that they sabotage every relationship when it gets comfortable. While this keeps the excitement alive, it’s not a pretty pattern when one is in one’s 50’s and beyond (some might say).

OK GFWB, all that aside…your question was how to breakup without losing his friendship. Bummer Dude; it’s probably not possible for all the reasons you think. Unless, assuming you and your beau have the luck of the lotto, you are both feeling exactly the same thing at exactly the same time and are able to articulate it sufficiently well to avoid any weirdness. Not likely, but sometimes we all buy lottery tickets, right?

~BSG~

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