When the Spark Fizzles
Dear Bitter Single Guy: Here’s the lowdown. I’ve been with my girlfriend for around 9 months or so. We don’t live together, but we might as well, we are over each other’s respective places 4 or 5 days in an average week. She’s a really nice girl, beautiful and a class act; she really has her stuff together. We’ve had a lot of fun together doing crazy stuff, she’s very affectionate with me, always wanting to cuddle, kiss, etc… But here’s where the trouble begins.
For the first few months we were together, the sex was amazing, like nothing I’ve experienced before. Gradually she became less interested in it, now I’m lucky if we do it more than once a month. In all other respects she’s very affectionate, loving, caring and all that, she always wants to spend time with me. I talk with her about it, and she tells me it’s stress, life, all that good stuff, and to be fair, she’s got a fair amount of crap to worry about with her job, her college, etc… But I can’t help but think something else is going on, I try to write it off as paranoia, jealousy, whatever, but it’s there still. I don’t expect things to be the same as they were in bed at first, but once a month? And I have to more or less beg for it? It sucks.
I really love this girl and would prefer to work this out, but talking about it hasn’t fixed the situation, and I’ll be damned if I know what I should do. ~Not Getting Enough~
Dear NGE: The Bitter Single Guy knows that this is a delicate subject, so he’s glad you got all brave and stuff and looked around for some help. The first thing the BSG should say is the (hopefully) obvious thing. Sex drives vary among people. For individuals, sex drive varies based on stress (as you say here, NGE), time of year, self-image, and a zillion other reasons. Additionally, as relationships mature, sex often slows down and becomes more routine and less bone-chillingly exciting. The BSG personally thinks this sucks, but he’s unaware of an easy cure.
Also NGE, the BSG is so pleased that you’re actually TALKING to your girlfriend about this! It’s tough to solve a problem between two people when only one of them is talking about it (or even aware of it). So, we’ll make the assumption that your girlfriend is aware that you’re not getting what you need in this relationship.
Of course, that’s the gist of it right, NGE? You’re not getting what you need out of your relationship. So your choices are pretty straightforward:
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Find a way to get what you want by working with your girlfriend (as you have been.
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Change what you want…meaning that you might decide that sex only once a month is worth it in exchange for the other good things in your relationship (the BSG doubts that this will be true for you).
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Think about your exit strategy from this relationship so you can find a relationship that better fits your needs.
Good luck, NGE. ~BSG~
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